Now are the times that try men’s souls. And by “men”, I mean me.
Maybe it’s just the usual post-football malaise, but sport seems uncommonly depressing right now.
Obviously it’s worse when your team misses out on the big prize, as both my teams did on grand final weekend, but surely even those Australian sporting fans lucky enough to escape that heartache are feeling a little dispirited.
In cricket, our brave men in yellow have been humiliated in South Africa, 5-0, in one of those disposable one-day series that mean absolutely nothing and can safely be ignored except in the unlikely event that you lose 5-0.
It was a blow to our prestige and pride that probably showed, once and for all, that winning cricket games without any good bowlers can be difficult. Admittedly, when back at home this summer the Australians will have a much stronger attack – but THAT much stronger? I feel we’ll be pinning a lot of hopes on Glenn Maxwell.
That might not have even been the most depressing recent development for Australia’s cricket fans. Possibly more upsetting – certainly more ominous – was India’s complete splattering of New Zealand in their test series.
The Black Caps have been generally considered a pretty decent side, but they were crushed mercilessly beneath the delicate heel of Ravi Ashwin.
Strong indications are that India is basically unbeatable at home, and moreover that when Australia next arrives there, they’ll be even more unbeatable than usual, when faced with the baggy greens’ famous indomitable spirit and complete ineptitude against spin.
In short, it looks like both home and away in the near future Australia must pin all its hopes on Mitchell Starc recovering well from injury and bowling every opponent out for under 100 in every innings.
Elsewhere in the sporting world, Australia came second in the Rugby Championship, a less-than-inspiring result given that runner-up status was achieved via a couple of fitful victories over the Pumas and splitting two tests against a Springboks side that was positively atomised by the All Blacks. And that in our own sorties against the latter terrifying combination, New Zealand kicked sand in the Wallabies’ face and stole their girlfriends.
Really, there is simply no cause for optimism in rugby at all, given that the All Blacks have somehow ascended to a heretofore unsuspected level above “invincible” and seem to be incapable of decline.
After last year’s World Cup their two best players retired, and it only made them stronger. (Click to Tweet)
Right now they might as well be the Harlem Globetrotters for all the likelihood that anyone can ever beat them. And the Wallabies can’t even beat England: winning the Bledisloe Cup is currently as distant a prospect as the reunification of the rugby codes.
Speaking of the rugby codes, the rugby league Four Nations is about to start, a tournament deficient in hype, sorely lacking in glamour, and promising very little in the way of satisfaction for any Australian.
Should the Kangaroos triumph, a sigh of relief is the most euphoric emission anyone will allow: should New Zealand or England take the prize, wailing and gnashing of teeth shall be in order. It might be best we just hope nobody notices the thing is even on. A hope that may well be fulfilled, by the way – the Australian rugby and cricket teams may be feeling a little battered and bruised, but for real world-beating weakness, you have to go to the concept of international rugby league in 2016.
We turn to the indigenous game, relieved that there is no international competition to bum us out. What CAN bum us out, though, is the trade period, that time of year when AFL clubs do their best to disabuse of the notion that romance or loyalty still exist.
A Hawthorn legend looks to move west. Sydney’s exciting young gun wants to go to Hawthorn. Brisbane shops its captain around. Free agents careen around the country like pinballs. The game just isn’t the same. So for light relief let’s think a bit about whether a Brownlow medallist should be stripped of the medal for doping violations. That’ll cheer us up.
I guess there’s always football. The round-ball variety. The penalty Australia scored in order to salvage a draw that will be vital to their progress to the next stage of qualifying for a World Cup in which victory is literally impossible was incredibly exciting, was it not.
I joke, but there are several national teams I’d kill to see salvage a draw right now.
Honestly, the best sporting story I’ve seen in the last week has been Nick Kyrgios. No
w there’s an Aussie I can get excited about, which is ironic, because he’s an Aussie who can’t get excited about himself. But as I always say, if you can’t beat ’em, piss ’em off, and Kyrgios is doing a great job on that front. If only the Wallabies were capable of upsetting anyone that much.
But let’s be honest, Kyrgios is relatively small comfort. So I guess, Aussie Diamonds, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you? I’ve never been much of a netball man, but now, it seems, is the time. Because I’m sure sport wasn’t supposed to make me feel this sad.
If there are other sporting stories warming your cockles this week, do let me know. I need it.
Doogs
Guest
Nice post Republican. But Australia won the test 26-6. They were the better team but NZ's kicking game was dreadful. They would probably admit that
Doogs
Guest
I love your name: Battered Slav. That is awesome. I agree with Wessels. If you are going to sledge at least make it funny. There have been some hilarious sledges through the years. I also agree the Aussies can be tools and I am one of them. Doh. But how many of them are doing this. I know Matthew Wade does it and is not very creative either. I doubt it is the whole team. I would like to ask Wessels what the standard of sledging from SA is like. I know they are into it too. Most teams are. Maybe the Aussies suck at sledging. They might need a consultant. Like a comedian. The sledging in the old days was better because you could get jokes on Metro Gum
Up the Wahs
Roar Guru
The Socceroos got just under 19k against Iraq and 19.5k earlier on. The Wallabies only got 16k this year against the Argies but they usually play at the bigger AFL stadium.
Geoff Foley
Roar Rookie
Brown played for Hawthorn and then moved to the Suns when they started up. Milne is the infamous St Kilda player who was a very good player but an absolute dickhead of a man. Schneider won premierships at the Swans, also played for the Saints.
