An all star Windies XII picked on the brilliance of their names

Australia have already won the Frank Worrell Trophy 3-0. Nobody will turn up, and we will all lament the sad decline of West Indies cricket. However Caribbean cricket has one last great allure has for Australians – their ridiculously good names.

Here are 12 of the best since the 1970s.

12. Viv Richards
Formally Sir Isaac Vivian Alexander Richards, the most macho of macho West Indians single-handedly turned the feminine name ‘Vivian’ into ‘Viv’ – a statement of raw masculinity.

The name rolls of the tongue as one of an elite group who are universally known by one name, but remember that the most swag cricketer who ever swagged had a pretty girl’s name.

11. Patterson Thompson, Nixon McLean, Anderson Cummins, Carlisle Best
The 1990s decline in on-field stocks coincided with a boon for surnames as first names. The Windies selectors were busy churning through so many new players that they became altogether muddled. Obviously they kept picking ordinary players with two surnames in the hope they’d somehow provide the output of two players.

10. Richie Richardson, Patrick Patterson
West Indies cricket has always been a fan of alliteration – from legends like Gordon Greenidge to not-so-legendary types like Cameron Cuffy and Corey Colleymore. But then there’s alliteration on steroids – where the first name almost replicates the surname. In the ’80s and early ’90s Richie Richardson and Patrick Patterson were destructive cogs in Aussie-conquering teams as we wished we had the audacity to name children like our surnames.

9. Dave Mohammed, Pedro Collins, Fidel Edwards, Tino Best
The clash-of-cultures name has always been a Windies favourite, and these four give a good cross-section. Whether it be neighbouring dictators, Mexicana or Hispanic, West Indies cricket names have opened their borders to nearby cultural influences in the last 15 years.

For sheer simplicity the little-known Dave Mohammed takes the cake here. Not ‘David’, ‘Dave’.

8. Shivnarine Chanderpaul
The stance that faced square-leg, the marking of the guard by hammering the bail into the pitch, the anti-glare stickers under his eyes – so idiosyncratic that you forget about his name. Just when you think you’ve got it pegged, it turns another corner. There’s more twists and turns than a Hollywood thriller.

Have you ever belted out ‘Chanderpaul’ instead of ‘Wonderwall’ in a drunken singalong? Do it, it feels really good.

7. Kraigg Brathwaite
It’s called bogan baby-naming here, but when it comes to West Indian cricketers it’s a-okay by me. The new generation represented with not one but two needless spelling change flourishes on the standard ‘Craig’. Couple that with a surname that speaks of sequin jumpsuits to a generation of Australians and an inexplicable soft-rock anthem for a newer, musically tasteless generation, and you have a bright light to lead the Windies out of the mire.

6. Curtly Ambrose
I’m not sure if there’s been a more apt name for a more lethal bowler: Ambrose is a sleek surname that mirrors his striding to the crease. Curtly was the permanent demeanour of the silent assassin with the permanent death stare only broken into rage by those stupid enough to ask him to remove his wristbands or those with an unhealthy fascination with green fabric.

Amidst the inane (‘Belt that up ya ginger’), racist (‘Curry muchers’) and only-just-funny-the first-time idea of fitting as many players’ surnames into one nonsensical sentence (something about a ‘Warne-ing of Waugh’) that was ’80s and ’90s crowd signs came one gem:

‘How do you speak to a seven-foot tall West Indian? Curtly’.

5. Faoud Bacchus
Another back-up to the greats, Bacchus wore a unique helmet that was the equivalent of his name. In the early ’80s, Australia had its own ‘Bacchus’ in Rod Marsh. The West Indies effortlessly one-upped “You call him Bacchus mon? Yeah we got a Bacchus too, but it’s his real name mon.”

4. Eldine Baptiste
I’ve never heard of anyone called Eldine and I’ve never heard of anyone called Baptiste. Vaguely feminine, vaguely biblical, wholly brilliant. A classic fill-in of the powerful mid-80s generation, brought out for one-dayers who had nothing like the talent of his peers, but stood tall when it came to his name.

3. Elquemedo Willett
Confession: I had no idea who Elquemedo Willet was before I went to Wikipedia on the topic, but I’ve never heard anything more exquisite. The left-arm orthodox played three Tests against the 1973 Australians, but the tragedy of the West Indies pace battery coming to the fore was that this bloke never toured Australia.

If only they’d been a little more liberal in taking never-used spinners on tours, Elquemedo could have been the household name in this country that, say, Roger Harper is.

2. Floyd Reifer
Okay this is just a cheap cultural stereotype, forget it.

1. Jeffrey Dujon
The granddaddy of them all, that fact he’s never been called ‘Jeff’ or ‘Dujon’ tells a story – he’s only ever been Jeffrey Dujon, and that’s because every human relishes saying ‘Jeffrey Dujon’. Bringing a French flourish to Calypso cricket gets him the number one spot, and hands up if every time you read ‘dijon sauce’ on a restaurant menu you think of the West Indies keeper-batsmen?

Honourable nentions
Alvin Kallicharran, Albert Padmore, Vasbert Drakes, Vanburn Holder and Larry Gomes*

*Note: the wistfulness associated with his name may be more influenced by his hair and striking similarity to John Oates.