There is one glaringly obvious theme that is being showcased in the Ashes series that every man and his dog who has watched the first six days of the series can attest to.
The pitches delivered for the showpiece of Test cricket have deliberately been as dull, if not more so, as a Bill Shorten interview.
It is 2013, England landed in Australia as favourites to defend the Ashes which they had convincingly won earlier that year. They were eager to replicate their 2011 Ashes series win in Australia. Australia were to be blown off the pitch by the superior pace attack that England boasted, and the patient and exquisite top order batting that they claimed to possess.
No one would have predicted what actually transpired – the annihilation of English cricket.
There is one figure that the annihilation could be put down to. One man who brought the downfall of everything English cricket had built in the space of three years, and he did it in two months.
The seriously angry face of Mitchell Johnson streaming in to throw a 150km/h bomb with his disgustingly beautiful Chopper Read-esque ‘tache was etched into the psyche of every single English mind.
It was so bad that one player retired, one took a sabbatical (for reasons that he and the ECB could not agree on), the coach lost his job and their greatest batsmen in the modern era was frozen out of the team over personal grievances.
Out of the five Test matches, five one day International matches and three T20 matches – England only managed one solitary one day win. That’s one win in 13 matches.
Why am I reminding every Aussie of the greatest summer for any Australian who has any connection to cricket? Because the seriously angry face of Mitchell Johnson streaming in to throw a 150km/h speed bomb with his disgustingly beautiful Chopper Read-esque ‘tache is still etched into the psyche of every single English mind.
It has gotten so bad that we’re playing on slow and low-bouncing wickets to combat the Australian pace attack.
British journalist Sam Peters has stated that every journalist was denied any request to conduct a series of questions with the ground staff who were preparing the grounds for this series.
The secrecy of the ECB and its refusal to allow the ground staff to answer any question is obvious now – they were planning on providing dull pitches and the interviews would have been as dull as the current deck in Lord’s. If you’re a betting man then I suggest taking a punt on the next three matches being based on pitches of the same calibre.
If this is a deliberate attempt to slow the pitches it makes you wonder a few things:
1) What does it show of the confidence the ECB has on the English pace attack?
2) Are the English that worried about the Australian pace attack and that void of confidence of their own batting line-up?
3) What about us fans who want to watch exciting cricket and the poor fans who pay good money to go watch the games in the stadium only to see every edge fall short of the slips?
4) How much more advantage do we want to give to the batsmen? Fans want to see equal cricket, not an overworked bowler finding it difficult to gain any assistance from a pitch that gives everything to a batter.
The counties who own the grounds would be more than happy to oblige to the requests as it increases the chance of a full five day match occurring. This increases their gate receipts and ability to generate more money for themselves.
Considering the counties bid good money to host an Ashes match, they would want to get as much back as they can. Requesting mind-blowingly boring pitches would have been exciting times for them.
A factor that has now increased in importance is winning of the toss. Batting first will give that team the edge in the match – provided that they execute well in the first innings.
Winning the toss is always important, however with a pitch as void for pace and bounce as the ones served up by the ECB in this series the importance has greatly risen.
We can thank the summer of 2013 for the dullness of winter 2015.
If beautifully awful moustache of Mitchell Johnson rattled you that badly, why wouldn’t you try everything you can to stop him and his mates doing what they do best?
Matt
Roar Rookie
Didn't stop us getting 4/30 though.
Chris Kettlewell
Roar Guru
Yes, Australia and South Africa are quite similar, which is also why there's no real home advantage. In that matchup both teams have done better in the away tests than home since South Africa's readmission.
Shaw
Roar Rookie
Time for the ICC to regulate: each competitor in internationals appoints a curator of their choice to prepare half the wicket. 1 end each doctored to suit the plans/strengths of each team.
Cadfael
Roar Guru
It is up to the home country to prepare wickets and they do so for the benefit of their team not the opposition (though I am wondering why we had such roads here last summer). The first test could have gone either way had we got Root early. We didn't and that was the difference. Our bowlers didn't do a bad job, pity our batsmen threw their wickets away in that first innings.
