Euro 2016: The best and the worst

As Portugal successfully ground out an entire tournament from start to finish, and Cristiano Ronaldo departed the final match prone and in tears, the last four weeks seem to fade into a carousel of moments.

A Euros that progressed in fits and starts, that rode a knobbly trail of dour potholes and transcendent molehills, is over.

First, let’s address the expanded format. Does the highly welcome – not to mention impressive – presence of teams like Iceland and Wales justify the 24-team format?

Gareth Bale’s free kicks, Iceland’s viking clap, Hal Robson-Kanu’s Cruyff tribute; all these moments were warming sips of some newly discovered tea that had been developing a compelling flavour at the back of the cupboard.

Albania’s tournament was, though, more like the tea the moths had got into some time ago.

Speaking of moths, just as a Disney princess might be garnished by wonderful butterflies and other forest creatures, Ronaldo was seen being comforted by a moth just before he had to be stretchered off, the insect’s dusty patina soaking up the harrowing tears of the Madrid star.

Portugal, and their talisman, would have been eliminated at the conclusion of the group stages had this been Euro 2012. So, a successful expansion, or the reason why so many Euro 2016 matches were a little more turgid than usual?

Anyway, on with the awards.

Best player
Various individuals had their hand on this particular bauble, but their fingers became clammy and slipped as the tournament rolled on. New players clutched wildly at it, some gripping tightly, others losing purchase immediately.

Dimitri Payet was the front runner, and his performance in the opening game was quite wondrous. The West Ham man, having added a considerable amount to his price tag with that debut goal-and-assist haul alone, faded slightly as the tournament went on, and was overtaken by Antoine Griezmann’s goals.

Griezmann, having disappointed in the first few matches, became France’s livewire as the tournament went on, scoring six times in total, more goals in his first Euros than Zinedine Zidane, Wayne Rooney, Thierry Henry, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and many others have managed in multiple tournaments. Only Michel Platini has scored more goals in a single Championships.

Early on, Gareth Bale was the beneficiary of some highly suspect goalkeeping, and his individual tilt receded back into the general team-generated momentum that Wales used to propel themselves into the semi-finals. Similarly, the rest of the quarter finalists – Iceland, Italy, Germany and Belgium – all had stumbling stars, to one degree or another. Gylfi Sigurðsson, Kevin de Bruyne, Eden Hazard, Mesut Ozil, and Leo Bonucci all played well, but just not well enough.

Finally, there is, of course, Ronaldo. In spite of his early woes, it was his potency that dragged Portugal to the crown. Three goals, three assists, and a whole month of neck-flaring impetus, a vexed, short-fused manner of encouragement, a screaming tyranny of example.

He left the field a quarter of the way into the final match, and yet his departure might just have steeled the will of his teammates, added an extra pylon to the blockade they used to repel the French attack. He was coaching, bandaged and limping, from the sideline with as much vigour as he had leaped with to score against Wales in the semi-final.

He remains, even in his quasi-villainous, utterly goal-focused state, a truly remarkable player.

Winner: Cristiano Ronaldo (POR)

Worst team
In an expanded tournament, there should have been plenty of minnows vying for this little morsel of infamy. But, as it turned out – and not completely unsurprisingly – it was a so-called giant of the European game that wallowed the most, that found new degrading depths, that wandered home in a caustic haze of shame and ridicule.

Watching England’s final match was a little like watching one of the many mass cullings of inconvenient story lines on Game of Thrones – a slightly irritating English character accrues a foreboding stench of expendability, and is suddenly smashed by an unexpectedly robust Scandinavian. And like Game of Thrones, there was little convincing explanation for the bloodshed, as Roy Hodgson watched on, a bemused, hapless spectator at a Red Wedding of his own making.

Just like the last four England managers, he left the post with a reputation greatly diminished by having taken it, and his rather gutless “I don’t know why I’m here” routine at a post-resignation press conference the next day was depressingly emblematic of the state of his team generally. They didn’t know why they were there either, or what to do, and the lack of clarity in Hodgson’s game-plan was rightfully – if a little brutally – exposed by an organised and committed Iceland team.

The England problem endures, reaching a historic nadir here, and so they – not Sweden, or Austria, or Albania, who were all also quite awful – can lug this award home in their carry-on luggage.

Winner: England

Best match
There were some excellent contests in the group stages. France’s tournament-opening 2-1 win over Romania, Wales’ 3-0 demolition of Russia, Croatia’s 2-1 laceration of Spain, but the knockout rounds add that compelling, higher-stakes x-factor, so it seems we must pick our winner from there.

You need great goals. You need a narrative. You need drama. Wales’ win over Belgium had all of this, and more. As the Belgium team appeared to be rearing up, finally clicking, at last a glorious sum of its spangling elite parts, they met the Wales bandwagon.

Wales had played above themselves, a rather rudimentary team built around an excellent spine of Ashley Williams, Joe Allen, Aaron Ramsey, and Bale. They had already survived severe disappointment, losing to England in the group stage, before bouncing back superbly to smash Russia and secure first place in Group B.

When Radja Nainggolan belted in a howitzer, it looked like Wales’ run had hit an unleapable hurdle. Quality would show, heart and spirit can’t smother out a team of genuine stars. But then Belgium, having secured a nice lead, looked back at their makeshift defence, and suddenly felt a little wobbly.

Jordan Lukaku decided that it would be safe to leave Ashley Williams – a bullock in the air – completely free at a corner, and the Welsh equaliser slapped the smug look off the Belgian faces.

Then Robson-Kanu appeared. From Bale, via Ramsey, to Robson-Kanu, the ball settled in the centre of the Belgian box. Time slowed, and a divine light shone down, illuminating a man without a club. Old Johan surveyed the scene, smiled, waved his hand and, for some reason, and sent down a seed of inspiration.

Robson-Kanu paused, and then starkly turned. Three Belgian defenders drifted by, ghosts floating away on some doomed and pointless journey that some say they still pursue to this day. The ball nestled comfortably into the corner of the net. Then time resumed as normal, and the Welsh supporters were sent into glorious raptures.

Winner: Quarter Final – Wales 3 Belgium 1

Best goal
Of course, it’s all a matter of taste. Perhaps you enjoyed the superlative after-dinner mint that was Dimitri Payet’s match-winner for France in the first game, a snap-shot screamer hit through a closing elevator door with his weaker foot. Perhaps you liked the clean piquancy of Xherdan Shaqiri’s effort, when he rotated on his axes, like some dumpy footballing pixie-genius, to meet a mid-air ball on the edge of the box, sending it spinning devilishly into the goal off the post.

The compelling mixture of umami-flavoured strength and champagne-sparkle of Hal Robson-Kanu’s goal against Belgium makes for a tasty meal, to be sure. Then there’s the filling stomach-feel of Radja Nainggolan’s blooter against Wales, or the lingering texture of Ronaldo’s otherworldly leap against the same opponents. How about the pleasantly unexpected aftertaste of Luka Modric’s technical ball-striking exhibition against Turkey, or the sharp, bold spice of Marek Hamsik’s curler against Russia. All worthy winners-elect.

But, even though it was a penalty, and even though he didn’t score, did any of the above examples give us more satiating mirth, more enduring meme-worthiness, more utter joy than Simone Zaza’s attempted penalty kick in Italy’s shootout loss to Germany? Answer: No.

Winner: Simone ‘Astaire’ Zaza

All in all, it’s been a fine way to spend the off-season.