How rugby league failed the Anzac Test

Anzac Day is a very special occasion on the Trans-Tasman calendar. It’s a day when all Australians and New Zealanders take a moment to reflect and give thanks to those who bravely served their country and protected our cherished way of life.

Everyone commemorates this annual event and pays their respects in different ways. Some of us shed a tear through bleary eyes as the Last Post echoes around a dawn service.

Others grab an Esky and head for the beach, their Southern Cross tattoo proudly peeking out the side of a faded Bonds singlet. And some get together with friends or family and head to the local RSL for a spot of two-up, a few schooners and some rugby league. What could be more Australian?

Now I don’t want to tell Todd Greenberg how to do his job – that’s what Phil Gould was put on this Earth to do – but I think I’ve come up with a great way for the NRL to honour the diggers on Anzac Day.

Why don’t we pay homage to the sacrifices all those brave young men and women have made for their country by putting on an annual Test Match between Australia and New Zealand? We could even call it the Anzac Test. What a fantastic idea, the fans will love it!

Hang on, don’t we already have an Anzac Test? But according to my calendar it isn’t happening until May. Oh well, I’m sure the NRL has come up with an equally fitting tribute.

Actually, the NRL marks this special occasion by honouring the mighty Dragons and Roosters, celebrating the ultimate sacrifice these clubs made in service of their country. Wait, that just doesn’t sound right. I’m no historian, but if my memory from Year 8 history and Saving Private Ryan is even remotely accurate, I don’t think the famous Tri Colours featured at the Battle of the Somme. And I am pretty sure the Big Red V didn’t see any action in Gallipoli.

So why exactly do fans get force fed this fabricated sentiment of the Roosters versus Dragons Anzac Day blockbuster? Why can’t we have an Anzac Test on Anzac Day?

The reason, as far as I understand it, is that the responsibility for generating the NRL schedule sits in the unqualified hands of a collection of peanuts dressed in cheap Italian suits. These are men you wouldn’t trust to run a bath, let alone plan a season of rugby league.

You know who I am talking about, those bottom feeders of society who make your skin crawl at the very mention of their profession – television executives. So why would an organisation like the National Rugby League allow a group of slippery media moguls to dictate how its product is presented? Good question.

In America, the NFL dedicates an entire department to creation of the schedule each year. This group receives feedback from all 32 teams, which can include anything from cold weather squads not wanting to play in the Florida heat, to clubs wanting to keep certain weekends free so they can secure touring musical acts. Last year they even had to tinker with the schedule to ensure no games clashed with a visit from the Pope!

To create the NFL schedule, a computer randomly generates a full slate of 256 games, and this sub-committee carefully scrutinises each version until they reach a unanimous decision on a line-up they can all live with. This year, over the course of 13 weeks, the computer spat out 43,066 options before the team found one that fit the bill.

So with this level of commitment and dedication to excellence in mind, how does the National Rugby League come up with its final schedule? Surely with only half the number of teams, a fresh billion in the kitty, and some of the brightest footballing minds in the country, a similar process is undertaken?

From what I understand, the NRL schedule is finalised as follows. A team of five executives from Channel Nine block out an entire Friday afternoon, and convene at the Golden Sheaf in Double Bay. After the chicken schnitzels are cleared away and the first round of pale ale is under the belt, it’s time to get to work.

This is when the magic happens. First up, pencil the Broncos in for every Friday night game: an easy place to start. Secondly, lock the Titans in for Saturday night games and the Knights in for Mondays. No one goes to those games anyway. Bam! Now they’re on a roll. But now the hard part, filling in the blanks – time for another round of beers.

Silence permeates the pub as everyone stares at their Julius Marlow loafers. Then someone timidly suggests “What about a few themed rounds?”, and the Sheaf erupts into raucous applause.

The nearest waiter is immediately hailed to fetch another round of beers to celebrate. In an instant, we have the Marvel Super Hero Round, the Heritage Round, and the Rivalry Round. “And let’s not forget minorities” chimes in a painfully pale male executive, so they chuck in Indigenous Round and Women in League Round. Suddenly the draw is taking some shape.

As the Coopers continues to flow, the afternoon quickly degenerates into obnoxiously loud renditions of Glory, Glory to South Sydney. The remaining weekends of football are filled at random, with decisions often based on who would win in a fight between the two team mascots.

The execs almost come to blows when arguing about how exactly a Cowboy would fight a Storm. As night transforms into early morning, the lubricated lads are poured into corporately funded company cars by their drivers. Suddenly someone shouts out “We forgot about the Anzac Test!” “Just stick it in Representative Round,” comes a reply before the slamming of a car door. And thus, the proud heritage of the Anzac Test lives on.

The National Rugby League is shortly due to regain control of the schedule from the corporate buffoons in TV land. I hope that those put in charge of creating the draw apply a modicum of common sense and foresight when it comes to issues like the Anzac Test.

Rather than trying to create tradition, why not simply celebrate our history? Perhaps I will send Todd Greenberg a little reminder closer to the date, lest he forget.

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