Despite the heightened anxiety around COVID-19, we continue to see a reckless minority of players ignoring the government directive to stay safe and keep their shenanigans out of the cloud.
As we all know, the game was regrettably thrust back into the spotlight this week by the antics of high-profile players Nathan Cleary, Latrell Mitchell, Josh Addo-Carr and the other bloke from Newcastle.
Following investigations, Cleary was found guilty of dancing with women on Anzac Day, while Mitchell and Addo-Carr had ignored lockdown protocol by going on a camping trip, a decision that defied belief considering the circumstances (no Wi-Fi).
Frankly, all should know better. Everybody is aware you never transgress and film your crime, nor break the law in any dwelling occupied by Tyrone May, as the joint is probably rigged up like the Big Brother house.
Put simply, the footage was an eyesore for the game, even despite the stunning filters. Such has been the blowback, the NRL even offered to reinstate Todd Greenberg just for the figurative effigy.
The resulting chaos has been catastrophic, with Phil Gould calling for a full-season ban, and even NSW Deputy Premier John Barilaro agitating for Cleary to be punished for covering up the truth. Do you know how embarrassing that is for the game? To be tut-tutted for lying by a politician?
Worse still, it has dragged rugby league into another losing dogfight with the AFL, with our Victorian rivals upstaging us again with a far greater number of similar embarrassing incidents.
Footballers may think they are above the law, and frankly, they are right. To be honest, if they think otherwise, the NRL won’t register their contract.
However, these are trying times. The game is grappling with an uncertain future, all while frantically re-establishing the competition under a wide range of demands around pay, accommodation and logistics, and that’s just for a meeting in Melbourne with Cameron Smith.
(Photo by Ian Hitchcock/Getty Images)
With the public reacting to the players’ behaviour with sheer indignance (60% of which is suspended), changes must be made where it is most needed – the match review committee.
As per the following, these are the new rules around transgressions designed to meet the evolving customs of our new virus-aware society:
High shot
The high shot remains outlawed, but will now also include the wide shot, the blurry shot and the out-of-focus shot, and any other awful angle on a Skype interview. For examples of offences, call your boomer parents.
Dangerous hold
Any video taken with an intrusive thumb across the lens, and/or footage a player has stored to disseminate without consent.
Chicken wing
Any poorly executed elbow handshake – the spectrum of severity ranges from the ‘daggy dad’ to Les Boyd on Darryl Brohman.
Striking
The current law on punching remains, meaning it is still punishable unless performed by Curtis Scott on Dylan Walker or vice versa. However – you are now permitted to strike an opponent if he’s stolen your toilet paper.
Tripping
What you’ll be branded if you think you can get away with claiming you’ve been hacked.
Mitigation
Charges can be reduced citing a clean record, character referees, or fatigue because it is tiring making multiple attempts for the right shot, whether it be empty cans or a 35-second clip in 16:9. Punishment can also be reduced if you can prove the person in the footage is not you.
For example, Cleary could have plausibly claimed the footage of him dancing was his dad Ivan, based on the identical features and embarrassing dab.
Concussion protocol
An HIA will be conducted if you believe posting content to your ‘family and friends’ includes your OnlyFans account.
Big Daddy
Guest
KK, One politician is one too many. We now have Barilaro, Troy Grant and Mr Personality Graham Annesely working under the beady eyes of V'Landys. If the last one Barcelona Pete is any indication were all doomed.
Eelsalmighty
Roar Rookie
Dane, now that's a creative writing style, from someone with an obviously warped sense of humour (in the nicest possible way), making it a great read. I enjoyed your take, well done.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
KK my dear comrade, would anyone be surprised to see the Sydney spin cycle toss up Barilaro as new CEO? The incestuousness and cannibalism of the scene would render this almost a fair accompli. One thing we can assume, Todd will not apply on account of stacking his capital. He’ll need more than a 30 second video to capture the process. (My attempt at KK prose)
kk
Roar Pro
Hi Dane, The can of worms had been opened. Your take gives it added flavour to make it entertaining and easier to digest. Without individual cast identification it was difficult to assess who was who. Was Nathan first prize in a Tyrone May production for the Only Fans website? Working Title : Touching Elbows. Todd Greenberg was unavailable to play the part of 'punisher'. He was too busy doing his own Tik Tok six hundred and fifty thousand times. A video has come to hand showing that he had scant respect for the 1.5M rule. Penalty: $100K. We were introduced to his successor, Andrew Abdo in an uninspiring pilot. Maybe the braggadocious Johnny Barilaro should apply for the post of CEO. Strewth!