To those fortunate enough to be apathetic about the final outcomes of NRL games, I would like you to do something for me.
Please chug a foaming schooner of H2O from the Ganges and then embark on a seven-day pushbike ride across the desert without any Alka-Seltzer or Imodium. Make sure you’re wedgied from head-to-toe with spandex and that you stop halfway to reluctantly part with $20 to a smarmy workplace colleague.
If you make it back alive, you will have experienced the same discomfort levels endured by ambitious rugby league tipsters in 2014.
Sure, I acknowledge that tipping winners in the NRL has always mirrored dysentery, especially in the salary cap era where the competition is as even as an Edrick Lee flat-top. I also recognise that 2014 is still but a little baby prone to the whimsies of its first tender days.
However, even with such allowances, the results so far in 2014 are still wrong on so many levels.
The first five rounds has been a volatile churn of unpredictability that has wickedly tormented our aspirations like some omnipotent strain of satanic vindaloo’s revenge. Anxious guts and cold sweats are plaguing the vast majority of the eastern seaboard as events as simple as smartphone tipping reminders trigger widespread upchuck.
It seems that the steady guiding markers of yesteryear are gone. There’s no more security with home teams, credible clubs that are ‘due’ or Melbourne.
What seems right, reliable and Souths is a merciless booby trap. What seems wrong, unbackable and St George is an evil smokescreen.
Meanwhile, the top of the leaderboard becomes flooded with bunkum artists, shady racetrack figures and internet bots, the types who feign fandom by making their selections on stable guidelines like jersey colour and bun tightness and not the usual blood and sweat of six hours of Big League absorption that the true fan endures.
So if you’re like me and you’re languishing in Cronulla territory on the workplace order of merit – and let’s face it, you probably are – then you’ve probably had a gutful up to the ears.
Let’s face it; it’s a bloody long season and that workplace Homer Simpson chipping away at your Frank Grimes league ego WILL eventually compel you to go postal, so the time for drastic measures is now.
So what do we do?
Well, there’s no pens or computers in jail, so we still want to keep the whole caper legally compliant. That rules out a quick coffee fix with Ryan Tandy at the Berkeley Vale TAB.
Well what about the Grays Sports Almanac I hear you say?
Unfortunately, the Hill Valley publishers from the fake 2015 weren’t able to confirm if another edition of the results book could be printed, or more importantly, if it’s actually a thing.
OK, so those ideas are lazy, fictional and incriminating. It leaves only one other obvious option, and that’s the magic of classic situation comedy.
People, the guidance we crave lies in the ideologies of George Costanza.
When the short, stocky, bald man hit rock bottom in Seinfeld, he slung a change-up of mammoth proportions by deciding to completely ignore every urge towards common sense and good judgment he had from that day forth. It became his religion, and it worked right up until the end of the episode.
Now that we too are desperate losers much like Costanza – some might say the tipping universe’s unemployed who live with their parents – we too must ignore all of our best decision-making instincts and go totally reverse on our prognostications for at least 22 minutes plus ad breaks.
What do we have to lose besides $20 and face?
Just at least give it a go in Round 6. Satisfaction or your money back. (Not a guarantee.)
The Roosters wuz robbed and Sonny Bill Williams returns. The Dogs are specials.
Brisbane on a Friday night? Running hot and playing last year’s spooners? Plonk on Parra.
The Storm at home with a returning Cam Smith. The Titans in their garish travel strip. Tick one up for the GC.
Cronulla down to skeleton staff and winless. Sharks! (Warning: take the draw.)
Get the drift? If it’s right, it’s wrong!
Lepers of the ladder, we must put a stop to this illness that is controlling our lives, so become master of your domain today by taking the Costanza approach to tipping!
(The Costanza approach is also highly recommended when agreeing with the advice contained in this article.)
You can catch Dane on Twitter: @eld2_0
The eye
Guest
Dane..this method really works ! We are all going to be rich !! You are a genius !
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Of course it's reliable. It's religion!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
It's a disgrace. Those types should be consigned to office bingo or the AFL tipping comp along with the bots.
Sam Brown
Roar Guru
This article understands my pain. Thankyou. In my office comp, which I have to try and run, the intern who picks 'the animals she thinks are cutest' is coming second to a guy who purposely trolls us by picking solely upsets. The only gent sitting below me is a die hard who was top 500 in Super Coach last year.
Squidward
Roar Rookie
2/2 using Costanza method
Passionate_Aussie
Roar Rookie
0/2 to start the round
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Heeelloo Newman. The slop at Yankee Stadium shall be taken in to account.
Newman
Guest
Don't forget to factor in the rain and that Souths v St George is going to be on the SCG following the baseball game...
Dane Eldridge
Expert
All resulting in a 103% reduction in my bank account balance. (Yeah, apparently you can overdraw to gamble nowadays.) Top stats, Scott. It's the madness quantified.
ScottWoodward.me
Roar Guru
Only 40% favs have won in 2014 and given we have had many teams <1.5 that figure is stunning. 13 favs have won and 19 2nd favs and if you add the points start it is even more lopsides with 26, 2nd favs winning or 81%
Casey Novak
Roar Rookie
Haha as much as id love to get into the Costanza Spirit, my inner self will kick me if i dont tip with my head!! Ill probably go duck egg this week haha
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Something has to happen for Parra after 21 away losses. Probably another loss, I'd say.
planko
Roar Guru
Parramatta and Dogie double is paying well tonight ...
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Giddy up!
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Haha no worries Tipping will be on my airing of grievances this year at Festivus around the aluminium pole
Dane Eldridge
Expert
I'm praying that someone scores a Seven in the spirit of Costanza.
Sean
Guest
I'm 14/32 and dreading this round.
Dogs Of War
Roar Guru
Having read your season guide I'm not surprised :D
Passionate_Aussie
Roar Rookie
Does it annoy you that Spongebob has 24/32 :P
Passionate_Aussie
Roar Rookie
I completely missed Rd 2, so the competition that I'm in I got the lowest score, otherwise my tips would be 15/24. But as it stands I am 15/32.