If there’s one phrase guaranteed to get any sports fan excited, it’s “Ian Baker-Finch thinks”. When the grand old man of Australian golfing failure speaks, the world listens.
So it’s no surprise that this week the world’s ears are at maximum prickage, after the 1994 Masters 10th-place-getter pleaded that the Olympic golf format be changed to a team event, to prevent the sport’s big names from pulling out as well-known patriotism-hater Adam Scott recently did.
Baker-Finch’s logic is impeccable: if golf stars knew that by withdrawing, they were letting down their teammates, instead of just their country, they would play in the Olympics, and golf would be the prince of sports and so forth.
It’s a provocative idea worthy of discussion, and I thank Baker-Finch for putting it into play, unlike his first tee shot at St Andrews in 1995. But as impressive as Baker-Finch’s plan is, I think I’ve come up with an ever better way to prevent high-profile golfers from giving the Olympics a miss.
How about… not having golf in the Olympics?
I know, right? It’s so simple it’s brilliant! By not having golf in the Olympics, we make it not just difficult, but impossible for golfers to skip the Olympics.
Plus there’s the added benefit that we don’t have to see something as stupid as Olympic golf happen! Win-win-win, baby!
Sure, Gary Player says Adam Scott should play in the Olympics, but that’s easy for Gary Player to say, because he is an idiot. Adam Scott should not play in the Olympics, because for all those hard-working athletes who dedicate their lives to obsessively training for a once-every-four-years shot at the absolute pinnacle of their sport, to see a bunch of multi-millionaires breeze into the Games as a bit of fun in between playing the tournaments that they actually care about is something of an insult.
So. Next time, let’s kick golf out of the Olympics and watch in wonder as the entire world is a slightly better place as a result, and Adam Scott doesn’t have to make any more painful and easy decisions. Problem solved.
In fact, while we’re here, let’s sort some other stuff out to make the Olympics better.
Firstly, the number of sports that shouldn’t be there doesn’t stop with golf. There needs to be a certain cleaning out of the clutter at the Olympiad. Tennis should be the first head on the block – how dumb is it when you hear about a “gold medal-winning tennis player”? They have four elite tournaments every year and every tennis player on earth would rather make the round of 16 in any one of them than win an Olympic final. There are Volvo commercials that mean more to most tennis players than the Olympics. Get it out.
Also, let’s kick out (zing!) football. Not only does football have a World Cup that’s bigger than the Olympics anyway, but Olympic football is played by junior development squads. What the hell kind of showcase is that? Football doesn’t take the Olympics seriously: the Olympics should return the favour and boot it.
We could probably also get rid of basketball – as I said, the Olympics should be the absolute pinnacle of the sport, and although I’m sure Olympic basketballers love representing their country, the Games can’t really compete with NBA draft day.
But it’s not just removing sports that we have to do to improve the Olympics. The second part of the operation is adding sports that should be there. Like, for example, tug of war.
Tug of war was in the Games from 1900-1920, and god only knows why it was ever taken out. What sport better epitomises the quest for physical perfection that the Olympics exists to exalt? A classic contest of strength and technique that pushes its participants to the very edge of their tolerance for rope burn, tug of war is a far purer athletic pursuit than many sports currently included, and a better spectacle too – what would you rather watch, a tug of war or rhythmic gymnastics? Uh huh.
Also, let’s bring back Basque pelota, which was in the Games in 1900 and is one of the sporting world’s most exhilarating and skilful sports, not to mention the very real possibility of fatalities, something the Olympics have really lacked the last few times.
And, obviously, rock paper scissors, arm-wrestling and American Ninja Warrior.
OK, so we’ve kicked the bad sports out, we’ve put the good sports in. But what we also need to make the Olympics all they could be is making the other sports better. There are many great sports in the Olympiad, but there’s always room for improvement. Just for starters:
Archery needs to be conducted on horseback.
Conversely, equestrian events should take place on foot.
Hockey needs to abolish all rules against violence.
Hurdles should be at least twice as high.
Javelin and synchronised swimming must be merged into a single sport.
Swimming pools should be filled with those fish that eat dead skin off your feet.
Shooters should be blindfolded and spun around three times before aiming.
Snipers along marathon route.
Diving events to be held on actual waterfalls.
Maybe after we do this, we can finally have an Olympic Games worth watching, right?
