Forget all the negative palaver about New South Wales and their imaginary chances of Origin success this year. After one epiphany and 12 whiskies, I’m certain this side is set to win 3-0!
That’s right, one penalty goal plus one inappropriate field goal, and then a wall of defence to make Donald Trump proud will power the Blues to victory tonight by the grand scoreline of three-to-bloody-nil.
Probably lose the series, though.
It’s hardly stylish, or the objective, but hey, you can’t beg the waiter for extra hollandaise when you’re starving.
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Nevertheless, it’s all about tonight. In total utter seriousness, I’ve got a feeling the Blues are set to take away something from the opening game of the series.
While I’m not sure if it will be a series advantage, an encouraging performance or just turf rash, I can guarantee it will at least be a late finish.
Down here in the south, we’ve spent all week wailing about Laurie Daley’s underwhelming team and how our imbalanced stocks seem like they’ve been administered a half-paid plastic surgery job – stacked in some areas and horribly lean in others.
Some have demanded we start recruiting players from English Super League, while others have bemoaned the proliferation of the arts for luring the youth away from contact sports and into weird stuff like easels and thinking.
But despite the scourge of culture taking away much-needed taxpayer dollars from our multi-million dollar game, leaving our footy team unable to defend a goal-line, I’m still catchin’ feels that the Blues are set to put some lead back in the pencil tonight.
But how will they do it, and in what fashion will the papers overblow their achievements?
Here are some of tomorrow’s possible headlines trumpeting how we sent the grimy hoodrats back to their evil electorate with a reality check and a deficit.
Mission accomplished: Blues avoid series whitewash
New South Wales clinch victory in the opening match of the series to force an unlikely decider, thus extending the lucrative news cycle covering Queensland’s dubious injuries.
Daley’s loose cannons fire from the pine
Queensland feel the huge impact of Andrew Fifita and David Klemmer as the pair combine for under 12 penalties.
Not only do the two toey torpedoes wreak havoc with their crude carries and barbaric defence, they provide scant respect for some of the Maroons’ aged, sledging Nate Myles as “pescetarian” and labelling Corey Parker a “soccer mum”.
Their uncouth behaviour frees up Greg Bird, leaving him with little to do other than play football.
Walker’s on, Walker’s on, Walker’s on
Blues coach Laurie Daley pulls an inconceivable tactical masterstroke by finding someone appropriate on the paddock to substitute for Dylan Walker.
Not only does this importantly reprise Nathan Brown’s famous line about scotch, it also serves as an important lesson on how to coolly operate when at the end of Bozo’s gunpoint.
Adam Reynolds is the answer
The svelte kicking game of the Rabbitohs halfback kicks the Maroons into submission, keeping them pinned for most of the night in their half, a land so foreign they call for a Gregory’s at halftime.
After this match-winning contribution, Daley is enamoured by the advantages of an astute kicking game and vows to continue implementing the tactic in future.
It’s a late penny-drop from the coach that leads to a trending nickname of ‘Laurie Delay’.
Moylan’s once-in-a-half-decade talents stand up on big stage
Missing the attacking prowess of Josh Dugan after an arthroscope showed up ink in the joints, the debut Panther’s attacking interjections into the beige Blues attack prove invaluable. The assured performance of the Penrith skipper is so unquestionably cool, calculated and beginning to bald, his attorneys enact a retrospective copyright infringement suit on Darren Lockyer.
Ferguson’s redemption story complete
Except for trespassing out of position in the defensive line, the reborn Rooster breaks no laws in the Origin opener, thus completing a full and complete redemption from his pork-chop past.
First on hand to congratulate Ferguson post-match was former Sharks teammate and noted cleanskin Paul Gallen. So enthusiastic to praise the exemplary behaviour of the game’s latest law-abider, the skipper makes the special trip from Peter Sterling’s throat to be first to shake his hand.
Tom Rock
Expert
Dane, your Gregory's reference took me on a magical journey back in time to the ancient age of the early 2000s. Good show.
Clinen
Guest
3-0 gave me a laugh - only the blues would kick a field goal when leading by 2 - and that's coming from a new south welshman.
steveng
Roar Rookie
One thing that I fear, is that statements like this; 'Adam Reynolds is the answer' are going to put too much pressure on Adam, in his first SOO game. Hope that Adam does well and he can fulfill all that NSW expect of him and fore mostly he doesn't get injured in the process of the blues game, we need you at the Rabbitohs Adam!
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Old Maroons yell at Blue cloud
MAX
Guest
JC Dane, Patrick Effeney, clad in maroon pulls rank and assigns you the dregs with all the appeal of having your last on a South African dish licker and the power goes off half way down the straight. Comparatively, it was no contest but with one reservation. Hallucinations! Your piece, brilliant though it be, reads as though you copped a minder pass from Corey Norman and consumed the contents of the container. The Blues would each need a shipping container of it to contain the Maroons. QLD by 7+
Thor
Guest
'Grand kicks youth in the guts'....
Red Dog
Guest
You have seen the movie" The Castle" Dane ?
WQ
Guest
You forgot, 'QLD's team full of Grandpa's flogged by youthful NSW team'