Shane Watson's greatest failure

I have always been Shane Watson’s greatest defender. Amid all the ridicule, the opprobrium and abuse, I stood by this brave, blonde man.

I stood by this man who wanted nothing more than to do his best for his country and enjoy the benefits of a superior antiperspirant.

While his record was underwhelming, his reliability at the crucial moment questionable and his fitness erratic, I never lost faith that he had the talent and the will to succeed. I could see, in the booming drives, rasping cuts and ferocious pulls with which he gathered runs and then shortly afterwards got out, the seeds of greatness.

I could sense, in his devilish accuracy and wobbly in-dippers, a man who may have been without acclaim in his own time, but whom we would miss once gone.

I was, in short, a Watson fan. I believed in him.

But no more.

Shane Watson has, for me, gone beyond the pale. It is not a brainless swipe, a lead-footed poke or a clumsy air-swing that has broken the threads of our bond. It is six simple words:

“I’ve only got myself to blame.”

With those words, Watson signed the death warrant for the executioner of my heart. I can no longer support him, and with bitter tears I will look for a new hero.

Only got yourself to blame, Shane? Really? Is this what you’ve been reduced to? You, who once bestrode the earth like a colossus and called no man master? It is pathetic. What’s more, it is un-Australian. No Australian worth his zinc would ever dream of assigning blame exclusively to himself. It is a matter of sad regret that you’ve chosen this, the self-aware way out.

What’s even more galling is that it’s not as if it would even be difficult for Watson to avoid the humiliation. It’s not hard, with the merest moment’s thought, to find all kinds of other people to blame for everything that’s gone wrong for him. Goodness, so far from him having only himself to blame, with a smidgen of imagination he should have had no need to blame himself at all. Here is just a brief selection of places blame can be laid aside from at Watson’s door.

Michael Clarke
The relationship between Clarke and Watson has not always been of the sunniest, and there can be little doubt that lacking a supportive captain contributed to Watson’s inability to give of his best – who among us can perform at optimum levels when our immediate superior doubts us?

Moreover, during the period in which Watson has struggled, Clarke has quite openly scored several centuries, spitefully rubbing salt into Watson’s wound. And then he got injured, thus increasing the pressure on Watson to contribute, which was hardly fair. God only knows what kind of bizarre game of psychological manipulation ‘Pup’ thinks he’s playing.

Mickey Arthur
Anyone who knows Shane Watson will tell you that he is a free spirit, who responds well to those who give him space and latitude to express himself and follow his bliss. They will also tell you he responds badly to being given homework.

So what does Mickey ‘Not even actually an Australian’ Arthur do? Gives him homework and kicks him out of the team when he doesn’t do it! Absurd man-management, and a trauma from which anyone would find recovery problematic.

Steve Smith
Smith’s astounding run of form lately has been incredibly embarrassing to Watson. If he’d been a little more moderate in his run-scoring, Watson may not have looked so bad by comparison, and might still be in the team as a consequence.

Mitch Marsh and James Faulkner
I think it’s been clear for some time that Shane Watson is Australia’s premier all-rounder. Nobody said these upstarts could run about usurping that position, and their behaviour has been shameful. It is hardly Watson’s fault if people are going to go around playing the all-rounder’s role in the team without going through correct channels.

James Brayshaw
Could you play international cricket at a consistent level of excellence if you knew the whole time James Brayshaw was in the commentary box, being paid to talk? I know I couldn’t.

Bill Lawry
In 1971 the first one-day international was played due to a wash-out of the MCG Test. If Australian captain Lawry had refused to play this game, ODI cricket wouldn’t exist, and the World Cup wouldn’t exist, and none of this would have happened.

Gunn and Moore
Those bats don’t seem to be pulling their weight, frankly.

Joe Hockey
It’s hardly a surprise that Watson’s form has plunged, given the sleepless nights he’s spent fretting over Australia’s fiscal position. Of course he’s been getting out cheaply: he’s exhausted!

God
There are hundreds of successful sportsmen who will testify to the positive effect the Lord has had on their game. The fact that He has chosen to withhold success from Shane Watson speaks to the Almighty’s petty and vindictive nature, and cannot be held against the man himself, who I hear goes to church regularly.

Germaine Greer
The influence of this divisive figure on modern feminism cannot be underestimated, and the crisis of masculinity and confusion of appropriate gender roles which have come about as a result of the feminist movement must have been of deep concern to a burly yet sensitive fellow like Shane. Greer can by no means be absolved here.

Mr and Mrs Watson
As Shane’s parents, these two would have to admit that all these problems really did start with them.

That is just the start. I could go for literally hours about all the people who could theoretically be blamed for Shane Watson’s axing from the Australian team, who are not Shane Watson.

So the question is, if I can, why can’t Shane Watson? And that’s his biggest failure of all. For shame.