The Olympics Wrap: Edition 7 – Boomers booming, IOC scandal looming

Day 11
Japanese Pole Vaulter Hiroki Ogita dies by his own sword, eliminated when his penis dislodges the bar. Well… where do you start?

Twitter goes ballistic; “what a cock-up”, “Ogita stiff to miss out”, “pole vaulter’s pole lets him down”, among the cleaner ones. The irony in a Japanese competitor being let down because his penis is too big is also not lost.

Ogita considers switching to a sport where prominent display of one’s manhood is not a hinderance, but compulsory, ie Rowing.

On a big day for penis-related stories, South African women’s middle distance runner Caster Semenya comes under increased pressure from competitors believing that they should not have to compete against a ‘man’.

With progressive types pushing hard to allow children as young as four and five to ‘choose their gender’, this is an issue which isn’t going to go away.

NZ women’s 5000m runner Nikki Hamblin pulls off a clever move in her heat, falling and then stopping to help USA runner Abbey D’Agostino, who tripped over her. Both runners draw praise from all quarters for “embodying the true Olympic spirit”.

Which is patently ridiculous – as if Hamblin is the type to take money in a brown paper bag to vote for Rio as the host.

Hamblin ponders how in the past she would have kept running without even a second glance, but who only changed her attitude after being touched by New Zealand Cricket captain Brendon McCullum.

The genius behind the strategy is revealed when both athletes are added to the field for the final – without having to sprint for a position like the rest of the qualifiers.

Australian men’s marathon swimmer Jarrod Poorte powers away to distance the field for 9kms, prompting his mum to call for more TV coverage of the sport, and his coach to claim, “he could be the sex symbol of open water swimming.”

If Poorte is anyone’s idea of a sex symbol, that person’s computer hard drive needs a prompt visit from the serious crimes unit. And even if Poorte was a bit tastier, it’s a little like saying that Michelle Jenneke is the sex symbol of women’s hurdling, never mind that she’s crap at it.

One minor problem for Poorte is that the race is actually 10km long, and he is swamped by the field, eventually finishing 21st in a field of 25. If his mum watched the Tour de France she’d know that nobody ever remembers the guys who lead all day in the breakaway, before the peloton swallows them up.

22 year-old Ella Nelson describes running in the women’s 200m as “like a gladiator going out to war”. She misses the final by 0.01secs but, with a few pointers from Russell Crowe, looks a good bet for Tokyo 2020.

In a women’s soccer semi-final, Sweden wins a penalty shoot-out over Brazil, the Matildas’ schadenfreude moment. Learning from Australia’s mistakes, the Swedes cleverly devise tactics to combat Brazil goalkeeper Barbara coming off her line, ie, just put it in the back of the net and stop whingeing about it.

Day 12
Richie McCaw joins Kiwi fans at the women’s Hockey semi-finals, cheering on his fiancée Gemma Flynn. Richie really gets Hockey – there’s no offside rule.

Unfortunately he doesn’t get a result, New Zealand 0-3 to Great Britain, who go into yet another gold medal match.

One lingering notion from Usain Bolt’s medal ceremony is that the Jamaican national anthem is notable only for its soullessness and, dare I say it, ‘whiteness’. Which raises possibilities for countries to switch to more appropriate Olympic anthems. Like for example;

Jamaica, “Ganja Smuggling” (version by Eek-a-mouse)
Australia, “Castles in the Sand”
USA, “Happiness is a Warm Gun”
Great Britain, “God save the Queen” (Alt version, 12” rotten remix)
Netherlands, “Pass the Dutchie” (On the left hand side)
Russia, “The Needle and the Damage Done”

Social media pillories Brit Emma Trott as jealous and sniveling for working at her job in New Zealand, rather than watch sister Laura pick up her fourth cycling gold medal. US gymnast ‘Crabby’ Gabby Douglas is slammed as unpatriotic and selfish for not having her hand over her heart during the US national anthem, like her teammates.

Who will the Twitter do-gooders call out next? The Campbell sisters as un-Australian for not joining in with an “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi oi” chant on the swim team bus?

71-year-old IOC member Patrick Hickey is taken to hospital, reportedly ‘feeling unwell’ immediately after police arrest him in his Rio hotel, to investigate allegations of ticket scalping.

Only an Irishman could be accused of scalping tickets to poorly attended events, where the hosts are literally begging for anyone to attend for free.

The Boomers lead world ranked number three Lithuania by a cool 18 points at half time. By full-time the lead is 26 points. They look like a happy team playing without fear.

You don’t have to look far for the reason. Unlike other (losing) Australian teams at these games, they’re happy and proud about their team nickname. ‘Boomers’ is a great name, and they play accordingly. ‘Hockeyroos’ on the other hand?

They should change their name to the ‘Senators’. With Pauline Hanson and Jacqui Lambie on board, nothing rouses more pride, and is more truly representative of Australia, than the Senate.

Australian medical room condom update; original allocation 10,000, current stock, 4,144. Officials raise concerns that part of the allocation may not end up being used. Meanwhile, a request comes in from the Brazilian synchronised diving team to send any spares their way.