What Robbie Deans said at half time

After watching the test match from Pretoria I was left disappointed that the Wallabies had again failed to make the most of the opportunities they had to notch up a long awaited win at altitude in South Africa.

Most puzzling was their inability to continue to put points on the board in the second half of the match after those wonderful tries in the first half.

After nodding off I soon had the answer, I had a vision of the talk that Robbie Deans’ gave the team at half time. It went like this:

“What the hell are you guys up to? You are not playing to the game plan that we discussed. You are playing as if Australian customs have told you all to expect an internal examination on arrival back in OZ if you lose tonight.

What’s with all the razzle dazzle? You are giving away our game plan for the semi-finals of the World Cup.

Drew, I know that I dropped you the other week, but you are doing enough to stay in the team as long as you don’t again miss any more easy tackles that the press can hound me about, so calm down a bit.

O’Connor, you also need to slow down a bit. You need to get over all that talk last week that you are not really a winger. You have made your point but two tries is just showing off. J.O.N. told me that as long as you keep looking like Justin Bieber you stay in the team because you keep the teenagers watching rugby.

Guys, remember I told you the other day that if South Africa don’t win a couple of Tri Nations games at home they are going to appoint someone who can really coach. If they do that it will stuff up the World Cup for everyone.

So guys, get back out there and play like I told you to.

We need to keep the rugby world asking why we are still ranked as high as number three. Lull those All Blacks into a false sense of security and come the semi-finals of the World Cup you can bring back the razzle dazzle.

Australia can then be the first country to win three world cups and I will have proved once and for all that I am the best coach from Aotearoa”.

I awoke and thought was that for real?

I hope it was because the worrying alternative is that Australia’s finest with an estimated combined payroll that would fund seven or eight NRL teams may only be able to put together 30 minutes of smart, top notch rugby in a game. And when they are put under pressure, they are lacking in composure and the ability to make the most of their opportunities.