Rugby league's simplified system for punishing offenders

In light of the perceived inconsistencies in penalising drug and alcohol offences, rugby league has streamlined its disciplinary measures in time for its next sloppy relapse.

The amendments will be rapidly implemented not only to alleviate confusion but also because another pantsless atrocity is sure to happen again pretty soon.

The changes bring into line punitive standards from all relevant bodies while also encompassing every wonderfully creative sin footballers are known to be capable of (up to and including the Saturday swill of 13 May 2017).

Rugby league trusts that the new reference table will generate consistent outcomes for its slew of offenders, thus finally resulting in something positive for the game that isn’t an A sample.

Penalties for abuse of illicit substances
Apprehended by police: Two-week suspension.
Apprehended by police with a mop on your head: Four weeks.
Apprehended by NRL: Bugger all.
Apprehended twice by NRL: Holiday to France.
Admission of illicit substance abuse for an entire career: Named immortal.

Note: Those suspected of secretly abusing drugs for an entire career will be sentenced to the media to sanctimoniously finger-wag about the game having a drug problem.

Bringing the game into disrepute
Consorting with underworld figures: Fine and court conviction.
Consorting with underworld figures despite warning issued: Receive contract payout.

Feature in sex tape: Eight-week suspension.
Feature in Lowes commercial: Eternal humiliation.

Failure to meet 1am curfew: One-week suspension.
Failure to meet five-year plan: Sentencing decision delegated to a Magistrate Gould, Nepean County.

Inappropriate use of a carriage service
Toey on mobile: One-game Origin suspension.
Toey on Snapchat: Two-game NRL suspension.
Not the good kinda toey on phone from coaches box: I’m sorry, but Craig Bellamy is above the law.

Contrary conduct
Touching a referee: $1500 fine.
Arrive late for training: One week.
Systematic use of performance enhancing drugs: Three weeks.

Admission of drink-driving: Loss of test jersey.
Attempt to conceal drink driving: Earn Roosters contract.

Disorderly behaviour in licensed premises: Sentenced by local media.
Disorderly behaviour in licensed premises in Brisbane: Touted as Origin prospect.

Simulating sex act on canine: Eight weeks and $125,000 fine.
Anyone not held responsible for New South Wales’s failure simulating sex act on canine: Released to England, probably on higher income.

Throwing moisturiser: Damages.
Throwing eggs: $2500 fine.
Throwing water bottles: Two-week suspension.
Throwing tantrums: Transfer to Souths, Tigers to pay costs.

Drinking while injured: $1000 fine.
Drinking while touring: One-week suspension.
Drinking while roofing: Extradited to Sydney for rep jerseys and better pay.

Thumb-related offences
Attempting to rip opponent’s injured thumb from socket: $2100 fine.
Lewd Tweet: $50,000 fine.

Recidivists
Repeated alcohol-based incidents: Release a large font paperback of ‘footy’s best yarns’.
Repeated drug-based incidents: Deportation to Gold Coast.
Repeated Stilnox or energy drink incidents: Undetermined, but congratulations on your test cap.

Note: Gratuitous use of painkillers or sleeping medication is also prohibited, except when seeking to ‘get up for next round’.