On a cold night way back in 2008, the men gathered in the underbelly of Ballymore. Under the swinging lamp the powerbrokers had converged to right the wrongs of their beloved sport, rugby union.
“Well, the way I see it, we have two problems,” he held up two fingers for added emphasis, “We aren’t winning” he lowered one “and we ain’t makin’ no money.” The group murmured in approval.
He went on to state “We need a change!” The chorus responded affirmatively, shouts of ‘hear hear’, ‘aye’ and ‘when is dinner going to be served?’ filled the room.
A second speaker took over “I agree, it’s time to bite the bullet, look at the Kiwis and Saffas, one just won the World Cup, and the other is going on about having $70 million in the war chest. What about us eh? Eliminated in the quarter final and just over $5 million, in the bank.”
“Yeah, but remember the exchange rate mate, that’s what, about 60 million Australian.” The new speaker quickly held his hands up in a placating gesture “I’m just saying.” ‘And the ref was rubbish’ he trailed off.
The second speaker rolled his eyes and continued “The point is, we are not doing well, something needs to change.” He thumped his fist hard down on the table to emphasise his point. “Well, cut the bloody ARC, it’s a black hole for money.”
A voice from the back suggests “No, we need that, we are lacking at the top level.”
A halting noise interrupts him from the back of the room as a shadowy figure rakes his nails down a chalkboard. The gathering turns to look on this newcomer.
“I’ll fix your rugby for you.” He waits, he lets the tension build. “But it’ll need men of courage, foresight and strength of will.” He was buttering them up, but they seemed not to mind. “For a price…” A smile across his face.
Silence greeted him, so he took this as his cue to begin.
“See, the problem here is that the other nations have these nice internal competitions…”an interruption “We know this, we’ve just put our own one into place, I don’t need to listen to this.” The man turns to walk off. “Yes, I see how well it did last year.”
It is a sore point, he stops in his tracks. “Look, you’ve got two options, you can sink a lot of resources into getting this ARC up and running, it will take many years, you’ll have to cut spending in the meantime and you’ll get your wins and money… But supposing there was a problem with the other unions, why, you might find yourself on a level playing field much faster than you think.” An incredulous silence greets him again.
“What?”
“Sure, if you’re willing. This is how you do it. You nice lads here, you’re going to go to the other countries and say you’ve got this deal for them. Very polite like, but you go and tell them how much money it’ll save them by playing more games at home, more derbies, good for the crowds see, and good for you fine gentleman in the short term. But down the road is where it really gets interesting. See, what’ll happen is it will devalue their leagues and put you into a stronger position…”
“Let me get this straight. You want us to stuff up Super Rugby? How does this help our situation?” murmurs echo around the room.
“Well, I would’ve thought anyone as smart as you could work that one out. When Super Rugby starts disintegrating, becoming ever more complicated, the time will be ripe, the sport will be in real trouble. Awaiting a hero, and sick of this new bogus comp, you’ll come in and save the day with this new whiz bang ARC.”
“Are you kidding, we’ll be strung up if we try that!” It is a half outrage this time, many are undecided. They reserve their judgement. The shadowy stranger begins again.
“This ‘conference’ system see, it’ll take away your partners biggest strength, devalue their local competitions, bring everyone down to the same level.”
Silence greets his last remark, the sidelong glances from the powerbrokers slowly become steely nods of agreement.
“How are we ever going to get the other unions to agree to this?” One asks. “Oh I’m sure you resourceful gentleman could find something in this very room to help make their minds up for them…”
The shadowy figure stepped lightly to the side to reveal…. a sack, literally stuffed with money. “You mentioned a price?”
“Oh, just a small thing really, just the TV rights.”
Never attribute to malice that which can easily be attributed to stupidity.
fredstone
Guest
That would make shadowman an ANC cadre and that's just not going to cut the mustard because ANC cadres are just not that clever. They may be corrupt, but they ain't clever and there schemes and explanations wouldn't fool an educated 12 year old.
JamestheElder
Guest
“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you” ― Joseph Heller, Catch-22
:D
Dru
Guest
Damn, there goes another perfectly good conspiracy.
30 mm Tags
Guest
Nek Minnut, well thought out. I for one agree with you. Bill Pulver is showing leadership , making progress and working for the benefit of Australian Rugby.
We can read it ;) NO need to add anything really ;)
Dru
Guest
Strangely enough, while this conspiracy is being peddled by Saffers on just about every topic that comes up on Roar, weirdly quiet here. Editors, you haven't disabled this story to Africa have you!?! (Another conspiracy arises)
Cadfael
Roar Guru
As Baldrick would say "What a cunning plan".
