Collingwood, sometimes I think you want to fail

It was with a sense of bewilderment that I heard Collingwood Football Club had re-signed coach Nathan Buckley for another two seasons.

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Even after 40 seasons of witnessing constant stupidity at my beloved club, stunned doesn’t begin to describe my incredulity and anger at such a dreadful move.

I immediately hit the comments board to spout my vitriol among those of the gleeful haters who were reveling joyously in the knowledge that the Magpies would not be a force in the AFL again anytime soon.

Despite all my rage, and that of the tens of thousands of Pies members who are similarly mystified by this, there is nothing we can do to change it. But I couldn’t let my comments die buried on a message board. My voice of dissent and evidence-based logic must be heard.

If history is a guide, the only way Collingwood’s present fortunes will change is when we win another wooden spoon. That’s the only way we ever change: when we hit rock bottom.

This ludicrous decision to reappoint Buckley is the epitome of my Collingwood. In the history of the mighty Magpies, our worst and most dedicated enemy has not been Carlton but ourselves.

Only we can truly destroy us.

We repeatedly make the same stupid decisions based on misguided loyalty to past greats. For whatever reason, whether it is factionalism, cronyism, in fighting or incompetence – or a mixture of all of them – Collingwood never does well with ex-players as coach. They only do well when non-Collingwood people are at the helm.

Yet we constantly fail to learn this lesson and keep going back to the well of our club champions, and the inevitable dismal failure that they bring.

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Just have a look at this timeline:

1975 – Appoint club legend Murray Weidemann as coach. Finished fifth. Eliminated first week of finals.
1976 – ‘Win’ first ever wooden spoon.
1977 – Appoint first ever non-ex player as coach in Tommy Hafey. Tie the grand final versus North Melbourne (lose the replay).
1978 – Lost preliminary final to North Melbourne.
1979 – Lost grand final to Carlton.
1980 – Lost grand final to Richmond.
1981 – Lost grand final to Carlton.
1982 – Hafey sacked mid-season following nine straight losses. Replaced by ex-Magpie Mick Erwin. Finish third last.
1983 – Ex-Port Adelaide player John Cahill appointed coach. Finish sixth.
1984 – Lost preliminary final to Essendon. Cahill returns to coach in SANFL.
1985 – Beloved ex-Player and coach Bob Rose appointed coach at 57 years of age. Finish sixth.
1986 – Rose resigns after losing first three rounds and is replaced by Hawthorn legend Leigh Matthews. Pies win 12 of last 19 games to just miss finals on percentage.
1987 – Win only seven games for the season and finish third last.
1988 – Finish in second place after home-and-away season. Lose both finals.
1989 – Finish fifth and are knocked out in first week of finals.
1990 – Win first premiership for 32 years.
1991 – Finish seventh and outside the finals. Darren Millane dies in car crash in October.
1992 – Finish third. Eliminated by St Kilda.
1993 – Finish eighth and miss finals. Nathan Buckley joins club.
1994 – Finish eighth and eliminated in first week of finals.
1995 – Finish tenth. Matthews sacked and club champion Tony Shaw appointed as his successor.
1996 – Finish 11th and miss finals.
1997 – Finish tenth and miss finals.
1998 – Finish 14th and miss finals.
1999 – Win second ever wooden spoon. Former Richmond player, and Footscray and West Coast clipboard holder Mick Malthouse appointed coach for 2000 season.
2000 – Finish 15th and miss finals.
2001 – Finish ninth and miss finals.
2002 – Lose grand final to Brisbane Lions.
2003 – Lose grand final to Brisbane Lions.
2004 – Finish 13th and miss finals.
2005 – Finish 15th and miss finals.
2006 – Finish fifth. Knocked out in first week of finals.
2007 – Finish sixth. Lose preliminary final to eventual premiers Geelong by five points.
2008 – Finish eighth. Knocked out in second week of finals.
2009 – Lose preliminary final to eventual premiers Geelong.
2010 – Win 15th premiership in grand final replay.
2011 – Lose grand final to Geelong. Club champion Buckley becomes coach.
2012 – Lose preliminary final to Sydney Swans.
2013 – Finished sixth. Knocked out in first week of finals.
2014 – Finished 11th after losing eight of last 11 games.
2015 – Finished 12th and miss finals.
2016 – Finished 12th and miss finals.
2017 – Finished 13th and miss finals for fourth straight year. Reappoint Buckley for two years.

