Local footy team set to implement 'latte, soy and almond milk exclusion zone' at home games

Long-time followers of the Gungahlin Golden Sun Moths will have noticed an ugly, unwelcome trend this season.

A lot of folks have been showing up to home games with frothed, dairy-free, caffeinated concoctions from the newfangled cafes about town.

Maude and Walter, the Moths’ beloved tea lady and lad, have been deeply hurt both financially and emotionally by the influx of these outside beverages. A quick survey of punters, carried out at Saturday’s game against the Gugong Dugons by yours truly, revealed Moths fans under 30 were responsible for only 20 per cent of the crowd, but 100 per cent of the hot liquid disloyalty.

A clearly shaken Maude confided to me, over a strong (double bagged) mug of Bushells Blue Label at half-time, that “you read about this kind of thing in the paper, #flatwhitesmatter or whatever it is, but we never thought it would come to Gungahlin. We’re being cyber-bullied by the fair traders.”

Walter also weighed in, adding, “when my dad was 20, he fought Hitler with his bare hands, fuelled only by salted meat of indeterminate origin and loose leaf black tea that was mostly trench mud. These kids can’t even fight lactose. Seriously, if one more person hands me a tangerine Keep Cup and asks for an oat milk piccolo, I’ll do my block.”

Moths Club Administrator Dale, who is a regular Bridge partner of Maude’s, reckons this generational shift in tastes is “the thin end of the wedge”. He’s convinced this move away from traditional styrofoam cups of scalding hot earl grey or Nescafe Blend 43 with a few sugars is decadent, self-indulgent and the kind of slippery slope into moral decay that “ultimately ends with a city in flames and women turning into pillars of salt”.

To that end, the Moths will deny entry to any would-be spectators attempting to enter the Harrison Playing Fields on match days carrying a banned beverage. The full list of unwelcome products includes:

∙ Any drink that cost more than $2.75 and isn’t at least 4.5 per cent alcohol
∙ All frothed, dairy or non-dairy, substances served at or above ambient temp
∙ Anything ostentatiously single-source, fair trade or vegan. If it happens by accident, so be it, but if you’ve gone out of your way to make a bloody song and dance about it we’re not having it.