How to be a bona fide Socceroos supporter in 2018

Now that the collective sigh of relief has taken place after the Socceroos successful qualification for Russia 2018, it is time to relax. Not the players mind you, us.

It was exhausting and now I truly understand what that mysterious general soreness thing actually is.

Prior to the second round of qualifiers, I predicted Australia to qualify on goal difference. How close I was, yet so tragically far in many ways.

The real plus was probably experienced by those Socceroos fans in Sydney, who had the privilege of seeing two fantastic playoff matches. Both the Syrian and Honduran games had their own type of drama and it was nothing less than what one would expect when two teams lay everything on the line for a crack at the biggest prize in world football.

However, that was then and this is now and as the A-League trudges on with a bumbling VAR system, stagnate attendances and dwarf-like free-to-air figures, the boom in interest around the national team has subsided.

As a result, those who climbed on board for the ride, despite not being A-League or NPL supporters, have returned to their lounges, donned their bucket hats and begun enjoying the Ashes and the circus that is the Big Bash.

The Spring Carnival lured in many, just like the recently completed Rugby League World Cup that rated well digitally and physically, and the AFL public relations machine has once again almost eliminated the off-season, with trade and draft action keeping people enthused.

The New Year sees the summer of tennis roll around and the ramping up of interest in the winter codes will create headlines throughout February.

But then, as the chilliness of winter approaches, thoughts will shift back to the Socceroos embarking on the next part of their frequent flyer odyssey and heading to Russia for the World Cup. Some quality friendlies will be slated in the lead up, which will whet the appetite of fans.

Then the fervour will begin. Socceroos training sessions will be lead stories on commercial television stations. Major newspapers will cover the event with something of a cringeworthy nationalistic focus and wring every inch from fans’ obsession with success on the world stage.

All the while, the hard-core supporters will show composure and perspective, knowing how difficult the task at hand actually is. The more casual crowd will don flags, boxing kangaroos and inflatable giant fingers in an attempt to ride the wave and advance the Socceroos to the second phase of the tournament.

As a result, I thought it might be apt to offer some advice and tips for those climbing aboard, just to make sure they enjoy the full experience of an Aussie football supporter.

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1. Mathew Leckie and Robbie Kruse
You haven’t earned your stripes until you fundamentally question the position of both of these men in the team. Shouting, “Cross it you idiot”, or “he’s f##cking hopeless” are essentials.

Ensure that when a goal does arrive from either player, a comment along the lines of, “aahhh, world class, he plays in Germany you know”, is clearly audible. Your status as a Jekyll and Hyde Socceroo supporter will be granted soon after.

2. Tablets
Some sage advice is to source some well-prescribed medication to keep moods balanced and blood pressure within acceptable levels. These drugs will aid in dealing with the undoubted roller-coaster of emotions to be experienced.

Moving from hope, to frustration, to anger and anguish, and eventually arriving at sarcasm and comedy, is pretty much the full gamut when it comes to the emotions in an Australia match.

Having those magic little pills handy is a wise idea, as most health funds fail to recognise Socceroo-inflicted strokes and heart episodes as claimable incidents.

3. Pronunciation
This is the most sure-fire way to gain credibility.

Listening to a little of Ned Zelic’s work on Foxtel will give you a clear indication of what is required, as would watching some of the late Les Murray’s World Football appearances on SBS.

In a world where phonetics go out the window, ‘c’ becomes ‘ch’, as in Tom Rogic and Danny Vukovic, while ‘J’ become ‘Y’, as in Mile Jedinak and Matthew Jurman. Other tricky names like Mat Ryan and Ryan McGowan need the full Irish treatment.

Most important is the pronunciation of the word ‘fudball’ – get it right or you will be a laughing stock.

Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images

4. Cry like a baby
The final and most important step in feeling like a true Australian football fan is being open to tears. Through the good and the bad, this wretched team has crushed us, confounded us and inspired us.

Do a little research on a certain game against Iran, the nightmarish trip to Uruguay, and look up a bloke named John Aloisi and you will then understand the importance of crying to the Australian national football team.

I cried at ANZ in the final ten minutes against Honduras and I might even cry when the anthem is sung at the Kazan Arena prior to the opening World Cup match against France on June 16.

Being able to turn on the water-works when needed will see you accepted by all.

I could point out a few other peripheral suggestions, such as blaming Ange Postecoglou for just about everything, claiming to understand the switch to the back three that he introduced or even being aware that ‘Timmy’ is in fact Tim Cahill’s legal name.

However, you’ll be okay with the above. Good luck, and be ready, it will be a ride like nothing you have ever experienced.