AFL guernsey clashes are just a total farce

From what I can gather, there’s really only one core reason why there are uniforms in sport. So you can tell opposing teams apart. 

Simple, right? Wrong. Very wrong.

The AFL fails in this department with depressing regularity. It is a weekly thing now. And it drives me mad.

Since this is my second article in the space of a week on AFL apparel – and the second time I’ve addressed this mess of an issue in as many seasons – I feel I need to make this declaration early: more often than not when I’m thinking about footy, I’m preoccupied with topics other than what the players are wearing.

I enjoy football itself, just so you know.

But sometimes, I don’t like watching it.

Take Monday night, for example. It wasn’t until I knocked off work that I realised West Coast were taking on Richmond on a night of the week when football is rarely, if ever, on the telly.

I was overjoyed at this rare gift from the fixturing gods. It shaped as a potential cracker – and thanks to the time difference with Perth, it doubled as a foolproof method to stop myself from hate-watching Q and A for another week.

I was pumped. Dinner was at the ready. Beer was in hand. Happy days.

But soon, my eyes began to hurt. I knew why. West Coast were in their home guernsey – the one with three vertical panels of gold, white and navy. Richmond wore the only thing they’ve ever worn in my lifetime, with white shorts.

The result was an undistinguishable mish-mash of colours that Picasso would gladly have claimed as his own. It was an abomination.

You couldn’t tell the teams apart. At ball-ups, for instance, it took far more brainpower than it should have to figure out how many players the Eagles and the Tigers had around the stoppage.

Then once they’d start tackling and numbers swelled around the contest… well, forget about it. You actually had to work out for a second in your mind what you were looking for to distinguish the teams.

Nobody should have to work when they watch the footy. So in resigned frustration at the AFL’s lack of clarity and action on this persistent issue – and as my interest in the match itself waned – I changed the channel.

There was rugby league on as well. Brisbane were getting flogged by the Warriors.

It wasn’t pretty, but at least I could figure out what was happening quickly enough so I could enjoy it.

Brisbane wore maroon and gold, New Zealand wore white. No dramas.

But with this game and the shambles at Subiaco only a few remote control clicks apart, it dawned on me just how hardcore a cock-up this is from the AFL.

It’s pathetic that this even needs to be said. But fans deserve better. It makes an incredible difference to the viewing experience.

Clubs deserve better, too. Some of them, anyway. Some others need to be brought back in line.

Richmond’s stubborn refusal to adopt a proper clash jumper was the reason for the clash on Monday night in the first place. They should be made to wear something that solves the problem, not one that cements it.

But they get let off the leash, inexplicably. Most of the rich Melbourne clubs – the Tigers, Essendon and Collingwood most notably – simply refuse to abide by what is a poorly-enforced rule.

And they get away with it.

Not that anyone knows what the rules are anymore. For all the talk about ‘light’ and ‘dark’ colours, nobody can say for sure why the AFL makes the decisions that it does in this realm.

Why was Collingwood forced to wear a jersey with one less stripe on it to supposedly dodge a clash with North Melbourne in one season, but not this season?

Why is GWS made to don white away from home when there is no clash to avoid? How that can happen on one hand, while on the other a club like Richmond can selfishly defend their ‘tradition’ of wearing exactly what they want at all times at the expense of fan enjoyment?

Why did the AFL approve Essendon’s putrid grey clash guernsey when it actually makes clashes worse?

Why did the league make Hawthorn wear a white clash guernsey against Carlton two years ago, but let them pull on their new gold-on-brown design against another team that wears a similarly dark jumper, Melbourne?

There are hundreds of questions you could ask, and all the answers are contradictory. It comes down to the AFL, which has always been sheepish on the issue of guernsey clashes.

Just put the foot down already. Things like Monday night should never happen in a league this professional and sophisticated. And it is unjust that some guernseys are more equal than others.

If, like the case of the Paddlepop Lion last week, this all seems very trivial to you, then congratulations on your superhuman vision. You’re one of the lucky ones.

Mere mortals like myself are banging our heads against the wall trying to figure out why the AFL won’t listen.

The longer it continues, the more likely that the average punter will do as I did on Monday night and just give up.