The Wrap: All the weekend’s rugby news, as it happened

Thursday:
Notre Dame University, Indiana; Drew Mitchell is advised by coach Michael Cheika that he isn’t in the match day 23 for Sunday’s Test against the US Eagles.

Mitchell, in desperate need of a rest following his heavy Rugby Championships schedule, is relieved.

Sydney, NSW; Australian Rugby Players Association press release endorses Cheika’s non-selection of Mitchell, citing statistics from the Wallabies recent Rugby Championships and Bledisloe Cup test matches.

“Taking into account these four matches in total, Mitchell started in one, was used off the bench in one, and wasn’t required for two. He had a total of 15 touches, including two kicks, gained a total of 61 run metres with the ball, and made two tackles.”

The release further explains, “Player welfare is a primary concern of the players association and it is essential that Drew has sufficient time to recover from his recent load. For an outside back, any more than one tackle per two matches exceeds the benchmark and, in our recommendation, Drew will benefit from a four-week recovery period.”

Friday:
Notre Dame University, Indiana; Wallabies final training session, the traditional “captain’s run”, does not go ahead as planned. The US Eagles say that this reflects typical Australian arrogance, and that if the Wallabies rate them so lowly as to not bother training ahead of the game, they are in for a nasty surprise.

The Wallabies media manager explains that training was not cancelled due to arrogance but because new skipper James Slipper was unaware that, as captain, it was up to him to organise the “captain’s run”.

Slipper is later quoted as saying “yeah, it kind of makes sense when you think about it.”

Utility back Kurtley Beale inadvertently reveals the real reason for no training, in a series of tweets; “tha boyz R all in my crib watching bro Jarryd v San Dago Chargz.”

Australia wide; Rugby fans express surprise that Beale is allowed to go on tour with a mobile phone.

Saturday:
Erindale, ACT; Third round action from the NRC features the University of Canberra Vikings versus the Greater Sydney Rams. The Vikings take out another entertaining game, scoring 8 tries to four in the process.

Sydney, NSW; ARU Spokesman responds to criticism that the NRC remains grossly underfunded, underwatched and under the radar.

“The idea that the responsibility for promoting domestic rugby in Australia rests with the ARU is, quite frankly, preposterous. The ARU is currently busy securing the success of the Wallabies by scouring the Pacific Islands for talented players who we can warehouse for the future.

“We haven’t got time to deal with the NRC, that’s Brett McKay’s job.”

Chicago, Illinois; Drew Mitchell notices a fit looking Fijian bloke wandering around in the foyer of the Wallabies hotel. Shrugs it off as a coincidence – perhaps the Fijian test side is also passing through Chicago for a world cup warm up game against the Eagles?

Mitchell enjoys a relaxing day in the windy city, taking in sweeping views atop the John Hancock building, shopping for Father’s Day on the “magnificent mile”, and catching a blues set at Buddy Guy’s Legends Bar. He wisely avoids Hungry Jacks on his way back to the team hotel.

Auckland, New Zealand; Charles Piutau notices a missed call on his mobile from a “Michael Cheika”. The name looks kind of familiar, but he’s had so many consoling calls over the last week it’s all a blur and he can’t possibly call everyone back.

Sunday:
Chicago, Illinois; Wallabies players not required for the match against the USA Eagles settle into their seats at Soldier Field and watch the Wallabies warm-up. Mitchell leans over to the player next to him and whispers “gee, Henry Speight’s bulked up a bit since I last saw him.”

A few minutes later Mitchell spots the real Henry Speight and realizes his mistake. He leans across again, “silly me, that wasn’t Speight, I got him mixed up with Kuridrani.”

As kick-off approaches Mitchell has a closer look at the bloke sitting next to him in the stands. It’s Tevita Kuridrani. He frowns and scratches his head, something doesn’t quite add up here…

Pretoria, South Africa; Heyneke Meyer, in the final stages of preparation before departing to the World Cup, remains troubled by criticism that his selected side does not meet the required 30% black player quota. He visits his local video store, takes out ‘Tropic Thunder’ and is entranced by Robert Downey Jr’s performance. His mind starts racing… surely not??

Cardiff, Wales; After a three hour stand-off, Welsh police successfully talk down a man threatening to jump to his death from the roof of Millennium Stadium. No firm identification was available at time of going to print, however a police spokesman confirmed the man, who spoke with a New Zealand accent, was clutching scarlet No.9 and No.15 jerseys, and was sobbing inconsolably.

Paris, France; Scotland and France will require new players to bolster their world cup squads after two front rowers from each side were pronounced as “missing” after they failed to reappear from underneath the Stade de France turf, after a scrum.

Chicago, Illinois; 40,000 fans threaten to riot after being denied entry to the upper tiers of Soldier Field, furious at being locked out of the game.

Drew Mitchell can’t help but notice that a second half replacement player is that same Fijian looking guy. He dives for his phone, pulls up the team photo from the Qantas Hangar announcement and, by process of elimination, tries to work out who he might be.

Immediately following the match the Wallabies’ dressing room is awash with NFL player agents, desperate to secure the next Jarryd Hayne. Nick Phipps’ accurate passing has caught the eye of a number of scouts, looking for a starting quarterback.

At his post-match press conference Cheika denies reaching out to Charles Piutau. “It’s true that we’re a bit light on for wingers in the World Cup squad but, no offence to Charles, if he’s not good enough for New Zealand he’s of no use to us. Plus, this notion that we would hand out cheap Test caps to anybody, just to lock them away for the future, well frankly that’s insulting and ridiculous.”

Sydney, NSW; Bill Pulver is in the final stages of packing for his Sydney to London flight, his computer open at the Qantas First Class “Customise your menu” page. He settles on grilled, butterflied Yabby tails with café du Paris butter and is considering a suitable matching wine when his phone rings. Yet another pesky reporter from The Roar.

“Yes, that’s right”… “no I don’t pick the side, that’s Michael Cheika’s job. I never influence selection”… “yes, warm-up match for the World Cup. Very important to get maximum game time before the tournament to bed down combinations”… “no I don’t see any contradiction there, those players are all part of the team, we’re all one big family here in Australian rugby”… ”Naiya… who sorry? Sorry mate, you’re cutting out on me…”

Chicago, Illinois; Michael Cheika brushes past Drew Mitchell on the team bus, and has a quick word on the quiet. “Drewie mate, hope you’re feeling rested, you’re going to play a key role in this World Cup.”