Pom in Oz
Roar Guru
The Lord's pitch is awful. Basically, whoever won the toss and batted first was guaranteed, at least, not to lose. My gut feel is that Lyon will need to bowl well on the 5th day to see Oz to victory. Something that he's not particularly associated with doing in the past. Otherwise, this match will peter out into a very boring draw. However, to compare it to Cardiff is ludicrous. Yes, it was slow and low, but England were teetering on 3 for (and should have been 4 for) not many after 15 overs. There were 40 wickets in 4 days, which is a very different story to only one wicket on the first day. Cardiff was a result producing pitch and produced an exciting and watchable test match. On the question of whether England would deliberately refrain from preparing hard, fast pitches to suit MJ. Of course they bloody would, they're not stupid! Although, I do believe he's lost his mojo anyway. What England really should have done was to have refused Rogers a working visa many years ago. He's basically playing at home!...
Alex L
Roar Rookie
Of course they have a meeting with the curators, there are often at least two touring test sides, state competitions, and the BBL all to schedule -- some games are not yet publicly scheduled, but do you think CA puts out the schedule before making sure the curators are confident they can have the pitches in good condition, especially for the test matches? As for Sydney, climate there has changed too, it's borderline tropical nowadays.
Brian
Guest
Because CA make a lot more money from a 5 day Test vs India then a 2-3 day one. Last summer the pitches were slow but they were not spin friendly whereby Australia would lose. Just designed to maximse earnings. South Africa I don't remember the specifics but with both teams being similar I can't see either gaining much by doctoring the pitches.
Jake
Guest
Anti-Mitch.
AlanKC
Guest
MJ also caused the retirement of a Roar regular 'Hookin YT" - never to be heard from again.
Chris Kettlewell
Roar Guru
Possibly, but if that's the case, why do we end up preparing slow, lifeless pitches when India tour and faster, greener ones when South Africa tour?
Simoc
Guest
Looking for excuses already, as losers invariably do. I noticed Broad bowling some absolute pearlers on day one, to good for the bat,and when the edges came there was either no slip there, they didn't go for it or it was dropped. Of course if the early ones had gone to hand and we were three down early, well the groundsman would be defending an unplayable pitch from these clueless article writers. However it seems way smarter to prepare pitches to suit your bowling strength rather than , as we used to do here, send our guys to Perth and Brisbane when the West Indies and South African pace attacks were at their finest and our batting brittle. After Australia bowl in this test we will have a better idea of the pitch behaviour.
Dutski
Guest
As dull as a Bill Shorten interview? That's harsh. The pitches aren't as bad as that!
Brian
Guest
Of course its doctored but why are we pretending that we don't do the same thing. CA have a meeting with the Australian ground curators every August, they don't sit there and discuss the weather. Since Warne & Macgill retired the SCG spins a lot less then it used to.
Alex L
Roar Rookie
The Bellerive pitch was almost exactly what you'd expect Bellerive to look like at the end of summer prepared for First Class cricket on short notice having been used for ODIs. Not saying it was a great surface, but it's not like it was deliberately messed with.
Patrick Effeney
Editor
I did worry when Mitchell Starc's first ball bounced under the opener's bat... Or was it is his second?
Andrew
Guest
They'll just doctor the pitch until Johnson retires, then worry bout the next thorn in thier side and nullify their bowling in a similar fashion.
bird
Guest
fair point but the slow pace of the pitch definitely advantages the team winning the toss and batting.. is this really what we want to see?
Kaks
Roar Guru
http://www.independent.co.uk/incoming/article10391940.ece/alternates/w620/pg-56-lords-getty.jpg I know its not the closest picture, but you can clearly tell the difference. There is a severe lack of 'green' in the current pitch.
Kaks
Roar Guru
Had more to do with terrible shot selection than it did with amazing balling especially for the Aussies. The pitch did pick up later in the match which made the match far more exciting and even between ball and bat
GD66
Guest
Yes, but Australia was in trouble with the bat at Cardiff with short balls coming at the chest, at the elbow, off the handle etc. Hardly remember one above waist height at Lords day 1. Probably the dullest pitch since that appalling effort at Bellerive for the shield final. Cook's wince when he lost the toss was a bit of a giveaway...