Modern innovations give wake-up call to disgruntled 1980s bowler

Imagine this. Limited overs cricket circa 1980, post-match in the sheds. An old school six-cans-and-two-packs-a-day fast bowler is soothing his aching chassis in an ice bath after another innings of being treated like a piñata.

He’s perspiring and pissed off after labouring like the clappers under an angry sun for stuff-all. He’s been pumped for a humiliating 51 runs from his 10 overs, a cavalcade of frustration that included four nicks that didn’t carry, two dropped catches and stream of contempt from the bats culminating with an over of 16 showboating runs from a lower-order cowboy.

All he’s got to show for his efforts is one lousy consolation wicket and a bout of nasty chafe from some thigh friction that could light a campfire. As this kind of abuse is becoming the norm, he now officially hates cricket, having realised that it’s transformed into a mug’s game that’s all about the batsmen and their greater needs.

In fact, he’s dealing with sunstroke and a 12th man who forgot to put cans in the bath, so he’s in the mood for rash statements. He’s going on the record: limited overs cricket has killed fast bowling and all of the endearing and masculine traits that come with it.

Fast forward 35 years, and the old school fast bowler’s predicament would seem like an air-conditioned massage in comparison. Looking around at the modern day wasteland, he would realise that he bowled to bats like pencils, on pitches like riverside moss, all within the confines of boundaries undetectable without binoculars.

But besides these, there are many other anti-quick mod-cons that have emerged through shorter form cricket, because the game is all about the batsmen. Or it could be because bowlers are generally a daft bunch who struggle to keep pace with their more intellectually advanced counterparts. Whatever.

Nevertheless, what would the grumpy fast bowler of yesteryear think about all of these blights on the game?

Slower ball bouncers
A hairy-chested quick’s answer to any adversity back in the day was simple: whatever it was, be it a batsman, a door-to-door salesman or a feral cat in the front yard, just bounce the crap out of it. Problem solved.

Unfortunately, the modern game only allows for a drip feed of short stuff, meaning sustained peppering of any forehead is no longer lawful. This has resulted in a bouncer evolution and the shedding of two of its great undie-filling attributes: smoking pace and a lifting trajectory.

Yes, bowlers now have to wrest back control of the game bowling chin music at 105km/h, resulting in deliveries that, while effectively deceiving, die in the air halfway down the wicket and bounce twice before reaching the keeper. It’s in complete contravention of the charter.

Consequently, Jeff Thomson now follows golf.

Wide yorkers
I can hear the sun-bashed quickie now: “Rightyo smartarse, if we can’t force them to retreat in fear back on to their stumps, I’ll just rock the casbah with a thunderbolt up his blockhole. Too easy! Now give me seven slips.”

This is a flash of logic from the not always bright tearaway that works perfectly in theory. Unfortunately, the modern batsman can whip theory through midwicket, paddle it fine, or stand a foot back in his crease and pound it back over the bowler’s head, which by now is producing enough steam to power the Zig-Zag railway.

Naturally, all the cranky seamer can now do is to put it somewhere it can’t be used. This means that any delivery only conceding a single is now considered a glorious moment in the game for fast bowling.

Regrettably, this is a ‘highlight’ that seldom makes the nightly news.

Opening spinners
Any fast bowler who passes will almost certainly be lowered in to the ground still gripping the last brand spanking six-stitcher they held, such is their sense of entitlement to opening the bowling. It’s written in the bible, the constitution and the sands of time; he who is hairy and coming in from the sightscreen doth take the new plum because it swings and because he likes making his lady call him ‘the spearhead’.

This means that the old school quick will be questioning his very manhood when he hears that the effeminate department of the bowling division has taken over his role of kicking off proceedings. What about the shine? The seam? The opportunity to extensively rub it near his groin? It’s a travesty.

Batting depth
The fast men have just blasted out the top six in 1982, and now the keeper has been sent on his way for a paltry return. Welcome to the fast bowler’s Qantas Lounge; numbers nine-ten-Jack in the order, where you can score cheap wickets while sampling brie and sipping on Pinot.

Afraid not, fellas. This century, batting line-ups run deep – yep, all the way down to eleven, and the lot of them can throw the bat and bend your average over in the blink of a ramp shot. Unfortunately, you’re actually going to have to think about knocking these blokes over, so stop charging your drink bottle with Tooheys while you’re down at fine leg and think about what field you want set.

One hundred from the last 10 overs
Sheesh, if you were defending a total back in the day and the opposition needed 10 runs an over at any point in the innings, it’s time to set up a banana lounge on the fence and spark up a Stuyvo, because this baby is in the bag!

Heck, even the fat captain can afford to bowl his grimy leg-breaks for a laugh and a hearty dose of opposition disrespect. Go ahead and knock yourself out.

Nowadays, the only reason a fast bowler would light up a durry with this scenario is to cop a lash of nicotine’s sweet stress relief. This is because a tornado of rage hitting is imminent, and with the skipper saving your remaining three overs for the run home, you’re about to cop a bruising. Probably going to lose, too.

Two new balls
Beware, old school fast bowler. This may look like a rare advantage to your kind, a quirk in this future apocalypse, even a mistake undetected. But no, it’s just a dangerous boobytrap that will add a third digit to your ‘runs conceded’ column.

Originally introduced as a morsel of promise to destitute quicks, the advent of a newie at each end has just resulted in batsmen receiving more ping off their coffee table-sized bats. Onya ICC – thanks for thinking of the needy, but we’ll just be throwing twice as many outfield returns in to the ground now, thanks.

They’re 0/120 from 12 overs. Is it reversing yet?

Okay, enough bleeding hearts for the bowlers. Let’s throw it open to the Roarers. We want to know, what’s your favourite modern-day innovation? Is it any of these tactics that have browbeaten bowlers worldwide? What about catches over the rope? Scoop shots? Or even just oafish schoolboy sledging?