With the Ashes won by Australia and with two Tests left to play, organisers and fans alike are searching for ways of making the rest of the series interesting, aside from the obvious answer that seems to be the solution to most English cricketing problems: drinking responsibly.
So how to keep the series interesting? Here are a few ideas.
Adopt a Pom
Similar to the ‘Adopt a Highway’ schemes, allow fans or groups of fans to support one of the English team, giving them some interest in the English team’s success for the remainder.
The scheme could get even more interesting by introducing perks when the player does well, including a coffee with Mark Stoneman after a commendable 50, a trip to the hospital with Craig Overton after every other session or a fine duck dinner with Alastair Cook.
Let the people choose
While I personally would never entertain it, many of the Australian public have been critical of the Australian selectors in the past.
Given the selectors have managed to put a winning team on the park, it only seems right that the viewing public is given the same chance now with the series won, and what better way than a fried chicken-inspired dial-in?
Fans could vote for who they want on the team and who they want off it. If Cricket Australia wanted to get really funky, they could also let fans nominate full teams based on themes, such as a team made exclusively of every Australian captain since Bill Lawry or a team made exclusively of every spinner picked since Warnie.
I don’t know about you, but a batting attack including Dan Cullen and Beau Casson is enough to get me interested.
(Philip Brown/Getty Images)
Get back
The first tour of England by an Australian team was made up entirely of Aboriginal players who not only played cricket on the tour but also gave boomerang-throwing demonstrations and took part in hurdles races between play.
While the hurdles might seem a little unnecessary, I’d love to see which Ashes team could win a tug of war or an egg and spoon race. I dare say the betting agencies would be pretty supportive of this too.
Steve Smith may have scored more runs than Joe Root this series, but could he beat him at chess boxing?
Learn from the women’s team
The Women’s Ashes was recently finished, with the Australian team winning the little trophy in a contest that was decided over all three formats of cricket.
Changing the format of the Ashes may shake up tradition, but World Series Cricket did the same and kept all formats interesting and popular while also bringing delightfully coloured clothing to the sport.
England may not be able to field a team that can stay sober or uninjured over five days, but 20 overs may be a real possibility for them.
Glenn Maxwell
The people’s prince. Get him in the series. I don’t care who for – England, Australia or just playing on his own team – but it’d certainly be something that would excite the fans.
JimmyB
Guest
How about just playing IN Tasmania, that'd be a start. There's about as much chance of that as there is of the ECB taking an Ashes test away from Lord's and giving it to Chester Le Street.
JimmyB
Guest
'Let's not say anything until Australia retain the Ashes in England in 2019...' Bit late for that it seems Bakkies, the gloating, smugness and mocking is in full swing.
Michael
Guest
1,000x yes to this idea. With Pinky Beecroft in when his namesake is batting.
Bakkies
Guest
Lets not say anything until Australia retain the Ashes in England in 2019 after 18 years of not winning a series there.
English twizz
Guest
Last bit we will be alright in T20 it's what we are good at now
Bearfax
Roar Guru
The answer is have England play Tasmania for the Ashes. That would be a more competitive series.
Dianne Andrews
Guest
I really like the format for the womens game with points allocated across all formats. I really like Maxie and he would be in any team I pick and I really, really like Bob Wires idea about the commentary team.
TheRev
Roar Pro
Those are the greatest ideas ever
Mango Jack
Roar Guru
The obvious answer is for England to recall Ben Stokes. Bay 13 (does it still exist?) would go off when he comes out to bat.
Mango Jack
Roar Guru
I like the last one. Dad Swampy was looking pretty toey in the stands at the WACA. Get him back out in the middle.
John Erichsen
Roar Guru
Make the current sides play with their non dominant hand. Righties bat and bowl left handed, etc . Bring back the stocks for umpires who give batsmen out when the ball is missing the stumps. Fans can work on their throwing with boxes of tomatoes. Put the Balmy Army on a stage in the middle of the ground and let them sing. They have been by far the most impressive performers our of all the tourists. Prepare a new overlay for the DRS system. One thar shows where the full length starts. Then introduce a law where no English tailender can be out it the ball doesn't pitch in the full section. Find nine other Marsh's to make up the Austalian side, along with Shaun and Mitch.
Gurudoright
Guest
I would say keep the Ashes as it is but also have a trophy/competition like the women’s Ashes ie a combine points tally for test, one-dayers and T20
Perry Bridge
Guest
What International Cricket misses completely is the soccer style 'away goals' loading. An away win should count for at least 1.5 pts compare to a home win at 1 pt. Therefore, England would still be in the running to tie the series 3 pts apiece. Clearly - were Australia to travel to India and tie a 3 test series 1-1, then Australia would be the moral winners. The extension though - is that an away draw be perhaps worth half a point, so, that provides series standings motivation for the host team to make sure they win and the visiting team to do their best to avoid defeat. You could set up limits around time lost to bad weather. And the 'away' loading isn't taken into account in the current calcs re ICC Test Championship. So - - on this I'm actually serious even if the article was in jest. Anyway - I back #5 - bring Maxwell in. However - having watched him (streaming) make his 278 and 96, as exciting as he could be, he was wonderfully measured and much more correct than SPD Smith.
Bob Wire
Guest
Let the people decide on the commentary team. Let's freshen up the people who tell us what's happening. Tex Perkins for me.
English twizz
Guest
For fun read the English news about the ashes and watch the blood sport that will follow