Panthers in turmoil: Griffin's replacement already under review

Crisis: future Panthers coach Trent Barrett is already under internal review by the club, according to my snake-oil clairvoyance.

Sources close to my imagination have confirmed the club is shaping up to sack a coach it has yet to hire, with reasons cited as it being still six days until Origin and I need my month-end bonus.

The club has predictably issued a volley of crazy denials in response to the allegations, with Phil Gould refuting links to Barrett while throwing his support behind Anthony Griffin regularly on the half-hour.

Additionally, he also crazily claimed reviews are a common occurrence in corporate environments, with most conducted at Penrith by the head coach himself.

However, my story that everything is under pressure definitely checks out because I got a text.

I can reveal this was exclusively received from Dean Ritchie and it conclusively confirms Gus’ crisis.

While the text actually said “gas crisis”, it was definitely just a typo and not Ritchie calling in sick after we shared an arduous evening together on Parramatta Rd.

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Further deepening the crisis, I have attempted to contact Penrith for comment but to no avail.

This refusal to accept my calls about the review confirms they are too busy conducting a review, and has nothing to do with preferring to perpetuate tenuous media innuendo rather than endure the utter torture of conversing with me for longer than it takes to tell me to rack off.

As for Barrett’s links to the club, his camp has confirmed he remains contracted to the Sea Eagles and has no interest in the Panthers role, nor has he been approached by the club, nor has he visited the region in an individual capacity – not even the water park.

In fact, he has never even worn a wetsuit, except for one zesty Origin bonding session involving David Barnhill and some ice cubes.

Despite this, my sources can certify he has accepted the Panthers role. This was because his was the last face my sources saw on the television as I wrote this piece.

Barrett was considered the perfect man for the job by Penrith’s selection panel after his resume was shown to neatly fit my narrative.

Gould was left with no choice but to poach him after Griffin oversaw two losses, which plummeted the club to the unacceptable depths of the top four.

But despite the temporal complexities, Barrett is already under review by Gould because geez that will make a fabulous back-page splash. We’ll put some flames around his face and make a pun about his style being “Off-Trent”, it’s going to be great.

In good news for me, Penrith’s fabricated churn is set to remain only until a coach ultimately departs due to natural causes, at which point I’ll pee myself because I can write Gould sacked someone for looking tired again.

However, if he promises to be my friend, I shall desist and campaign for his seat on the ARLC Commission and a Nobel Peace Prize, along with Ricky Stuart.

Alternatively, I could campaign for him to replace Greg Inglis for Origin 3, provided Michael Morgan is still unavailable.