Manly's greatest team of iconic villains from the modern era

It’s Brookvale Oval party time as the Sea Eagles finally return home to their shabby chic bunker after 51 arduous days of sleeping rough, and I reckon seeing its iconic hillside and dilapidated bleachers unsafely packed again is a moment that demands commemoration.

Getting back to base is a minor victory for Manly in a season full of owies that has slowly rotted from day dot. In fact, affairs have become so dire that it has dulled the rest of society’s instinctive hatred for maroon and white, and frankly this just doesn’t sit right with me.

So to pop a cork for their homecoming parade, plus help the rest of the universe to rediscover that sweet visceral disdain, I’ve put a peg on my nose and bravely trawled their club records to find their all-time greatest grubs and scoundrels from modern times.

To be honest, this exercise was hardly finding a needle in a haystack. You’ll see by this team that when it comes to icons of unsavoury conduct, the club has profound depth.

So Manly fans, get ready to gush, and to the rest of us, get ready to gag. We’re celebrating getting back to Brookie with a collection of Manly’s most iconic pottymouths, psychos and bullies. Gross!

1. Matthew Ridge
A generally abrasive chap who loved verbally tearing the refs a new one whenever they were in earshot. Whenever you’re in the company of Dragons fans, just mention Ridge along with David Manson for a special offer of one free slap upside the head.

2. John Hopoate (c)
Selects himself. In fact, I’ve given him the nod as captain of this team, and it’s due to many, many, many factors. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just Google him.

Actually, on second thought, don’t do that. That’s a browser history that could get you flagged on a government watchlist.

3. Steve Matai
On his Tinder account, Matai lists his hobbies as follows:

‘Injuries, causing and incurring. Regaining feeling in my arm. Backgammon.’

4. Terry Hill
A certified nutcase on the paddock whose dubious behaviours made a potential science exhibit. Fair dinkum, this guy would sledge his own kids when the front seat in the car goes up for grabs. Also a noted klepto crustacean enthusiast who brings 120 per cent chance of showers to any conditions.

5. Michael Robertson
May seem like a bolter to some. But think of it this way: in modern footy with all of its travel requirements, every team needs a helicopter.

6. Craig Field
Scheming, probing, yapping, hassling, yapping, irking, yapping, yapping. Did I mention yapping? You probably can’t read this because you can’t hear over this guy’s yapping.

Field demands selection as a qualified pest who probably took his love of the villain role a smidge too far in retirement.

7. Geoff Toovey
A man with the looks of a clean-cut school dux who was probably set for a role in Summer Bay until he opened his mouth and out poured a stream so ferociously blue that he received multiple letters of complaint from convicts, sailors and Chopper Read.

Truly ahead of his time, Toovey was the first man to tirelessly pioneer for the introduction of a second referee by attempting to be one in every match he played.

In a makeshift halves duo, forms an infuriating twin-turbo verbal assault that quits for no whistle or cocked front-rower’s fist.

8. Mark Carroll
Anyone who beats up on The Chief is a no-brainer.

9. Scott Fulton
Have you ever met anyone who agrees with gross nepotism? Plus he’s got crabs, and worse still, he got them from you. (See also: Hill, T.)

10. Martin Bella
A Queenslander who played for Manly and then moved in to politics post-footy. Whoever this bloke is taking advice from is definitely having a laugh. And again, anyone who beats up on The Chief is a no-brainer.

11. Anthony Watmough
Not only does he enthuse over belting blokes on the paddock, he is fiercely against free speech as evidenced by his call for rubber bullets to be fired up the backsides of protesters who lengthened his commute home by 13 minutes. As a result, is slated to coach Cuba in retirement.

12. Ben Kennedy
“Whoa!” I hear you say. “No way, dude. Ben Kennedy?”

Yeah that’s right, you hippy. Remember when the cue-ball backrower tried to fight Danny ‘Bambi’ Buderus? I rest my case.

Yep, when employed by the Knights, the madman actions of guys like Kennedy are considered spirited and tough. But when such qualities are transferred in to the maroon and white, you’re just an unpleasant psycho.

13. Des Hasler
Remember the mid-2000’s when Manly were manky? Geeez they were good times. They don’t build them like that any more.

It was a time when the Sea Eagles were on the cusp of a long-winded period of mediocrity, a downturn which would’ve undoubtedly had a positive knock-on effect for the rest of the world, most probably resulting in a golden period of global economic growth in the third world and the prevention of Australia’s childhood obesity epidemic.

Well, I don’t want to overblow this, but Hasler was the mastermind behind the crumbling of these said good times. He has a lot to answer for.