I am going to come clean. I used to be homophobic. Not in a hatred sense, but in the colloquial manner, where you don’t realise your subconscious is doing the discriminating.
I would call someone a poof for doing something soft.
So casually do we attribute being a loser, weak, or wrong to homosexuality. We don’t even bat an eyelid. That’s a gay decision, ref. Stop being a homo and hit the bloke. I have done it. We have all done it. There are not many blokes involved in any of the football codes who can claim they are innocent of the same crime.
In fact, findings from the preliminary findings from the “Out on the fields” study into sport and homophobia showed that 74 percent of straight people had witnessed homophobia in a sporting context. Even worse, 25 percent of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals admitted that they were targeted personally. It needs to change.
For me, the change came when our rugby team came up against the Footscray Chargers, now playing in the Bingham Cup as Melbourne Chargers.
In the weeks leading up to the game, the average comment was the classy, “watch out for your arse in the scrums.” It was at fever pitch on the morning of the game.
The game itself was a bit of a thrashing. There were obviously quite a few Footscray boys who had not played before. Without trying to speak for them, I’m guessing having nowhere they would feel comfortable enough socially to play rugby probably has something to do with it.
The game was good and clean, but uneven. We then, as we do every team, invited them back to our sponsors’ pub for a post-match celebration. The Chargers were fun, social, and had a go at the boat race. They stuck around way longer than most teams. The homophobic that I didn’t know I had in me lost a bit more grip.
The breaking point come a weekend or two later. Instead of getting rid of the homophobia after the game, we had simply gone back to casual mode, but I think we convinced ourselves it was ok by excusing the Chargers from it.
A week after the chargers game, we were back at the pub, having a beer on a Saturday night as usual. One of our players summoned the rest of the leadership group and me to the smoking area. He came out to us. He was gay.
My heart sank almost as low as my stomach had dropped. Not only from the guilt I had felt, having put him through weeks of torture, but also the amazing bravery to come out to his own tormentors. He was shaking. We were silent. Then someone asked, “you’re still playing though, right?”
Ever since then, I have been so much more careful about what I say. Calling someone a poof, or saying something’s gay, it actually affects people who live beyond our own little straight, testosterone fuelled bubbles. They are good people. They play sport. That should be the only qualities needed to join a club, right?
This would never have happened to me if it weren’t for the Chargers. I realised you can be a heterosexual man in that environment without having to be homophobic. So good luck to all the teams who participated in the Bingham Cup (particularly the Chargers), hopefully, one day, you won’t need your own tournament to play rugby.
Cameron Muhic
Guest
Kent, I guess I probably won't be able to explain this to you in a way that makes sense to you. And in a way I'm glad you don't understand because it probably means you have been able to go through life without ever feeling different and wondering if there might be something wrong with you. Hopefully you were able to fit right in with the "jocks" in school and never think anything about it. It was different for a lot of our guys. In many cases we're not even talking about people coming out to others as gay. In fact a lot of our guys hid the fact from everyone because they weren't even sure they were gay. All they knew was that they had strange feelings for the same sex, or sometimes both sexes,and the one thing they knew for certain was that if people thought they were different then they would be made to suffer for being different. Especially here in the South and Southwest. The area called "The Bible Belt" in the United States. Guys (and girls) grow up being told by their church that they are wicked, evil and sinful for being different. That they must marry and have children and that being gay or bi is an abomination against God and that they would go to hell for being an instrument of the Devil. Not to mention hearing their friends and family talk about how gays are evil and should be put to death. Down here people are still thrown out of the house and disowned by their families for being gay. Or even being perceived as being gay. Because obviously if someone looks and acts a little effeminate they must be gay. Many of our guys were afraid to play on sports teams because they were afraid their teammates would somehow figure out they were different and that they would be ostracized or beaten up because they weren't "normal". So they didn't play sports. And that was the kind of guy we were trying to attract. We wanted to tell people that our team was different--that it didn't matter if they were gay, bi, or straight. It didn't even matter if they were pretty nonathletic. We would welcome everyone and try to teach anyone to play who wanted to learn the game. And that's the primary purpose of the gay teams. But if we'd advertised ourselves as just a beginners club then a lot of our guys wouldn't know it was safe to come play for us. That we specifically wouldn't judge and that they didn't have to worry about being, or being perceived as not being, the same as everyone else on the team. And the reason for the Bingham Cup is to gather together like-minded teams for a while and let everyone enjoy playing the game against other guys who were mostly just as terrible at the game as everyone else in the league. Remember that Rugby Union is not a game most guys grow up playing here in the US--as is proven by the fact that we've had our tails handed to us for the last few tournaments by Australian guys who have grown up playing the game! But we keep playing and hoping that one of these days we'll get good enough to challenge you guys and win. You'll probably be surprised that I agree with you that I don't think its anyone else's business what goes on in the privacy of my own home. And I'm sure you'd be glad to know that I wouldn't tell you if I am gay, bi or straight unless you asked me a question that required my telling you. I can find any number of ways to avoid mentioning the person I'm dating or partnered with. But there are other people out there who decide to be brave. To risk it all and admit they're different. They see it as a form of bravery to be upfront about it. And considering what can happen to them they ARE being brave A lot of states in the US don't have any protection for people who are gay. They can lose their jobs if their boss wants to fire them. All it takes is for them to be seen shopping, or