I’ve never been a big fan of The Footy Show, and I’m not just saying that because I know how to read.
It’s just that, whether in its AFL or NRL incarnation, the show’s innovative mixture of idiocy and stupidness never quite caught on with me.
I guess I always just preferred watching footballers playing football to watching footballers do literally anything else.
But no matter what you might say about The Footy Show – that it’s lowbrow, that it’s cliched, that it’s inarticulate, that it’s tired, that it’s boring, that it’s moronic, that it’s insulting, that it’s sexist, that’s racist, that it’s homophobic, that it’s degrading the very fabric of the Australian sporting lifestyle, that it diminishes the intelligence and basic moral worth of every unfortunate sap who for whatever reason ends up watching a single minute of it…sorry, what was I saying?
Oh yes – say what you like about The Footy Show, you can’t deny that it has always been at the forefront of breaking new ground in the field of athletitainment. It was the AFL Footy Show, remember, that first recognised the potential of Billy Brownless, a man who had previously been considered telegenic only by certain devotees of the occult.
And it was the NRL edition that spawned the stand-up comedy career of Craig McLachlan, allowing us all to know that evil is real, and has a face.
So it’s no surprise that the great leap forward took place last night on The NRL Footy Show, when Ben Ross, in an arm-wrestling contest against fellow ex-Queensland great Wendell Sailor, had his arm essentially snapped in half.
And for the first time in a long time, watching The Footy Show, I felt alive.
I realised why for so long I had preferred watching football to watching terrible shows about football: the ever-present possibility of serious injury.
Isn’t that the essence of sport: the fervent hope that at some point during proceedings an ambulance will be required? Isn’t this what gets the blood of the true sports fan pumping? As the old saying goes, “It’s not action unless it ends in traction”.
Since we all know this, isn’t it awfully stuffy of us to have restricted dangerous violence to the on-field portions of sports broadcasting?
It’s not as if we don’t recognise what fun studio-bound bloodshed can be. Remember when Normie Rowe and Ron Casey punched on on the Midday Show? That was amazing, and the important thing to remember is, that kind of thing will work even if you don’t have two participants who everyone inherently wants to see get punched. Because the greatest abiding law of human nature is this: people getting hurt is an enjoyable sight.
That’s why I hope and pray last night’s Footy Show wasn’t a one-off. I’d like to see them really commit to the concept. I want to see what happened last night happen every week. Not exactly the same, of course – we don’t need Wendell Sailor breaking Ben Ross’s arm every Thursday night.
No, I foresee a different special guest coming in every week to break Ben Ross’s arm. ‘Break Ben’s Arm’ could become the hottest segment on the show. And to that can be added new formats, like ‘Punch Fatty’s Stupid Face’, or ‘Burn Mario Fenech With Cigarettes’.
If anything is going to reinvigorate the show, that will.
And naturally the idea is extendable to the show’s southern cousin. Break Ben’s Arm can easily be adapted to ‘Break Crawf’s Arm’, and the league-centric violence can be shaped to fit an Aussie rules audience with such interludes as ‘Drive A Bus Over Sam’, or ‘Let Pensioners Bite James Brayshaw’.
It’s my hope that these ideas will not only ignite a new spark in the Footy Show franchises, but that they will spice up the duller parts of all sporting broadcasts. We all know, for example, how tedious the extended preamble to State of Origin clashes is. But how much more enthralling if, while delivering his analysis of team tactics, Andrew ‘Joey’ Johns were receiving massive electric shocks to the genitals. What if Phil Gould, instead of making a forgettable speech on the field of play, were attacked by dogs?
The sky is the limit, really, once you let yourself embrace the new paradigm. Friday night football can only improve once the commentary box is doused with petrol, and a new rule is implemented whereby Brian Taylor has a finger dislocated every time he says ‘Wowee’.
Yes, it’s revolutionary thinking. But sport has always advanced through such thinking. Where would cricket be if WG Grace hadn’t scandalised the conservative society of Victorian England by using a bat to hit the ball, instead of – as was thought “gentlemanly” at the time – a horse.
Now think of where cricket will be in the future if we insist on the archaic convention that Ian Healy is never permitted to stab Mark Taylor’s thighs.
Indeed, where will any sport be without bowing to market realities? Where will tennis be if Jim Courier continues to conduct on-court interviews free from barrages of rubber bullets? Where will soccer be if Craig Foster’s famously un-shattered kneecaps never get a chance to change things up a little? Dead and buried, I’m afraid – killed by competition with less tradition-obsessed entertainments that give viewers what they want.
Let’s face it, the love of violence is hardwired into our DNA, and we can never be truly happy watching sport unless a good maiming is at least imminent. All I’m saying is we should broaden the base so that it’s not just the players risking life and limb.
And if you can name a single sports commentator you don’t want to see injured… well, can you really call yourself a ‘fan’?
The Barry
Roar Guru
And who said they were trying to win a Nobel prize? They were raising money for charity FFS. Is the way they were doing it too low brow for you? Every minute of every TV show should be aspiring to win a Nobel prize. Nonsensical comments. My comments are confusing? You wouldn't wish a broken bone on anyone but you're happy to laugh at someone who has because they didn't die. You must piss yourself when people get paralysed. Just as long as no one dies.
The Barry
Roar Guru
The comment so good you had to say it twice. :-) im not criticising finding humour in the situation. Although I don't think there's anything actually funny in the article. I mean WG grace used a horse for a bat - classic. My point is the footy show has served up dross for years. It has awful segments and the least funny guy on TV in Beau Ryan (he and Pobjie would hit it right off). Why would you wait until someone snaps their arm trying to raise money for charity to bag the show? Especially when no one on the show had any culpability for the accident. it doesn't make sense unless it's a low bludger looking for an excuse to put in a cheap shot.