Now look at that in chart form:

That’s damning stuff. Excuse the pun, but it’s all there in black and white.

100 per cent of all Collingwood’s grand final appearances since 1975 – that’s 43 seasons – have been with non-Collingwood men at the helm.

Over that time, 71.4 per cent of the Pies’ finals appearances have been during the 26 seasons with non-Collingwood men at the helm. 60 per cent of the time that the Magpies have missed the finals it has been during the 17 seasons that an ex-player was coach. 100 per cent of the time that Collingwood has got the wooden spoon has been with ex-Magpies as coach.

This pattern is so clear I’m at a total loss as to why the Collingwood board hasn’t woken up to it and taken action.

I knew it in 2011, when Eddie McGuire pushed Malthouse out and replaced him with the totally untried Buckley.

AAP Image/Joe Castro

Collingwood has now missed the finals for four consecutive years. That’s the sort of thing that I expect from St Kilda, North Melbourne, Brisbane or the Western Bulldogs. I do not expect it from the biggest and richest sporting club in Australia.

Following a full review into the club by Geoff Walsh, the powers that be have reappointed Buckley for two more years. It is enough to make me vomit with anger.

There is zero, nada, niente, nil excuse for missing the finals four years straight. Yet these clowns are acting like it’s all just fine, returning a man with the apparent strategic and tactical abilities of a banana to the helm.

Not only do the boys in black and white have no working gameplan, their skills have gone backwards. Their kicking, marking and hand passing is better suited to the VFL – which is where most of our recent raft of bizarre draft picks have been plying their trade.

Whoever thought Lynden Dunn or Chris Mayne were good pick-ups should just start running now. And then we signed up injury prone 30 something Daniel Wells from North Melbourne for some bizarre reason. Surprise, surprise: he’s spent most of the year injured!

It’s time for Walsh and Hine to go if they think this trade strategy is anything but dreadful.

All the other clubs are laughing at us because they just can’t believe how stupid and inept we are. I don’t blame them. It is a joke.

Our theme song right now shouldn’t be ‘Good old Collingwood forever’, it should be the Benny Hill music.

And I’d find it funny if it wasn’t all so imbecilic and amateur.

Yet there are those who demand that the disenfranchised supporters, like myself, should blindly follow our club, no matter how badly things are going, and stand by the clowns running the place into the ground because “it’s what real Collingwood people do…”

I pay $250 a year to be an interstate social club member. The last three seasons I haven’t even managed to get to a game in Melbourne, but I keep paying my membership. Why? Because, as much as I hate the Collingwood Football Club for how upset they make me, I adore my side to my very core.

I wish I didn’t, but I do. Side by side we do stick together. And I have. And I will.

But understand this: if you want to go along being a happy little lemming while we follow this pack of idiots off the cliff, go right ahead. However, as I’m plunging off the precipice behind you, I intend to give the leaders the very sharp edge of my tongue and tell them what’s what.

That is my right. It what Collingwood needs.

We have now missed the finals for four straight years. That is abject failure. I won’t accept it.

Reappointing Buckley now is an insult to the members of the club. And if the only reason you did was because you couldn’t find anyone better, then it’s time to get out and let someone who can do the job.

I expect the highest level of professionalism and good business decisions from my club of 40 years.

We are the biggest and richest club – of any sporting type – in Australia. Four years straight missing the finals is unacceptable. Inexcusable.

I demand a coach who can coach. I demand recruiters who get great talent in. And I especially demand a president and board who demand that it happens – and when it doesn’t happen, roll the heads and replace them with competent people who can bring our precious club back to glory.

Floreat Pica.