There are times when I wish that James Sutherland would take a quick look at his business card. If he did, he would notice that it says “James Sutherland, chief executive officer, Cricket Australia”.
It’s the last word of that title that I’d quite like James to focus on: Australia. As in, this nation right here. Down under. The Great Southern Land. The sunburnt country. Northwest New Zealand.
Mr Sutherland has been tasked with the curation of Australia’s cricketing fortunes, but judging by this story, someone needs to inform him of the fact, because he doesn’t seem to have noticed.
Apparently he has “taken the moral high ground” in declaring that Australia would not be ordering its groundsmen to doctor the pitches to suit the home team in this Ashes series. Which is all very noble and admirable of him, and will no doubt earn the Australian team the prestigious Moral High Ground Cup at the end of the series.
What’s that? There is no Moral High Ground Cup? Oh that’s right!
This is one of those series where you can only win by, you know, winning!
And winning means doing whatever it takes to get an advantage on the hated enemy. I’m not saying we should cheat, I’m just begging that we don’t take cheating completely off the table so early in the process.
Have an open mind, for god’s sake.
As we saw in England earlier this year, Australia’s opposition has no qualms about doctoring pitches, or staying in the middle after smashing the ball straight to slip, or being mean to nice young men about to reach a century, or just generally being irritating people.
And it worked! They won, so why can’t we learn from their example?
When the West Indians kept thrashing us in the 80s, nobody decided that having numerous terrifying fast bowlers and devastatingly aggressive batting geniuses was unsportsmanlike: why then, when England thrashes us, do we decide that preparing pitches to suit ourselves is?
I beseech Sutherland and Cricket Australia to reconsider, and give very serious thought to a program of pitch-doctoring to neuter the Poms and boost the baggy greens this summer.
Now obviously it’s not as simple as that. If we prepare spinning pitches, that plays into Graeme Swann’s hands.
And if we prepare seaming pitches, that plays into Stuart Broad and James Anderson’s hands.
And if we prepare flawless batting pitches, that plays into all their batsmen’s hands.
So we need to think outside the box here, to find a way to prepare pitches that can completely avoid the risk of hand-playing-into.
Here are some free suggestions, I offer to Mr Sutherland:
Bumpers
Bowling alleys provide the option of having bumper rails rise up at the side of the lane so that younger bowlers can have a go without fearing gutter balls.
Why not install a similar system in cricket pitches, allowing fences to rise at the pitch’s edge when Australia is bowling? Imagine how lethal Mitchell Johnson will be when he fires a wild wide down legside, only to have it ricochet viciously back into Kevin Pietersen’s groin!
Wombats
Why not embrace our natural heritage and incorporate our unique native wildlife into our sporting culture, by installing a series of wombat burrows in our Test pitches?
England’s finest will find it hard to keep their minds on the job with these mischievous furry pals wandering out of their holes just short of a length! (Note: can also be adapted to include bandicoots, echidnas and so on).
Rubber
I think it was WG Grace who first said, “Rubber is the great equaliser”, and gosh he was right. England’s much-vaunted “skills” won’t look so impressive when they have to bat on pitches made entirely of rubber.
Watch that Kookaburra fly!
Grease
This innovation will be very useful for Australian batsmen: when an Australian innings starts, the groundsmen will simply spread a thick layer of grease on the bowler’s landing zone, causing each England bowler to slip and fall and hopefully tear vital muscles when they try to deliver the ball.
Breathe a sigh of relief, Watto – they can’t get you leg-before when they’re lying on the ground screaming in pain!
Spikes
Basically,this is where you have motorised spikes that rise up and stick into England players’ feet.
Feel free to add your own suggestions, James, but for the love of God, man: let’s start competing!
rajendra prasad
Roar Rookie
Well said.
