Should Leonardo DiCaprio again be overlooked for Oscar honours after his stellar work in The Revenant, there are fears among the showbiz industry that he will be ultimately defined as the Usman Khawaja of Hollywood.
See how far this has gone now?
The reaches of the latest inexplicable neglect of Khawaja knows no bounds, its poignancy allegedly transcending even the insular circles of A-List royalty to now position itself as a lofty measuring stick for one of the award season’s great anomalies.
Allegedly.
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Yes, this is the heartbreaking story of a man who has produced a litany of blockbuster performances to only have the Australian selectors savage him like an unfed, randy bear. It is a fable with undeniable worldly appeal, and mountains of screenplays are only a matter of time.
Since Khawaja’s smoking blade was ungraciously flicked at Rod Marsh’s uneasy squad announcement on Monday, a violent moshpit of debate has raged so loudly that I can now experience headaches from a three-second portion of light Bach.
How can the batting savant of 2016 – a man who hugs his neck with a hipster top button yet acts nothing like a hipster – be treated like a hipster should, that being frequently terribly?
How can one honest man’s hide be loaded with so many spikes from the rough end of many, many pineapples? Do we even have that many pineapples?
As a topic that’s never ever ever been discussed before on this fine website, let’s recap the speculation and conspiracies.
Despite Khawaja’s sumptuous strokeplay and a mass of runs that have entrenched him in the upper crust of state runs columns, selectors have long perceived him as detrimentally lethargic, a reluctant peddler of booze, and not a Marsh.
In addition to this, whenever they’ve compassionately caved to give him a shot, the powers-that-be have also creatively manipulated his limited experiences within the national program.
They’ve plucked him from the Big Bash to bat at 13 for Australia, flown him on numerous overseas tours to guard equipment, and even arranged to have his knee blow itself out. Again, allegedly. But it’s probably true.
Stacked auspiciously and inflated with hyperbole, Khawaja’s is a metronomic series of unjust confidence hammerblows. But despite a few pockets of hardy supporters and conspiracy theorists over the journey, his plight hasn’t captured the entire nation’s hearts. Including mine.
It’s nothing personal, it’s just that we sceptics learned long ago that the national selection panel is a caucus of the darkest, coldest hearts known to man with a warped logic and reasoning that Sigmund Freud wouldn’t take an appointment for.
We’re all too aware they baffle for fun and Khawaja isn’t immune.
But after his recent glut of visual wonderment and bowler torture, us dormants have decided that this joke has gone too far. We are all up in arms, on board with the message and shouting in unison that his 36th and latest shunning is actually unjustifiable and bloody shameful.
Why? Because now leaving Khawaja out of the side not only hurts him, it also hurts us. And this hurts me, because I’m not into the business of frowning, because frowning is for jerks.
As Australians who care deeply about the success of our beloved national cricket team, unreasonably tying their results to our moods and making mountains out of their molehills, we’ve realised our team would be stratospherically improved with Khawaja’s current superhumanism.
His current patch is one that should not only usurp Aaron Finch or George Bailey, it demands that you rotate out Sir Don. It’s a simple philosophy of the game – when something is braining everything that moves, don’t leave it at home. Allow it to continue braining things, like New Zealanders.
So that’s why we’re all 100 per cent on board. The mistreatment of Khawaja has gone on far too long now that something has made us realise it’s gone on far too long.
Sure, his continued series of inexplicable exclusions may hurt him personally, but who cares? It’s not about him anymore. We are all worse off for Khawaja being somewhere else other than New Zealand for these short-form matches.
Unless you stream Shield matches – and you’re a sicko if you do – not only will we be deprived of the man’s eye-watering purple patch of form, Australia will need to make up around 150 rapid runs per innings to compensate for his absence. Give or take.
Bad decision, selectors. Your discrimination not only hurts Uz, it also hurts us.
Chucka
Guest
"How can one honest man’s hide be loaded with so many spikes from the rough end of many, many pineapples? Do we even have that many pineapples?" I think the bigger question is which end is the rough end?
IndianCricketFan
Guest
You just wouldn't go away! All the Kashmiris and almost all of India and Pakisan are of same ancestory, and are Indians who lived near the river Indus. Kashmiris were forced to convert to Islam by a king, who himself was a convert and did that to strengthen his hold on his subjects. It was a change of religion not a change of culture. All the people living in the mountains ofc had their own local dialects and preferences. I can't help anyone if they think the divisions caused in the last 70 years are an excuse for rewriting history which is more than 5000 years old. Also it doesn't help the fact that people celebrate the Arab invaders that massacred millions but not even say one good thing about the people who fought them. Maybe try reading some actual history rather than the propaganda fed to you. I see you very conveniently failed to mention the ethnic cleansing of Kashmiri pandits- yes the people who shared the same culture as you but were forced to flee their motherland because they decided not to convert and forget their past.
irfan
Guest
We aren't Indians, that is an insult to our culture and heritage, and when we say we aren't amongst you, which is culturally as well as visually evident to all, what is this non- sense forced retention and forced possession, you should be ashamed of yourselves, and yes one thing we love Pakistan, when Pakistan beats India nothing else can give us more joy.