Waz
Guest
Full house at NIB stadium for the first time??? err, pretty sure the Socceroos did just that this year lol
Waz
Guest
I think you need to get out more! Try the A League this weekend which started out really well and the Socceroo's are doing well on the Road to Russia (you don't win them all). If that not your cup-of-team buy a KFC bucket of chicken, eat the lot, stick the empty bucket on your head and wait for the Big Bash to start up. Simple. All is never lost if you're Australian!
duecer
Guest
It may be weird to you - they probably think AFL or RL is weird. Only started the WC in early 2000's and already looks bigger than the RLWC - might even get into the commonwealth games sometime down the track.
punter
Guest
I've had a great week, went to the Sydney Derby last Saturday & then flow down to Melbourne for the Socceroos match. Depressing times was the end of the Golfing majors to the end of Sept. I watched my quota of 1/4 of AFL for the season & 1 game of RL a season in the grand finals. That was more then enough. One person's trash is someone else treasure.
Ben
Guest
Year in Australian Sport - 2016 report card so far (subjective) AFL International - not applicable Domestic - really positive NRL International - mildly positive (could increase dramatically with competitiveness of 4 nations) Domestic - really positive Cricket International - very negative (may change for the better with summer) Domestic - mildly positive (big bash, big plus) Soccer International - very positive Domestic - positive Rugby International - very negative Domestic - very negative Tennis Team (Davis Cup) - mildly positive Singles - neutral (Kyrgios is Mr Entertainment)
Sydneysider
Guest
I was amazed that 3 ex-AFL players were representing Australia in this weird sport. They were pretty good at it as well... especially Campbell Brown who is the captain. I'd never heard of him until now. Good luck to them. They must be enjoying it.
Republican
Guest
....& another thing - while I don't consider the 'Sport of Kings' to be a true sport ,as was the case last year, I don't believe there will be a solitary Australian g g racing in our cup this year.
matth
Guest
NSW is playing QLD in the MAtador one day cup today with an attack of Hazlewood, Cummins, Lyon and Bollinger. Could have been handy in SA.
matth
Guest
And don't forget that, to top it off, Bathurst was won via a time penalty. But there is one good story to get excited about - the Return of the Brisbane Bullets. Leroy must be grinning from ear to ear.
Republican
Guest
....no its not about ranking, its more to do with how we are regressing in comparison with many other nations.
Republican
Guest
......& not just by the Brits but more importantly, NZ. They came out on top v us, in the Track & Field, Cycling & the Rowing meets integral to the Olympics I believe.
Republican
Guest
Australia has matured as a nation in some respects i.e. to say we are not so obsessively focused on sport to defining our identity. That said we are certainly regressing to resemble a nation of mediocrity in sport courtesy of our affluence as well well as our altruism in sharing or is that selling, our nous and resources with and to all and sundry. Our affluence has also impacted on our physical relationship with the natural world so generationally we have devolved more removed from the physical in a sporting context, while the rest of the world has caught up. Sports i.e. Tennis and Swimming once quintessential to the Australian sporting DNA, were so much more integral to the environmental and social lifestyle of the 50's through 80s here while this is no longer a criteria for elite success of most sports around the world and as such is not exclusive to our sporting culture any longer. Just this year the French won the World Junior Surfing Championships for the first time ever while we were runners up however we have struggled in recent years to maintain our status in this sport as well. NZ are an accurate case study of what we aspired to and culturally prioritised 20 or 30 years ago, defining our identity mainly through our sporting accolades and punching above our weight. They of course exploit us to this end while we seem more an happy to oblige them in this respect. NZ will win the League Test pm and are now at the beginning of dominating us in that code as well as Union. They will likely take out the Net Ball Constellation Cup v us as well, given the home ground advantage of the remaining fixtures, while they are competitive with us across virtually any sport you care to mention including Cricket, exceptions being Surfing and Swimming for now anyway. NZ also have won the world Surf Life Saving crown 3times in a row this year included, a sport we took to NZ and the world. We now if nothing else should hold some empathy for Mother Albion, given the home grown codes she has given the world, abdicating status in these, with commendable humility in the main. Of course the almighty dollar is without a shadow of a doubt, the anti sport that has completely rendered it a tacky and tainted product, devoid of virtue and dare I say - joy meaning.
Phil
Guest
I had to Google it as,I am sure like many others,had never heard of it.Seems rather a strange game,having to hold your breath!Those guys you named were all top AFL players.I wonder how they got into Kabaddi.
The Battered Slav
Guest
Can't disagree with you there.
The Battered Slav
Guest
Mate it's a sheer numbers game. Union is likely to have many more highly skilled athletes simply due to the fact that's played by millions, not few hundred thousand. It's got nothing to do with one being superior to the other, just numbers. Anyway, maybe you're right and rugby league is the greatest sport on the face of the earth, played by the toughest, baddest, fittest, strongest, most coordinated people on the planet, who just so happen to all be on the Eastern seaboard of Aus and a few suburbs of Auckland. Maybe....
Sydneysider
Guest
rl that's true. I just read this article about Ryan Harris, former Australian fast bowler: https://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/sport/cricket/a/32857339/cricket-no-backing-down-from-australians-ryan-harris/#page1 These comments from Kepler Wessels nailed the way I feel about the Aussie cricket team: Wessels, who played for both Australia and the Proteas, says Australia's performances had made their on-field behaviour "embarrassing". "There was a time when Australian teams used sledging cleverly as a strategy," Wessels said in a column for South African broadcaster SuperSport. "The mindless babble that this group have resorted to is both embarrassing and totally ineffective." I agree. It's embarrassing. Glad they lost 5-0.