eating out, or living together with a same-sex partner--or even just for their boss to think they might be gay. In 18 states, including almost the entire South and much of the central Western states they can fire you for being gay and there is nothing you can do about it. But by telling people they're gay they can avoid some of that. Obviously a boss won't hire you if he doesn't like gay people and you tell him you're gay. But bosses rarely come out at the front and say "I don't like gays" or "I won't hire gays" and most people don't want to take a job if they know that's a risk in the future. So by telling people this at the start they figure they're avoiding some of the future difficulties. Do some gays go overboard and proclaim it from the rafters? Sure they do. Although most of us don't. And some straight people do too. I suspect most of us can remember a friend or two who was always bragging about the number of girls he bedded--and sometimes even girls talking about the number of guys they'd slept with! I know I can think of at least 5 American football (gridiron) players I know who were always bragging about their sexual prowess. Some people always carry it to extremes. But most people don't. So the chances are you know more gay guys (and maybe lesbians too) than you suspect because they don't mention it to you. Even when you're talking about the wonderful weekend you had with your wife or girlfriend and asking them what they got up to, they keep mum because they know you don't want to know about them being gay. So they keep quiet. And with that, I'll do the same. I've done my best to explain where we were coming from and why clubs with a primarily gay/bi orientation were started. And as I leave I'll add one other note. To the best of my knowledge-none of the clubs in the Bingham Cup are restricted to gay and/or bi players. Every club I know of has straight players on them as well. Guys who find that the "gay" club works better for them than another option. The main reason that everyone is in the club is to play rugby. With any luck--it won't be long before there is no need for clubs to make someone feel safe playing the great game of rugby-regardless of their appearance, orientation or ability. That they'll feel like they can be accepted simply because they want to learn a great game and to be a member of a team with other great people who want to do the same.
Michael Barnett
Roar Rookie
That works both ways Kent. Tell the guys on the team not to bring their wives or girlfriends to club functions or talk about them because their sex lives should be kept in the bedroom. They shouldn't force their sexuality on everyone else. Being same-sex attracted is normal and healthy. There is no reason to stigmatise anyone because of it. You want to stop the rate of youth suicide? Then tell the gay guys on the team you want to support them and their relationships. You want them to kill themselves, you're going the right way about it. And remember, you might have a kid on the team one day...
Kent Millar
Guest
This is my point. What is your sexuality got to do with anything? How many people declare they are Hetro? They don't. Why do homo's have to declare they are gay? Because to them, it is an issue. If one of my team mates told me they were gay, I would say, "and?" "Why are you telling me this? Is it something I need to know? Cause I don't". The reason why homosexuality was made legal was the argument that what goes on between two consenting adults in the privacy of their own bedroom is nobodys business. So why do homos insist on making it our business? Many a comment has been made in the changing rooms or the club rooms and even the work place that I find offensive if directed at me. But I know they are general comments, not directed at me and that's where it ends. Perhaps if I told all my team mates I was a homo and they started calling me a queer etc, I might take offence. But, if I'm queer and my team mates don't know, how can any comment made in generalisation be taken offensively? If you want to indulge in same sex sex, that's your business. But don't go preaching it and making yourself a target.
Michael Barnett
Guest
Pity people who say this don't have an care about straight "lifestyles" being forced on gay people.
Cameron Muhic
Guest
Kent--If you'll read my (overly long) post earlier you may understand some of the reasons we started a separate team in Dallas. We had a lot of guys on our team who wanted to play sports in school, or after but, were afraid to try because they felt like they wouldn't be welcome if they were gay (or even perceived as gay). A large part of this came from people making fun of a guy in locker rooms and on athletic fields by calling them gay, queer, etc. More than a few of our guys had been beaten up in Jr High and High School because they were gay (or someone thought they were) or even for just being different--and so they felt like they'd not only be unwelcome but could actually be injured by other people trying to hurt them because they were gay. Of course, you could say they should have just "manned up" and gone out and taken their lumps like a man--but even today its still not unheard of for someone to be hospitalized or even killed here in the US for being thought of as gay. Thankfully it happens a lot less these days than it used to--but a lot of our guys grew up in small towns and during less tolerant times and they avoided situations where they could be physically hurt because someone took exception to them for what ever reason. We formed the Diablos to give guys a place where they could learn and play the game without the fear of being ridiculed, or worse, for being different. Of course they still risked being injured on the pitch, and there was always the chance that an opposing team could try to take them out because they were queer--but at least they had all their teammates to support them and back them up. And I have to say that the other teams in the Texas Rugby Union (the RU for all teams in the state of Texas) were real gentlemen (at least off the pitch). In the best rugby tradition they only cared if we were trying our best on the pitch, and with the exception of one team from a US Army base who seemed to have difficulty playing a "gay" team, we never had problems during the time I was with the team from any opposing team (I can't speak about if there were any problems after I moved away--but I never heard tell of any). The other thing to realize is, to the best of my knowledge, all the teams in the International Gay RU welcome straight players-and usually have a number of them. In some places it provides the only lower level rugby for guys who want to learn the game, or who are past their really competitive years but still want to play (not all US teams have an "old boys" side as we'd call them up here. But I will admit that probably the majority of players on most teams are gay or bi.
