I am usually loathe to produce anything in written form that vaguely resembles a match preview. Primarily because history tends to judge them as rather inaccurate.
However, given the series equilibrium after Lord’s, it is incumbent on keyboard warriors and those just below that status (like me) to crack in and share our hopelessly ill-informed opinion with the 57 people who stumbled on this article via a google search typo.
Current Series Score – 1-1
No late winner was able to make it past the keeper last week, so it’s into extra time we go. Well, there’s still a possible 15 days left in the series. It’s likely someone will score in that time.
Pitch:
Yes, there will be one. Based on recent history, expect it to have less grass on it than Nathan Lyon’s head. Expect Mark Nicholas to describe it as “flat and appearing to have inconsistent bounce” by the second James Anderson over.
The teams:
One is called England. However, this is rather misleading as like the West Indies, it is actually a representation of many nations. Well, formally only two. England and Wales. Informally, it will also represent the best of New Zealand. Under certain circumstances, it can also represent Zimbabwe, South Africa and Jamaica.
The ICC is debating whether to rename them the Barbarians.
Australia is the other team. They represent the great state of New South Wales.
Mitches:
Expect Australia to go in with three of them.
Fun Fact: These three also lead the ICC Mitch Rankings.
England are yet to try a Mitch this Ashes series. Some experts are suggesting that this is a schoolboy error.
Weather:
Given it is England and also summer, it will probably be 8 degrees and rain.
These are ideal conditions for a sport that requires dryness if your nation likes opportunities to complain. Expect the term “miserable conditions” to be used frequently.
Of the Test somehow remains to stay rain-free, expect the term “Mitcherable conditions” to be used frequently.
Crucial first hours:
The ICC have released the playing conditions for Edgbaston. The following first hours have been deemed “crucial” :
The first hours of all sessions on Days 1, 2, 3 and 4. The first hour of all Day 5 sessions have not been deemed crucial given the result will be well known by then.
Are there any tickets left?
I have called Chris Rogers and asked him. He hung up on me, so I reckon probably not.
Players to watch out for
Monty Panesar is known to be active on the Edgbaston Tinder circuit. That will please some ladies.
Kevin Pietersen is likely to appear on Day 3 sitting next to Piers Morgan. He typically disguises himself in a Nena and Pasadena baseball cap, bad tattoos and cloaks that in a high pitched South African accent.
Shane Watson is keen to be noticed by selectors, so look out for him warming the bench in an orange vest.
Likely Shane Warne topics of conversation
“Are you thirsty mate?”
“Just how thirsty are you?”
“Gonna have a beer after this cobber?”
“I love pineapple on my pizza”
Likely shape of the oval?
It’s more of a drunk rectangle, in that it will have 5 or 6 corners. This may even be that ground with a tree on it, or the one with the eight-foot slope. I can’t remember.
For more cricket irreverency, check out Dennis’ cricket website.
moaman
Guest
Hey Dennis: Loath mate--not loathe.Hate it when people get that wrong. ;-0
CW
Guest
Pics on Twitter show a straw colored pitch. CA says it has some cracks and little grass. Looks like the English brains trust have got to the curator. Anderson and Broad should not be all that happy. Could England have erred big time? If they do not win the toss.
zenn
Guest
The Spitfire Ground, St Lawrence, Canterbury in Kent has an oak tree on it.
Bee bee
Guest
Ha ha. Oh you blokey blokes. If you haven't had a good sook over your slightly pink parmigiana you haven't lived.
JimmyB
Guest
Sorry wtf?
Jack
Guest
Is there actually a playing field with a tree on it?
Dennis Freedman
Roar Guru
Bats-mitch 5 Stars
Dennis Freedman
Roar Guru
The Roarers are a meek bunch compared to the comments I get when published in the Indian publications.
The Bush
Roar Guru
"Are there any tickets left? I have called Chris Rogers and asked him. He hung up on me, so I reckon probably not." Classic.
Fake Mark Cosgrove
Guest
I'm so glad they constantly remind me to watch all their reality shows. As good old fashioned blokey bloke I need to watch cooking shows so i can watch women cry when they dont finish cooking their meal on time
Gryffindor Seeker
Guest
Good one Dennis, top shelf. I laughed until my wife told me to shut up. After the hammering the Roarers gave you after you wrote a serious piece this may be safer territory for you. Mind you they're a miserable bunch sometimes, so don't let it get to you.
CW
Guest
Got a good laugh out of that Dennis. The Mitch -led Baggy Greens to win handsomely.
ShaghaiDoc
Guest
Re-naming the Slave Trading Opium Pushers as Barbarians would be a travesty; barbaric even. Despite history being written by the Romans, we now know that some Barbarians. not Angles or Celts of course, were cultured and sophistricated. The New Zealand Barbarians last week beat the world's second best team; the Maori All Blacks.
Ethan Purdon
Roar Rookie
On the prescription information on medication, the new unit of measurement won't be milligrams (mg), it will be "pitches"(pt). :-)
Al
Guest
I had to have a look at the Mitch Ratings, out of curiosity. Let me share them: ICC Test Ratings (Batsmitch) 1 Mitchell Johnson (379) 2 Mitchell Starc (308) 3 Mitchell Marsh (306) ICC Test Ratings (Bowler-Mitches) 1 Mitchell Johnson (801) 2 Mitchell Starc (573) 3 Mitchell Marsh (77) Doesn't look like the Poms have any hope of cracking any of the top-Mitch lists.
Jake
Guest
So now the English are using illegal, criminal grade, devices to help them gain an advantage? Seems the English bag of dirty tricks has no bottom. They've probably asked the Murray Mints factory to start up production again too.
Barto
Guest
Maybe the English plan is to grow some "crops" on the pitch and the Australian bowlers will be too high and mellow to attack them
josh
Roar Rookie
What cultural experiance will the Ch.9 boys bring us before the days play?
Statistic Skeptic
Guest
Even better than that - they're criminal grade marijuana lamps that have been borrowed from the local copper's evidence locker... and it's not the first time they've been used.
Matlock
Guest
Great article Dennis & I'm so calling England the Barbarians from now on! ;) Bring on Edgbaston...