Andrew Kennard
Roar Pro
Maybe, the best part of a good conspiracy theory is that any evidence that refutes your claim can be passed off as having been put there to test you. You seem to have the plot down right there, I like the idea about the number of teams equating to victory. I imagine the 2050 Super rugby, with SA looking to add it's 15th, 16th and 17th teams...
Rebel
Guest
As the Joker said, why so serious. It's satire. I think most people appreciate the difficulties the ARU face, but we can still have a laugh. I'm just wondering if Shadowman is running the Sydney Villains.
Andrew Kennard
Roar Pro
I actually wasn't trying to have a go at the ARU here. I can't begin to imagine all the different factors in running super rugby/rugby in Australia. I came upon the idea watching some conspiracy rubbish on foxtel, so decided to just write a bit of fluff and see where it goes. I'm really looking forward to the NRC, I think it is a great way for a third tier comp to exist in Australia.
Daws
Guest
Best reply I've seen in a while. Maybe an article is in order?
Two Eyed Cyclop
Roar Guru
was it broken when it was a S12? I beg to differ.
Garth
Guest
SR18 would make more sense if there were TWO Argentine sides, forget Japan & Singapore, and if there were two pools of eight, drawn from all four nations, that play each other once. Top 2 sides from each pool into the semis, then a final. No cross pool games and the pools get redrawn for the next season.
Garth
Guest
Wasn't by Chris Rattue or Mark Reason was it?
Garth
Guest
Because Australia still doesn't have a domestic competition worthy of the name. The NRC has yet to start. South Africa has it's own ongoing issues to deal with, and New Zealand decided to go for it's five team franchise system to prevent the big provinces syphoning off all the talent & cash from the smaller provinces.
Nek Minnut
Guest
It is no surprise that people love this. Instead of acknowledging the difficulties that the ARU must overcome in Australia and how much of what theyve done or are doing is good it is much easier to picture them as bumbling baffoons that cant manage to dress by themselves in the morning. I just dont see how it is productive to constently moan about every ARU admin and everything they do as if its easy and they just dont see it. It isnt easy and those that think they can do better are the ones that just cant see it. You have the ARU, SARU and NZRU that are all concerned with the success of Australian rugby and their highly paid professionals dont seem to be able to grasp what a bunch of posters on the Roar can see even though those posters have no access to studies and planning structures or the skills and experience needed to run an organisation. Super Rugby and Australian rugby in particular isnt this massively successfull biz that SANAR and the ARU have run into the ground. It is struggling and fighting a losing battle to stay relevant. The ARU cant keep its biggest stars in Aus and it looks like Cooper, Folau, Beale, Genia and a few others will be leaving and this is with the added incentive of lucrative ARU top ups. Yet people suggest that they should allow foreign based players to play for Australia whilst moaning about the ARUs lack of concern about the domestic and club comps. Do you think they want those players to remain in Aus for the club comps or the Wallabies? The answer is both, with less and less big players remaining in Aus the teams will not be as good and the crowds will drop which puts a burden on the ARU and SANZAR. Australia is struggling with stars like Folau in the Super comp let alone without them. You can see what stars and winning means to Australian crowds in QLD and now in NSW. Pulver needed to do a few things, he needed to insure an attractive running game for both club and country and he has done that with most Australian teams employing an attractive style with the exception of a few Brumbies games. He gets a big tick there considering his choice of Ewen as Wallabies ciach and their attacking intent of late. He needed to ensure that the biggest market in Aus was doing well, the Tahs needed to win and look good doing it. Im not sure how much of this was Pulver but its going along nicely so he gets a tick there. After the last failed attempt at a national comp Pulver and the ARU needed to come up with a comp that was affordable and sustainable and although the proof will be in the pudding, the ARU has come up with the ARC. He gets a tick there too. Then there was the Super Rugby problem where players from every level were leaving for bigger money overseas along with our top coaches and the loss of players and Australia not making money from it needed to addressed and the most important thing to consider was revenue and the insurance of that revenue and this is what theyve come up with. It doesnt seem to make sense because we dont know why theyve done it exactly but be rest assured, the growth of revenue is what is guiding these decisions because in SANZAR and the SH we do not lack talent, we do not lack the mentors for that talent but we do lack the money needed to keep that talent here and to create or keep the structures in place for a viable comp that will remain relevant into the future.
Whakatane
Guest
Haha nice :)
Nek Minnut
Guest
Well it was broken, we are losing our players, we are losing our coaches, the ARU isnt making any money from it, the travel was an unfair burden on SA sides and it must do something to survive or go down the drain.
Two Eyed Cyclop
Roar Guru
Ha ha, got on to Wiki to find him.