The ECB addresses rumours about England's culture

The England and Wales Cricket Board would like to address the speculation regarding the culture of the England team.

The Board takes great offence to the recent attacks on the team’s conduct. Furthermore, we are deeply disappointed this has diverted the spotlight away from more pertinent topics, like the cricket and KP’s pants.

Following a recent internal investigation, the ECB can categorically confirm there are no issues relating to the team’s culture.

Results indicate it is business as usual, with camp still a feral farrago of drinking which is occasionally interrupted for fielding drills.

The Board is confident this review provides assurance the England team is solely focused on preparing for the task at hand, which is fighting anything that moves before drinking it under the table, and litigating anything that slanders us online.

The ECB would also like to express disappointment towards the media for twisting facts in the Johnny Bairstow case.

This was nothing more than a poorly disguised attempt to derail England’s Ashes campaign. The media should leave sabotaging tours to the experts, like our selectors.

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Thankfully, the accusations levelled against Bairstow have been disproven. He didn’t headbutt Cameron Bancroft, he actually dribbled his head like a basketball before skolling 12 Cosmopolitans and driving home.

Bairstow has since been reprimanded for the incident, but this was for admitting he intended no malice.

He was punished with ten sessions of alcohol renouncing, but remains available for selection like any devout hooligan or South African.

But despite the board self-diagnosing a healthy culture, we acknowledge there is always room for improvement.

We can confirm questions raised internally about the drinking ban have now been addressed. The policy has now been amended to permit players to drink on-field, provided they wear one of those beer-can hats with the straws to ensure handling isn’t compromised.

To further embed the team’s high standards, these additional amendments have been introduced effective immediately:

• A midnight curfew to facilitate nightclub pre-loading,
• All net sessions to be conducted inside an octagon,
• An immediate clarification on what constitutes a ‘hook’, ‘cut’ and ‘reverse sweep’,
• All opposition players ordered to pad-up before attending post-play drinks in the England dressing room.

As a duty of care, the England team will also expand ICC concussion protocol to include social functions.

The ECB is confident today’s announcement will lay to rest the unfortunate innuendo surrounding the team, while also providing an explanation for Alastair Cook’s appalling run with the stick.