Brisbane: Treat Thurston like he's a New South Welshman

As I’ve stated many times now, because it terrifies me, Brisbane is on a serious mission to return to their yesteryears of premiership stockpiling, and they’ll stop at nothing to get there. Or will they?

For those unaware or who’ve chosen to forget, the Broncos’ dominance of the nineties and naughties was so rife that it wasn’t uncommon for those on a coffee run from Red Hill to be casually asked to also pick up a carton of milk and a comp.

While it wasn’t always straightforward – Karmichael Hunt sometimes returned with magic beans and Joe Kilroy with some stalk – generally the titles flowed in with workaday simplicity.

But as we know, Brisbane did turn lame. Their thieving of Sydney’s trophies stopped and the club reduced to a place so dark that they nearly busked for relevance with a Crusher.

Finally, the powerbrokers decided that eighth place finishes had become as palatable as a milkshake of Deep Heat, so they shattered the emergency glass and lured back Wayne Bennett to fulfil one simple task: clean this sh*t up.

From that moment, I knew the club was through with mediocrity. They had seen the slums and were ready to return to the standards of strength that carried Shane Perry to the realms of grand final-winning halfback.

On Saturday night, their reentry to high society gets serious with a hairy-chested qualifier against their next door neighbour from 1300 kilometres up the road, the Cowboys. Both teams are one win away from being one win away from the big one, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Spoiler alert: this means the game will be off-the-hizzay. Not only are the stakes massive, the mateship and camaraderie bastion of Queensland will attempt to cannibalise itself for everyone’s viewing pleasure, with one particular favourite in for some distinguished scrutiny.

From the obvious league tactician who brought you ‘win the middle’ and ‘complete your sets’ comes this Edison-like strategical insight for the home side.

If the Broncos are serious about earning one finger on a berth in the granny, then they will need to pin down Johnathan Thurston.

Negotiating the champion half’s terror around the ruck is one thing, but carrying it out legally is another altogether. Last I checked, the best anyone could muster to keep him fractionally quiet was to pump up the beats-per-minute on his ribs, so good luck with that.

Watching how friskily the Broncos deal with the head-geared GOAT will nearly be as interesting as what happens off the park.

I want to see how bad the Brisbane faithful at Suncorp crave this. If they are as starved as they make out, they will roll out the unwelcome mat and boost their effervescence to Defcon-1 for one of the state’s most treasured sons.

Sure, this is Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane in Queensland, the home of some of footy’s more reptilian behaviour at the best of times, but this occasion just smells different to the usual.

Make no bones, this final calls for the refined style of treatment reserved for a New South Welshmen. Pretend that Paul Gallen and Benny Elias fathered a child together who procreates with the devil and names it Mark Geyer – that’s Thurston for the night.

His life needs to be made unbearable for 80 minutes. Sure, it will feel like abusing Jesus, but this is serious! Consider when he throws that kicking tee back to the kid, he’s throwing it at him, not to him.

Bring the noise, Brisbane. For one night only, Thurston equals bad man.

Crowd incitement aside, whatever occurs, this Saturday night showdown promises to be food for the footy soul. Bloody hell, I love finals time.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve already perforated every tyre on my car so if an emergency arises, I’m immobile in front of the idiot box. Sorry, significant other, you shouldn’t have tried to trim your toenails with the circular saw, because this one is going to be memorable.

With the Broncos being one step away from being one step away from a chance to emulate the Alfie/Kevvie/Plowman days, will they go to dark places to get this win?

They will, because they just may have to.