Kent Millar
Guest
Incredible, an article about gay rugby and not one negative comment. Amazing. Obviously they wouldn't withhold negative comments would they? Surely not.
Kent Millar
Guest
As I have had posts on this topic not posted. And as most posts seem to support the author. One wonders how many posts opposed to this article have been deleted? Would certainly fit with the pro gay nature of this article that has no relelvence to sport whatsoever. Better to delete the negative therby manufacturing the response to the article. Don't want to show that most people are still "homophobic" do we?
Kent Millar
Guest
What the hell has a persons sexuality got to do with sport? Are gays a seperate gender? Perhaps they're disabled? As far as I know, the only difference is who the sexually fancy. So why their own team and their own comp? A few years ago, an Australian female cricketer accused the Australian Womens Cricket team as being full of lesbians and that she wasn't selected because she wasn't one. Should there be a seperate "straight" womens cricket team? Most of the Black Ferns are lesbians. Should we have a "straight" womens rugby team and comp? As for "unconcious" homophobia such as "that's a gay call ref". When I grew up, "gay" meant happy and carefree. When I heard that it was now what homosexuals wanted to be called, I declared that in 20 years, it would be a derogatory word. How right I was. How did I know? Because a rose by any other name, is still a rose.
Housebrick
Guest
First up, I'm gay so a bit biased, I played at the Bingham cup. One important point here is that for many of the guys homophobia doesn't hit them day to day, that've grown beyond it. Sadly there's people of all ages coming to grips with it and it's a rough time as much as those like BB like to trivialize it. I turned out for an inclusive team and have played in plenty of other teams, I'm not advertising anything, just playing footy. What events like the Bingham cup do is to get through to the kid somewhere out there that might be about to neck him/herself and sadly it's bloody important. So let it be 'advertised' if you're so 'accepting' there's no need to resist a great event. No amount of retro justification can change a grubby call.
No mate, you have it all wrong. A couple of years ago I was invited to Monte Casino to watch a Cabaret show. It was three males doing their thing in Women's clothing and it was highly entertaining, I didn't know it was going to be three males doing the show, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. After the show finished the three men came onto the stage and for their closing their Leader of the group did this poem he wrote about when is a man a man. I was basically a justification and advertisement for being gay, but still being a man. If nothing was said or justified, I would never have thought twice about them being gay, but justifying it makes you think twice about why My point is, live your life, and I will live mine, but don't justify to me why you are gay as I don't justify why I am heterosexual. I live in a multicultural society that has taught me a lot about being tolerant to any race, creed, religious belief or sexual orientation etc. The one thing I am not interested in is to have people in my face about why they live their lives the way they have chosen. If everyone were more tolerant about others in their convictions and less concerned about punting their belief system or lifestyles onto others we might not even concern ourselves with these issues. be natural and be yourself, let the rest go, all it does it create unnecessary issues and baggage. Besides discussing what your friend, wife or child has done on the weekend is general conversation and has little to do with anything other than having conversation.
El Gamba
Roar Guru
Agree Jeznez. It's a shame about some of the comments above, ignorance demonstrated.
ktah
Guest
You began your comment by saying you have two gay brother-in-laws. In other words you clearly implied you are married, which advertises to people that you're heterosexual. Your comment reminded me of a bloke at work who said he couldn't understand why gay people felt the need to "advertise their lifestyle". The same bloke was quite happy to mention and relate stories about his wife and kids to his work colleagues. Double standards much?
jeznez
Roar Guru
Great to hear your story Carl.
Jim
Guest
Great piece. Thanks. Yes, those are the only two criteria that should be applied. Too often we think everyone we know is just like us. Glad you opened your mind. It will help others.
Wasim Ranamadroota
Roar Pro
Thanks Matt. Lots of what you describe is familiar to my own upbringing and changing attitudes. We will get there.
Zero Gain
Guest
Nice story. Thanks for sharing. Note to self: love and respect every human being.
TommyM
Roar Rookie
Great post Carl
Daisy
Guest
Loved every minute of the Cup on Sunday. Great rugby, great atmosphere and a good time was had by all. Noticed that despite the quantity of alcohol consumed on the sideline there was no agro in the crowd.... Great specatator role models :)
How is that? Please explain?
Rob9
Guest
Haha unfortunately I'm the sucker out the front of the class marking the assignments these days mate. Saw your article this morning and thought it tied in really nicely with my year 8 lesson today.