The part-timer's guide to the 2014 World Cup

Let’s face it, every four years a lot of us suddenly become interested in swimming, athletics, sailing, equestrian, shooting and a few other sports that Australians seem to do particularly well in. It’s called the Olympic Games.

It stands to reason that – and I know this will come as a shock to many – the World Cup will pull in audiences who are not quite as fanatical about football as a lot of us but love a big event.

There is no bigger event than the World Cup, so for those of you who are keen to take in the delights of Brazil 2014, perhaps this might serve as a guide to the next month.

Yes, you read right – this carnival goes for a month folks, none of this fit-it-all-into-two-weeks stuff.

Oh, and if you are already a true believer, read on as well and tell me if I’ve missed anything for our eager-eyed potential converts.

Foz and Les
You’ll get to know these guys intimately by mid-July, as you’ll be spending some odd hours with them. Craig ‘Foz’ Foster is the ultimate devotee of the “beautiful game” and a polarising figure to be sure.

He is sometimes liable to really crazy suggestions in the heat of the moment, such as suggesting that the Socceroos in 2010 overthrow then-coach Pim Verbeek after a disastrous 4-0 loss to Germany and self-manage for the rest of the tournament.

If Australia’s opening game against Chile follows a similar path, watch out for fireworks. Foz and current coach Ange Postecoglou are not exactly best of mates. Type Postecoglou versus Foster into your search engine for evidence of that, however there is no denying Foz’s passion for the game.

Just watch and listen to his commentary during that famous penalty shootout in the 2005 qualifier against Uruguay when Foz just completely loses it and celebrates like a lunatic with a microphone in his hand. It is wonderful stuff.

Les is Lazlo Urge but for 34 years we’ve known and loved him as Les Murray – the voice of SBS. Les can pronounce the name of every player at this World Cup and make it sound as smooth as honey dripping off your morning teaspoon.

He’s hanging up the lapel mike after this World Cup and televised sport will be all the poorer for it. He’s even had a song named in his honour – TISM’s “What Nationality is Les Murray?” Total legend.

Harps and Simon
Over in Pay-TV land, Andy Harper and Simon Hill will be the guys you’ll get most acquainted with. Harps is the guy with the high school teacher’s vocabulary (he is a high school teacher after all) and an ability to talk underwater and still make sense to the everyday follower. He’s also a big unit and will look after himself just fine on the mean streets of Rio, given his days as a striker in the rough-and-tumble of the old National Soccer League.

More churlish male fans sometimes refer to Simon Hill as Mrs Stephanie Brantz, but that’s just petty jealousy as Simon is likely to be voted most likeable and popular Pom in Australian football. An absolutely top bloke, it’s kind of a shame he won’t be doing any of the commentary for the Socceroos games given SBS have the rights. By the way, new fans, Martin Tyler will be doing a lot of the games and he’s just about the best there is in the English-speaking world so fear not.

If Simon seems to be grinning widely for most of the tournament, it’s because he’s a Manchester City fan and quite apart from being champions of England, they also now own an A-League club.

Okay, so what about on the field? Well, watching the Socceroos games is a given but there are handy gems to be found everywhere. And just as an aside, assuming you’re here on the East Coast of Australia and not dancing the Samba on a Brazilian beach, game times are 2.00am, 5.00am and 8.00am for the most part in the group stages.

Brazil versus Croatia, Friday 13/6 6.00am
The first game – straight after the opening ceremony, and the warmish breeze you’ll feel is the collective breathing out of Brazilian breath after waiting so long for this moment to happen.

Given the protests, you could be forgiven for thinking that Brazilians don’t like football at all. Nothing could be further from the truth, but like a lot of nations, they are a people who don’t like their government promising things and then not delivering (mmm…).

Watch Brazil closely, especially Neymar, they will be the Socceroos likely opponents in the second round.

England versus Italy, Sunday 15/6 8.00am
Look, no sleep deprivation yet! Group D, or the ‘other group of death’ sees three former World Champions drawn together with the might of Costa Rica. In a cruel joke, this match is scheduled in Manaus, in other words the middle of the Amazon,

Many expect the English to melt by the 60th minute, except for Steven Gerrard, who is made of granite. Wayne Rooney will probably do something silly and get sent off, the Italians may park a bus (a football term you want to avoid) but this is a highlight game from the group phase.

Ivory Coast versus Japan, Sunday 15/6 11.00am
How about this for a sleep-friendly kick off time? But there are more reasons for tuning into this clash between Asia’s best team and Africa’s second-best.

Japan are now the Socceroos great rivals. If the Socceroos are to go all the way in next year’s Asian Cup (new fans – that’s a very big deal, and the tournament is being held here in Australia next January) they’re sure to run up against the Blue Samurai.

As for the Ivory Coast, look out for Yaya Toure, arguably the best midfielder in last season’s English Premier League, who threatened to leave his premiership-winning club Manchester City because they forgot to wish him a happy birthday.

Switzerland versus Ecuador, Monday 16/6 2.00am
Watching this game will prove yourself to football friends as someone, to steal a phrase from another code, who is willing to put in the hard yards. Sleep-wise, it’s been pretty good until now but welcome to the dilemma of the fan.

A 2.00am kick off means you’ve either got to get to bed very early on Sunday night and set the alarm, or rely on a lot of caffeine to take you into a sleep-deprived Monday morning where you’ll feel like hell and will be counting red cards behind tired eyes at work. Choosing a game that might otherwise not present too many focal points for the newer fan, these two sides are an example of the breadth of the world game.

Vast opposites in climate, geography and playing style, watch out for Swiss striker Haris Seferovic who plies his regular trade in the Spanish La Liga, and Ecuador’s speedy winger Antonio Valencia, who does still play for Manchester United, even if former manager David Moyes tended to forget that a lot last season.

Argentina versus Iran, Sunday 22/6 2.00am
This game is included in your schedule for two reasons. The first is the chance to see the best player on the planet do his stuff – Argentina’s Lionel Messi. The second is that this brings together two sides who knocked Australia out of contention for the World Cup in 1994 and 1998. A word of caution: if you are a little new to the cause, do not mention Iran to any of your Socceroo-loving friends.

Belgium versus Russian, Monday 23/6 2.00am
You’re battle-hardened now and 2 o’clock starts are a piece of cake (and a strong coffee). Every World Cup sees the emergence of a nation who, despite not being a previous winner, has the ability to really go deep into the tournament.

Belgium is that team in 2014, according to many. Watch for Belgium’s Eden Hazard and Romelu Lukaku to cause grief to the Russian defence. They started the last domestic season as team mates but Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has an aversion to playing with strikers and so Lukaku got loaned to Everton. And scored a lot of goals.

Portugal versus Ghana and USA versus Germany, Friday 27/6, 2.00am
The last round of group games are played at the same time to avoid the kind of shenanigans that occurred in 1982, when West Germany and Austria conspired to play a farcical game that the Germans won 1-0, thus ensuring both nations progressed to the second round at the expense of Algeria, who had caused one of the greatest shocks in finals history by beating West Germany 3-1 earlier in their group.

You thus get to channel-surf for the last round and this is the other really tough group, with three of the quarter finalists from the 2010 World Cup, as well as the strong USA side.

Their game against Germany will also be of special interest as German legend, World Cup winner and long-term California resident Jurgen Klinsmann will be coaching the USA against his country of birth.

This will take you through to the knockout phases of the tournament where the fun really starts. I’ll get back to you on hints for that, but an early hint is factor in less sleep and later work arrivals – extra time and penalties await you!

Welcome to the big event!