The new and improved NRL Code of Conduct

If one is going to have a code of conduct, it could be argued, it should be one that has some kind of noticeable effect on behaviour. And in this respect the NRL’s current code isn’t really doing the trick.

It is time to give it a bit of a spruce-up, to implement a code of conduct that can get real results by addressing the key issues and pressing challenges facing the modern footballer, in a sensitive and understandable way. It’s time for this code.

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1. This code of conduct is to be considered to apply to your conduct as a professional rugby league player. As such, please read past this sentence. Or if necessary, have someone read it to you.

2. Alcohol is a fun and easy way to relax and enjoy time with friends and/or strangers. The NRL appreciates the vital role alcohol plays as a social lubricant for those players who find their social life insufficiently lubricated. However, we must stress that alcohol should always be consumed responsibly. What does this mean? Several things, including:

• Whenever asked about alcohol consumption, make sure you say that you are in favour of consuming alcohol responsibly. When the subject of irresponsible consumption is raised, make it clear that you are opposed to it.
• Don’t drink and drive. Make sure that when you drive, it’s after you’ve finished drinking, and before you start drinking again. Also, when out in a group, one member should be made the designated driver, who should keep to no more than four or five drinks per hour.
• Use ‘the leg test’ to determine whether you’ve had too much to drink: when you’re no longer sure whether or not you have legs, it’s time to pace yourself.
• Try not to turn up to training drunk more than once a month.

3. Punching someone on the field can get you suspended, but we all know that sometimes it’s worth it. It’s important to remember that this doesn’t apply to ordinary people you might meet in the street or at a bar or in your bedroom. When you’re out and bout, try to follow the three Ns:

Normality

Niceness

Not punching people

The three Ns are commonsense guidelines that work in a symbiotic fashion: when you’re being nice to people, you’re less likely to punch them, and when you don’t punch them, you’ll be acting like a normal person. I know many of you will be saying, “But I’m not a normal person”, and that’s true: you are an elite athlete. But you’ll find you’ll get in a lot less trouble if you act like a normal person, and that means not beating people up.

It also needs to be stressed that this applies even to people who deserve it.

4. Sometimes you will meet women who do not want to have sex with you. I know, I know… That’s a very counter-intuitive fact for you to have to face. It doesn’t seem quite possible. But for whatever perverse reason, some of them don’t.

So it will be necessary for you, when meeting women, to find a way to tell the difference between the ones who want to have sex with you and the ones who don’t. There are right ways and wrong ways to go about this. Some of the wrong ways include:

• Having sex with them
• Getting all your friends to have sex with them
• Texting them pictures of your genitalia
• Texting them pictures of your friends’ genitalia
• Passing out on top of them
• Groping them in a nightclub
• Purchasing a lap dance from them

Some of the right ways include:

• saying, “Would you like to have sex with me?”

Once this process has been completed, if it turns out that the woman in question does not, in fact, want to have sex with you, a good option is to not have sex with her. Try to exercise this option at every opportunity.

5. Racism is a sensitive topic in our society, and negotiating the intricacies of race relations can sometimes be tricky. Often rugby league players will find themselves at a crossroads, where they have the choice to use racial slurs, or to not use racial slurs. It’s not always easy to know which choice to take, but a good rule of thumb is: choose the one where you don’t use racial slurs.

It is helpful to decide early on in your rugby league career whether you’re a racist or not. If you’re not one, every chance you get you should try to not act like one. If you are one, that’s still a pretty good idea.

6. The NRL is implementing strict rules regarding the treatment of dogs. These rules take the form of a comprehensive list of dos and don’ts regarding acceptable actions to make towards dogs:

Do: give them a nice pat.

Don’t: do anything else to them whatsoever.

These rules should also be considered to hold true for other animals, including but not limited to: cats, cows, horses, mice, kangaroos, wombats, snakes, wolves, lizards, cockroaches, goats, gerbils, budgies, giraffes, rabbits and ostriches.

7. If you’re in any doubt about any part of this code of conduct, just stay home and read a book for god’s sake.