Shaw
Roar Rookie
Mr Barry, clearly we find different things amusing and different things worth of getting cranky about. This is a good thing and emblematic of our diverse modern world. I support your right to not be amused. However I find your point somewhat confusing, as I don’t see why a charitable arm wrestle is immune from any joculating. Seriously, arm wrestling for charity? Move over mother Teresa, hang your heads in shame doctors without boarders, two blokes had an arm wrestle! Nobel prize in the bag.... Nor do I think “freak accidents” are off limits either, as neither participant died as a result. Yet you cite these as reasons to deem the article an expression of sport hate, even though you later state you think the show is worthy of bagging. You’ve obviously read more of these “negative cheap shot articles” than I (this is the second of Ben’s I’ve read) and it begs the question if you don’t like them, then why keep reading them and responding? Break the cycle of negativity, you have the power. For the record, whilst I wouldn’t wish a broken limb on anyone (having recently recovered from one Myself) it is a good thing to find humour in unfortunate circumstances. It is not essential to hate something to poke fun at it either. Most of my friends, family, acquaintances took the p!ss at my expense (as I did myself) it’s a fundamentally aussie thing to do.
Shaw
Roar Rookie
Mr Barry, clearly we find different things amusing and different things worth of getting cranky about. This is a good thing and emblematic of our diverse modern world. I support your right to not be amused. However I find your point somewhat confusing, as I don't see why a charitable arm wrestle is immune from any joculating. Nor do I think "freak accidents" are off limits either. Yet you cite these as reasons to deem the article an expression of sport hate, even though you later state you think the show is worthy of bagging. You've obviously read more of these "negative cheap shot articles" than me (this is the second of Ben's I've read) and it begs the question if you don't like them, then why keep reading them and responding? Break the cycle of negativity for your own sake. For the record, whilst I wouldn't wish a broken limb on anyone (having recently recovered from one Myself) it is a good thing to find humour in unfortunate circumstances. It is not essential to hate something to poke fun at it either. Most of my friends, family, acquaintances took the piss at my expense (as I did myself) it's an aussie thing to do.
The Barry
Roar Guru
That sounds about right...it would give you grist for yet another "what's wrong with sport article"
Ben Pobjie
Expert
Um, I think you'll find this article IS about what I enjoy about sport - I enjoy the threat of serious injuries.
The Barry
Roar Guru
I don't think there were too many comments defending the show. I watched the footy show for a long time but don't anymore. There's plenty to bag about the show. But this was an arm wrestling segment for a charity. It was a freak accident. Trying to use that as a vehicle to bag the footy show doesn't make sense. My comments are regarding the accumulation of negative cheap shot articles from this author rather than any desire to defend the show.
Shaw
Roar Rookie
Nice work Ben, sadly though I think the the chuckles you gave me were topped by the guffaws at the hostile comments by those defending their sacred cow. Great entertainment all round, maybe there's a show in this: a footy show about footy shows.... Ratings gold?
The Barry
Roar Guru
Bag the footy show all you want but they have no responsibility for Ross having broken his arm. The cameras moved off Ross straight away. There was a rugby league arm wrestling segment on Rex Mossop's Sportsworld back in the 80s. The arm wrestling comp was a fund raiser so you can hardly say it was a boofhead stunt. It will definitely go viral. I've already told people about it but that's not the footy shows fault either. I don't think using a freak accident to grandstand against the footy show is appropriate particularly as they didn't do anything wrong to cause the accident.
Clark
Guest
Brayshaw (everything he is involved with)
Zedman
Roar Rookie
London to a brick Channel nine loved every minute of it, this clip will go viral and the Boofheads on the show and also the ones who produce this pap will see it as win, win, win. The game has moved on from this rubbish spewed out from The Footy Show.
Rob McHugh
Roar Guru
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6H67lL7jLFA&feature=youtu.be
nerval
Guest
It keeps him in with his Twitter mate, Peter Fitzsimons. That matters a lot to Ben.
The Barry
Roar Guru
Another cheap shot article from sports hating Ben Pobjie. Have you ever written an article about something you enjoy about sport? Is there anything? Using someone breaking their arm in a freak accident as an opportunity to jump on your soapbox is a new low for you. Well done.
chook
Guest
Abso bloody lutely.....
farqueue
Guest
Gave up on the footy show when I flicked over and beau Ryan's segment was starting, after two minutes of hearing an old woman telling him he was a good sort, and him playing up to it, I gave up, what a wanker he is. Fletch and hindy are so much funnier , I just stick to fox now.
pete bloor
Guest
I think you and Ben are on the same page Dutski
Dutski
Guest
Ben, I know satire is your thing and I agree the the footy show is lowest common denominator 'entertainment'... But there's something about having a laugh when a bloke's been badly injured that seems pretty mean spirited. Sorry, this one missed the mark for me.
Megan Maurice
Expert
When Ross Noble floated the idea of 'Ray Martin Fights a Pig' I thought that was the very pinnacle of television segments I would pay good money to watch. But that has been topped by 'Let Pensioners Bite James Brayshaw'. Bravo sir.
Pomski
Guest
Please people don't watch the Footy Show. Install or subscribe to FoxSports and watch good NRL related shows like Monday Nights with Matty Johns, The Big Weekend, NRL 360 or even Stirlo.