Don Freo
Guest
Always the voice of reason, Kev. It's just that, sometimes, you don't like the reasons.
Red Kev
Roar Guru
You know the Khawaja-Krazies are out of control when you're forcing me to side with Don Freo because he's the voice of reason on a topic!
IndianCricketFan
Guest
Race? This is pure comedy gold! Indians (yes that's a race) is the 'race' of Kashmiris and all other people who have lived near the Indus river for more than 5,000 years! Or maybe you could be talking about all the other tribes that came to Kashmir after 1947 from all over Pakistan. Even they can trace their ancestry to the original Harappan civilisation. Please, let's just stop arguing over all this on an article that has no relevance to it. Thank you!
irfan
Guest
You are right, that might be the case in Australia where cricket is just a game , while you can have a welcome re visit to the subcontinent and find how people take the game, and watching Indian people faces after they lose which they often do is something that provides a lot relief to our wounds. I assure you in all other cases we are intelligent enough to perceive sports in a way it should be
irfan
Guest
Also I forgot to mention that there were lot of fingers showing up for Indian fielders all around the stadium, and that weren't thumbs.
irfan
Guest
So now we have Mr anveer giving the final verdict about a race that has sacrificed more that 100000 of its me members. Staying with cricket only twice has international teams toured to Srinagar ( the capital of kashmir)to play cricket against India, Australia and west indies, both in 80s. While India was supposed to be the home team, west Indian team was taken aback to see local support and cheers that got and skipper vivan Richards/ Clive Lloyd summed it up by saying we have not seen a better support in west indies ever before.
Paul D
Roar Guru
Wow, you're really grasping at straws now.
IndianCricketFan
Guest
Yes Bearfax! I live in some safety in the capital of the state of Punjab, that has recently been at the receiving end of terrorist attacks. But just last week the French President visited the city and the residents are getting on with their lives and are trusting the police. The point is that people should not stop living their lives and Australian cricketers shouldn't stop going to Bangladesh or even India, if the security arrangements are satisfactory.
Aransan
Guest
That will have to go down as one of the classics Don.
anon
Guest
The coach of the Australian team racially abused members of the Sri Lankan team years back. I don't think racists suddenly reform overnight.
Don Freo
Guest
Have your mates told you that Rod Marsh hasn't lived in WA since the 1970s? The "multiple players" in suburban 6th grade probably don't know for sure. To claim that a first class player would tell you that, especially multiple players, is pure comedy. As if they would all engage with you on that topic. "Oh, here comes Pepper Jack! I must tell him about how selection works." Steve Smith was so excited. "Stand aside!" cried Mitchell Starc, "I'm gonna tell him first." "I'm next," pleaded Peter Nevill. Before long, the whole team was explaining how Trevor Hohns knew all about reverse swing but Mark Waugh couldn't help with bowling because he only faced it...never did it. Pepper was so excited, he wet his iPad as he tried to type his compelling proof to show Don Freo.
Don Freo
Guest
Anon, neither Marsh is blonde or blonde tipped and Shaun is a very quiet, shy man. What stereotype will you resort to now? By the way, if you ever watch cutaways to Ussie in the team rooms (and, surprise, surprise, he IS in the team) he is always laughing and mucking around. Obviously very popular with his team mates...as are Shaun and Mitch. Maybe there is no conspiracy at all.
Bearfax
Guest
I accept your point ICF and its really sad that these crazies espousing this fringe distorted version of Islam and using it it kill anyone they dont agree with, are having such an impact World wide. I'm sure the Indian Government is doing all it can to stop this sacrilegious madness. But it must cause concern for anyone prominent, such as in sport, and well promoted with specific agendas that can be easily followed, to not be targeted, especially when they are geographically so close to the problem areas. Your point is well taken that we shouldnt bow to these criminals, but I am safe her in Oz and I assume you probably live in some safety. Easy for us to say that when we dont have to take the risks.
Tana Mir
Roar Rookie
Anveer, what's this got to do with cricket?!? Plenty of forums on Indian sites where this rubbish will be welcome.
Tana Mir
Roar Rookie
Anon, your comment/rant is just disgraceful. You have no idea the support khawaja has received from CA. You talk of class and humility. How about you show some yourself.
IndianCricketFan
Guest
No country is safe in the current environment. If we start bowing down to terrorists and stop getting on with our normal lives, the terrorists have won! The Sydney terror attacks happened just last year so people can say Australia is also not a safe place. Of course that is not true and it is one of the safest places on the planet. The situation in India has improved a lot recently, apart from some border areas that have seen a lot of cross-border attacks from terrorists based in Pakistan. Bangladesh is a peculiar problem, a lot of intelligence reports from India state that Westerners and Indians are a target over there and should avoid visiting the country, but then again England and New Zealand don't think it is a problem and are satisfied with the security arrangements. But I can understand the caution from the Australians, the world is scared because of some nutty savages!
Pepper Jack
Guest
No, my comment is 100% correct. I have had multiple players tell me this is how it works. You are the self appointed expert, ask your mates in WA how it works. They will tell you I am right. I We can't criticise Rod Marsh though, he's from WA