Johnno
Guest
chivas but that's all he did, win the British Open, he only won 1 major then faded. He wasn't as great as Ernie Els, and he certainly wasn't a Toger woods or jack nickalous. His career of only 1 major, he didn't do much on the golf course compared to some. He didn't win more.
Johnno
Guest
The Olympics problem now is so many sports have outside events that have more value than the Olympics, so the Olympics in modern terms has been a devalued a bit. When you lock it down and think about it, the whole thing for the modern world the Olympics is a farcical event. Many sports now have strong world cups/world championships with good audiences that the Olympics rolled in with a host of other sports all at once seems silly and farcical. Plus now with pro sports, athletes make so much money from so many different tournaments within there sport and money to some of those sports, that the Olympics feels like another tour event or tournament. Ice Hockey is now considering turning the Olympics into an under-21's or under-23's event like soccer. But even under-23's soccer at the olympics is farcical. It's not a youth world cup, soccer has that via the under-20's, under-23's(olyroos etc) is a type of team that doesn't stand for anything. Your not young young by 21-23. Many are seasoned pros who have been to one even 2 senior world cups by then. Plus the 3 senior player rule allowed for each team, Olympic soccer is a joke when you think about it properly. Basketball world cup is moving to 32-teams in 2019, Olympics only allows 12-teams, so many of the better sides from Europe don't even go to the Olympics, where as some of the weaker African sides to. All in all the Olympics is a bit of joke, and so many areas of it's sport are devalued and struggling to connect to the modern world now of sport. It's like a food court in a shopping mall, or a world expo/jamboree a travel expo or boat show.
jameswm
Roar Guru
Yeah the basketball adds a massive star factor to the Games.
jameswm
Roar Guru
IBF is a legend, but that doesn't mean you can't have a bit of a crack at him.
jameswm
Roar Guru
Agreed on golf, and I'd say the same about football. Keep women's football. I also agree on judges, but I'd like to keep gymnastics, and probably diving.
Cowboyfan
Guest
Agree. IBF is a legend.
OJP
Guest
nice work Ben, loved the IBF cracks and the possible inclusions / alternations to existing sports, with tug o war being my personal fave; my money would be on the teams from the pacific islands who I suspect would take some beating. I understand the purpose of the column is to entertain (mission accomplished on that score) but I reckon you are wrong about Basketball; ever since the Dream Team turned out at the 92 Olympics, the US have sent very strong squads to the Olympics, LeBron, Kobe, Wade, Chris Paul etc etc and everyone else has relished the chance to have a crack at knocking them off. I was at the semi finals in Sydney and for a little while there in the second half, it looked like Lithuania were going to beat the US - that would have been a massive achievement and the highlight of those Lithuanian players careers without doubt. Oh, and no snipers on the marathon route; maybe deploy a few hundred teenage boys armed with 10 water balloons each along the route and tell them to pick their targets ? finally +1 to Tyrone above re the judged events
chivasdude
Guest
Ben, I know your writing style is tongue in cheek and I generally enjoy your efforts. I just don't know why you felt it necessary to call a legend like Gary Player an idiot and make fun of IBF. IBF won a British Open, was a great golf ambassador for Australia and is a classy guy who unfortunately developed the yips and had to retire early. Unnecessary commentary even if you meant it as a joke. The rest of the article made your point humorously clear without this. Golf should not be in the Olympics because those Games should represent the pinnacle for participating sports. If we must have golf, then have the amateurs or juniors. Enough said.
richo
Guest
entertaining reading, and I learnt new things! thank you
Rabbitz
Roar Guru
Gold
Objective
Guest
This is gold. So many possibilities: A bucking vaulting horse. A couple of great whites into a 50m saltwater pool. Maybe let a bull mastiff or two out of a cage at the start of the 100m. Then watch the records tumble.
tyrone
Guest
female golf should stay, the LPGA girls are excited to play, drop the mens. I would get rid of any event that requires judges. Winners of an event should be definable, fastest, strongest etc. This means only the athlete can cheat, not a judge.
While we're at it
Guest
Couldn't agree more Ben. I love sports, well pretty much all sports (you can keep synchronised swimming), but to have golf & tennis at the Olympics is a joke. As you state these guys have year round opportunities to promote themselves and their sports, as well as earn ridiculous amounts of money in doing so. Here's an idea. Lets not have prizemoney at the 4 major golf or tennis grand slam events, pool that money, and divide it equally amongst all athletes in the Village. No? What they won't do it? But surely they play for the glory not the $$$$? Anyway, just a thought.