You've got some runs in you England, haven't you?

If you were given a choice in how, ideally, a series should progress it is fairly safe to say you would not choose the road down which England have travelled thus far.

There was a stress-free few weeks that constituted the warm-up – I know they’d have liked tougher opposition but that’s just how it is for all touring teams – but ever since Mitchell Starc sent down the first delivery at the Gabba it’s been something of downhill slide.

Now they did win the toss in Brisbane but this triumph has been lost among the comically hyperbolic nonsense that has engulfed them ever since.

The crappiest of head-butts that, rather curiously, left neither man with any after effects, 10-wicket defeat, backs against the wall press conferences, we sledged, they sledged, we’ll keep sledging, the sledging is nothing, we’ll keep sledging, they’ll keep sledging, we’re mean, they’re mean, 120-run defeat, curfew, they’re not in it, we’re still in it, beer on the head, booze cruise, player (not on the tour) suspension, backs against the wall press conferences, heads should roll, heads will roll, we’re still in it, they’re barely still in it, Ben Stokes’ fault, the WACA.

And given all that has gone on, and depressingly the above paragraph is only a summary, I doubt whether the venue of choice for Round 3 would’ve been the one where England’s record is as convincing as a Lance Armstrong doping denial.

England have shown a few glimpses to suggest that they could, and that needs to be emphasised as a very big ‘could’, upset the apple cart in Perth but history, both distant and very recent, is pointing emphatically towards one outcome and it isn’t a Boxing Day Test with a series still in the balance.

Putting off-field shenanigans, which have been nowhere near as carefree as some would have you believe, to one side for a moment, there is an ever so simple reason why England have headed west two down.

(AAP Image/Dave Hunt)

In four completed innings they have managed totals of 302, 195, 227 and 233 which probably wouldn’t win you games against Zimbabwe let alone the opposition they are currently up against.

To exacerbate this statistic, only four players have managed to raise their bat for a half-century and only once has three figures been remotely threatened – and even in that particular case James Vince still had plenty of work to do.

You could point the finger at the under-par performance of the seamers in Adelaide after Joe Root had invited the hosts to bat on the first morning and even the ineffectiveness of Moeen Ali as contributing factors, which they have been to some extent, but that would be to miss the point.

The West Indies of a late 80s/early 90s vintage could’ve worked with those totals but for Anderson, Broad, Woakes and Overton you cannot read Marshall, Bishop, Ambrose and Walsh and this is the problem.

Compare the firepower of the two sides at this moment in time and there isn’t a comparison to make. This isn’t to demean the England attack who on the whole haven’t performed too badly, but an upturn in their performance needs to be complemented by those making up the top seven.

(Photo by Philip Brown/Getty Images)

If, and this is a really big ‘if’, they can somehow reach the 400 mark in their first innings then there is an opportunity to ruffle a few feathers but any repeat of the previous couple of outings will lead to nothing of the sort.

Root has at least sought to alter the gameplan a touch by moving Jonny Bairstow to six and Ali down to seven and this, given Bairstow is more accomplished than a few of his colleagues, has to be a good thing if only to potentially disrupt Nathan Lyon.

But the issue hasn’t really been the order but the output and until that is rectified nothing will change.

To use a very ropy pun, the third Test looms as a last-chance saloon for England where they simply have to punch above their weight and then some.

Two-one is obviously the favoured scenario to take to the MCG and even 2-0, taking into account the current climate, would be accepted but 3-0 with two to play? That would drive many an Englishman to drink.