What should England do now?

An English touring team in disarray 3-0 down, Australia triumphant about being geniuses as if they can’t win overseas to save their life, the UK press circling. It’s almost comfortingly familiar.

What are England to do now?

1. Don’t Panic
These things happen. The English have a long, noble tradition of getting thumped while over here – series like 1954-55, 1970-71 and 2010-11 tend to be the exceptions rather than the rule.

England normally need outside help to beat Australia in Australia, like World Series Cricket, South African rebel tours or Bodyline. A lot better players than this lot have done a lot worse.

2. Have a long chat with Stuart Broad and Alastair Cook
These two have been around a long time and have done a lot for England. They deserve consideration. Take them out to dinner and ask when they’re thinking of retiring. If they whinge, point out their recent form. Gently encourage them to do it now to save face. If they don’t…

3. Decide what to do about them Stuart Broad and Alastair Cook
Do you keep the faith or give them another go? These things are tricky. The Ashes have been lost and they’re both playing terribly but they do have good track records.

I’d be inclined to at least show Broad the door. He so clearly doesn’t want to be there. Cook is tricker, but how much Test cricket does one person need to play? Just be decent about it, English selectors.

(AAP Image/Dave Hunt)

4. Drop Moeen Ali
He’s done some great things for English cricket. He’s a fighter, but he’s been awful on this tour. He’s not scoring runs or taking wickets. Unlike Broad or Cook, though, if he got dropped, you get the sense he’d be back in the team once he got his groove – or Ben Stokes – back, so you don’t have to be as gentle about it.

They’ve got two options: Mason Crane or Jack Leach. I haven’t seen either bowl, but I’d be inclined to go the latter because 167 wickets from 51 first-class games at 26.47 is a lot better than 75 wickets from 29 games at 43.98.

5. Forget the five bowler policy and pick six batsmen
It worked when Stokes counterbalanced Ali, but one isn’t here and the other is stinking up the joint. Five bowlers didn’t work in 2006-07 and 2013-14 and it hasn’t worked here. Four bowlers worked in 2010-11.

The best chance of England winning from now is to put on a big total and put Australia under pressure. Maybe a top six like:

1. Mark Stoneman
2. Alastair Cook, or Dan Lawrence if Cook wants to retire
3. Joe Root
4. Joe Clarke
5. Dawid Malan
6. Liam Livingstone

You’re only trying two new batsmen. Malan’s decent form enables Root to play at three. Maybe put Bairstow up to six and Livingstone at seven if you want.

If they can’t bring themselves to drop anyone, then at least consider the following:

1. Mark Stoneman
2. Alastair Cook
3. James Clarke
4. Joe Root
5. Dawid Malan
6. Gary Ballance

(Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)

6. Have a look at who your three pacemen will be
The one lock would probably be James Anderson. The easiest selection politically would be Anderson, Stuart Broad, and Craig Overton or Chris Woakes. But Broad really should be dropped, and I can’t get excited about Overton or Woakes. Maybe bring in Mark Wood?

They’re all so uninspiring, but Wood may at least make the Aussies feel a little uncertain.

My team for the next Test would look like:

1. Mark Stoneman
2. Dan Lawrence
3. Joe Root
4. Joe Clarke
5. Dawid Malan
6. Jonny Bairstow
7. Liam Livingstone
8. Craig Overton
9. Jack Leach
10. Mark Wood
11. James Anderson

Or at very least would look like:

1. Mark Stoneman
2. Alastair Cook
3. James Vince
4. Joe Root
5. Dawid Malan
6. Jonny Bairstow
7. Gary Ballance
8. Jack Leach
9. Craig Overton
10. Stuart Broad
11. James Anderson

(Philip Brown/Getty Images)

7. Ignore your ex-players
Michael Vaughan, Graeme Swan, Kevin Pietersen – all had their moments of stupidity playing for England. All were part of huge Ashes defeats. If they wanted to be really helpful, they would’ve gone into coaching. Just pretend they’re not around.

I have this awful feeling Broad will be back in four years annoying us with a microphone and going on about Trent Bridge 2015 all the time.

8. Australia have their weaknesses
Mitchell Marsh played the innings of his life at the WACA, but he has a first-class batting average of 30. Warner seems out of sorts. Excellent work at press conferences aside, Cameron Bancroft hasn’t set the world on fire. Usman Khawaja remains in second gear. An injury has to affect one of the fast bowlers some time.

Most importantly, they don’t do that well under pressure. Remember how the nation went into meltdown when Steve Smith didn’t enforce the follow on and England scored some runs? The bowling coach got stuck into Smith at a press conference.

If England make some changes, bolster their batting and keep focused, they could still salvage something from this and maybe launch a fresh new career or two.