Bearfax
Guest
How about ensuring that you just give confidence to your up and comers so they feel they belong on the grand stage. If anything that Hughes double century today showed, it is that with the pressure off, this kid is easily one of the very cream of Australia's batsmen. Its not so much technical issues with this kid. Its confidence. Knowing that he didnt have to watch careful every shot he made he just went out and did his job with the talent we should all recognise is there. No fluke that he scored a double century with the pressure off and I expected it would happen during the Shield season.. Meanwhile a couple of other up and comers such as Silk, Lehman, Heads, Maddinson, Lynn, Wade, Khawaja and Paine (Klinger also deserves mention here) have started to show the rest of the players out there that they are the ones who we should be looking at for test positions and not the 30 something group. Bailey for the third time is out for about 30-42. If this had been Hughes he would have been dropped and castigated by the media
Clavers
Guest
Mmmmmm .... "savage later deviation?" Sounds like a formula for a good time on Saturday night ;)
Richard
Guest
You make noises like a Kiwi.. :>}}
Will
Guest
Thanks Brendon. Clearly I should have written "ha" next to my comment too...
Brendon the 1st
Guest
What about cloud spiking? They did it for the Olympics in Beijing. We're 8 down on day three, me and my mates, after some refreshments man our home made "spiking" cannon aka, some PVC pipe and a s*#t load of chlorine, and KABLOW! It's raining and my mate has lost his drinking arm, thus making his Kidney's much healthier......everyone wins
Brendon the 1st
Guest
I think you will find that Will is referencing Ben's last article
Bigjohn
Guest
I believe that the only word printed on James Sutherland's business card, is ' overpaid '
Fivehole
Guest
Judging by the comment above i think you can include Will's parents in that too
josh
Roar Rookie
Bring back Bodyline.
rajendra prasad
Roar Rookie
Mate,if aus actually manage to win the ashes ,all this counts for nothing.the team needs support from the fans.when a team is struggling you have to support them.not ridicule them.
abigail
Guest
Rigging the toss would be a good start. We need every advantage we can get. Sacrifice something to the fickle weather gods. It would be nice if they could send down buckets of rain any time we get into trouble. England would then feel the frustration of being in a winning position only to have the opportunity snatched from their grasp by rain or bad light. Whenever England are fielding it should be mandatory that the temperature soar above 40 degrees. Perhaps throw in a catering strike so that they are forced to chow down on pies and mushy pies instead of the gourmet menu they have requested. Professional sports people might be educated on how to face the big challenges but the nitpicking, irrational and frustrating small stuff can drive them barmy. (Look how Michael Clarke reacted when the Auusie team song was sung later than he wanted.)
Will Sinclair
Roar Guru
That's gold.
James
Guest
the spikes would also work by forcing watson to not run, lehmann could be up in the stands and everytime watson looks like he wants to run his batting partner out BAM out come the spikes to hold watson in place.
Chui
Guest
I just wish KP's parents had considered rubber,
ChrisUK
Guest
That would be even more effective if we'd chosen any Welsh players.
Will
Guest
Hang on, is this serious? there's no 'Ha" at the top of the page so it's hard to be sure. This website is so confusing...
Kris Swales
Expert
A beer snake running the entire circumference of the ground five metres in from the boundary rope. Not only would it keep the Poms running between the wickets all day, but Guinness World Records fame is assured! I think all spectators should also be given their own wombat on arrival.
Andrew
Guest
Sheep. We've got billions of them, let's use them. Ditch all the hi tech solutions for cutting the grass on the pitch (ie lawnmowers), and revert to the traditional one - a mob of sheep fenced in on the centre square to mow the grass and compact the soil. Even the most pedestrian trundler can get the ball to move sharply off the deck if it hits a pile of dry sheep droppings on landing, which will give England's clinical, talented batsmen all sorts of headaches. Our batsmen on the other hand are used to playing aggresively at the ball based on nothing but a hunch as to where it might be heading, so if anything a bit of savage late deviation will help.
Will Sinclair
Roar Guru
It might be best to make a pre-emptive attack and just pour a bucket of urine all over Stuart Broad. I have no idea whether this will help us win, but I think we all like the idea of seeing Stuart Broad soaked in urine, don't we. In fact, some would say it's appropriate, seeing as he's such a total xxxx.