A plucky England camp still believe they can find a way to counter Steve Smith “some time this century”.
Despite appearing to have no hope of ever nullifying the Aussie skipper again, coaching staff remain confident they will “have his measure” sometime in the modern era.
The enigmatic Smith has breathlessly tortured England this summer, with his most recent cheap dismissal coming at the hands of the tourists sometime last spring.
In the process he has produced the streak needed to earn comparisons to Don Bradman, which in Australia requires around three or four hundreds not by Adam Voges.
But England have denied reports Smith has them in a panic, despite applying to the British government to have the entire National Lottery fund budgeted towards making him snick-up.
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In fact the team hierarchy has been encouraged by their unrelenting inferiority, with belief firm that only a “few misread lengths” are to blame for the skipper averaging 142.
While the team’s secret blueprint to undo Smith remains in its infancy, sources say it mainly involves bowling dry lines until he retires.
England believe if they can restrict Smith to 23* (2836) and “pray he doesn’t have any children”, their subordination could eventually by stymied before the 2098 series.
Additionally, top brass will work on disarming Smith by concentrating on internal morale.
This will involve rebuilding the shattered confidence of the current attack after they somehow slumped to getting the Australian public off Mitchell Marsh’s back for a few hours.
Complementing this, England will also look to remodel their 100-plus Test veteran seamers to bowl like a rookie with a broken rib, while also overhauling County Cricket to mirror the unique Australian conditions of wet patches and irresistible beers.
However, it is believed Mitchell Johnson’s free advice on Smith to “bounce the c*** out of him” will be refused in preference to a more simplified approach.
England believe their future plan combined with a few pitchside fieldsmen could see them finagle Smith to something manageable, maybe even before he retires.
While they acknowledge this is a long-term vision to keep Smith under wraps, sources report the tourists are confident of still salvaging something from their battle with the Aussie skipper this summer, like “hopefully a run-out”.
Graeme
Guest
Maybe they should retry the Jardine plan, which was a winner. I wouldn't put it past them if it wasn't for modern day helmets and padding or if their bowlers at real time don't look like a slow motion replay.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Bloody fantastic, this. Thanks JGK!
JGK
Roar Guru
Here it is if interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igSyaWTU1cA
JGK
Roar Guru
This reminds me of one of the very early Clarke and Dawe interviews during the 89 Ashes where they interviewed "David Gower" just after the second Test when Waugh had scored over 300 runs in the series without getting out. Part of the conversation went along the lines of: Dawe: So, do you have a plan to get Steve Waugh out? Clarke (Gower): Oh yes, we'll definitely get him. Dawe: So you're going to get Waugh out in the next Test? Clarke: Oh no, I didn't say that. Maybe around the 5th or at worst 6th Test. Good times - that series didn't do great things for my HSC mark though.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks Chris! I seriously agree with everything you’ve said. Especially the bit about Sir Don.
Chris
Guest
Ridiculously ignorant article. I would like to see Smith and his colleagues make runs in England on swinging pitches where the atmosphere is conducive to making the ball move about. I love the flat wickets at home that generate a beautiful spectacle but this is a worldwide game played in an assortment of conditions. One swallow doesn't make a spring and one summer doesn't overturn a hundred and forty years of tradition, statistics and wonderful test match cricket played in good spirit and with a level of decency representative of our great Aussie tradition of fair play. I don't think Sir Donald would have approved of this article or the poor language used herein.
peter chrisp
Guest
That’s one of the funniest makes no sense comment I have heard in ages with 2 more tests to complete the series the chances of Steve Smith inflicting more pain on the Pommies are prettying high and at the age of not quite sure could player forward
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks Chris! Definitely worth having a go, can’t be any worse than their current ‘plans’ (run-outs)
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks a million, Paul. Much appreciated! Here’s to the Poms taking their sweet time
Chris Love
Roar Guru
Nice read mate. It’s been amazing to watch how quickly England go defensive on Smith. They set a plan, he hits a four, they change the plan. Last test I think he hit a cover drive and Anderson signalled the square leg to go back to the fence. What the? I think England’s first order of business is to sit down Joe Root and tell him he’s the captain of the English cricket side and it is he that sets the fields not the bowlers. Anderson and Broad don’t like going’s for runs and will gesture fielders deep to keep their economy down. If I were root I’d be trying to get Smith nicking down that 4-5th stump corridor constantly early on and instructing the bowlers no more than one ball per over or two to try and nip back on off stump for the inside edge/lbw. Set an attacking field for that line. If they stray onto his pads more often and he puts them mostly away, too bad James and Stuart stick to the bloody plan. He’s more patient than any bastsman I’ve ever seen. No use trying to dry him up to cause a false stroke like may work to Warner when he’s in form. May as well go all out offensive fields until he hits 40 because once he gets there “run out” really is your best plan from there.
paul
Guest
The old British stiff upper lip should be quivering a bit but the Poms reckon they've got the goods on Smith - maybe Anderson and Broads kids might, but not the current guys. Thanks for this article and the others I've enjoyed this year Dane. Hope for some more inspired creations in 2018.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Now that’s definitely a win. Thanks Andy!
AndyFNQ
Guest
Article made me laugh. Even my wife who hates sports got a chuckle out of it!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Good morning Max, and thank you for clicking on the cricket tab. So many great comparisons between the Smiths, especially how they’re both impossible to get rid of. Have a wonderful Xmas, my friend!
MAX
Guest
Hi Dane, I absent- mindedly clicked Cricket instead of League. Voila! "Here's Dane" Be it with the Kookaburra or the Steeden your pen captures sporting history like no other. I substituted Cameron for Steve and read on. Amazing how they both play as though they own time and their respective 'set ups' does just that to oppositions. Many thanks for your wonderful writings during the year and the very best for 2018.