It often happens that during the Rugby Championship, or as it is known in my household, The Killing Season, I am moved to jot down a few words on the methods and techniques that I believe the Wallabies would be well-advised to adopt, should they wish to defeat the All Blacks.
I am no professional rugby coaching expert, but as an amateur spectator I certainly believe I know more than pretty much everyone on what the team’s been doing wrong.
Every year it becomes harder and harder to come up with these suggestions, but I think this year we may just have hit the wall when it comes to armchair punditry. There’s just nowhere to go.
After the first game last weekend, the only way to offer constructive advice to the Wallabies would be in the form of a list as follows:
Or to put it in a nutshell, the only tactic Australia can possibly adopt if they want to beat the All Blacks this year is to be entirely different people.
And it’s not that this is necessarily a bad idea in theory, it’s just difficult to execute in practice. Or rather, it’s not so much that it’s difficult to execute, it’s just that with current technology, the only way to execute is to take the current group of people away and replace them with another group of already-existing people. And that is a risky move, because the replacement group is probably going to be just as bad as, if not worse than – OK, probably not “worse” given what we saw last Saturday – the incumbents.
Ideally, what we want is some kind of surgical procedure to turn the current men who play rugby for Australia into men who are better at playing rugby for Australia. But scientists say such a procedure is years, possibly decades, away.
Performance-enhancing drugs? Yes, this seems to be the obvious solution. But again, technology constrains us – chemists have as yet been unable to develop a drug powerful enough to enable a win by this Wallaby side against this New Zealand side. Not that I’m saying the Wallabies shouldn’t take drugs, of all kinds – it can hardly hurt. But I don’t think there’s any drug that makes a man better at catching a football. Ritalin maybe?
So let’s be honest with ourselves. For the foreseeable future, Australian rugby fans are stuck with a team made up of Australian rugby players, and as unsatisfactory as this state of affairs is, there’s precious little we can do to change it.
On the other hand, there are things we can do on the other side of the ledger: we can’t make the Wallabies better, but we can make the All Blacks worse. Sure, our first attempt – putting a bug in their hotel room – didn’t work, but that was just because it was a stupid idea.
We can look to the 1995 Springboks as the exemplar of Kiwi-nobbling strategies: their cunning food poisoning-based game plan won the World Cup for Matt Damon and his loyal men. Australia can learn a lot from this. Not that we can use food poisoning again: every All Black squad now employs a full-time food taster to avoid a repeat of ’95.
But after all, food is not the only delivery vector for poison. Darts, for example, can be deployed with great effect in sporting scenarios. All you need is to get your man within blowing distance of a NZ training session. There is also the option of toxin-tipped thumbtacks on the dressing room chairs. And, of course, the Napoleon Solution: wallpaper.
But let’s not put all our eggs in the poison basket – good advice for rugby teams and egg farmers alike. Poison is an effective remedy for poor form in rugby and other sports, but it’s not foolproof. We need contingency plans, and we need to put them into place quickly.
There definitely needs to be a mental health program implemented by the Wallabies camp: this should be based heavily on the classic film Gaslight. By subtly hinting to the All Blacks that they are losing their minds, we can seriously affect their preparation and ability to perform to optimum levels.
There are lots of ways to achieve this – moving furniture around, stealing laundry, dressing the Wallabies backrow in period dress and having them stand behind All Blacks when they’re looking in the mirror – and evidence suggests it’s one of the best ways to gain success on the international stage. Reportedly Usain Bolt does this to all his opponents before every race.
There is also the demotivational method. This involves convincing the All Blacks that rugby isn’t that important and that making an effort would be a waste of time and energy.
The method involves a suite of measures including: hijacking hotel televisions to show non-stop news stories about global strife and the selfless work of charities around the world, conveniently leaving reading material about high achieving humanitarians lying around where the players can easily find them, and in extreme cases abducting the All Blacks and forcing them to look at footage of their children looking sad and lonely. Or, in really extreme cases, hiring a doctor to tell the entire forward pack that they have only three weeks to live.
Finally, Operation Kerrigan is obviously a bit of a last resort, but if worse comes to worst, the Wallaby administration should have staff placed strategically outside the rooms and along the walkway to the field, armed with crowbars.
Some of these measures might seem excessive, but let me be quite clear about this: if we don’t get started on them, we are literally never going to win a rugby game against New Zealand ever again.
coldturkey
Guest
Beautiful article. Funny and very well written. Thank you.
Aussiecrusader
Guest
Suggesting the taking of drugs to beat the AllBlacks is not worthy of mentioning much less joking about.
Martin English
Roar Rookie
NZ already has the North Island and theSouth Island... What do they call that chunk of desert to the left ? Mouth Island !!! I know, it's an oldie, but makes a change from the sheep shagging jokes my Aussie kids tell me after every Bledisloe :)
Mark
Guest
You picked the niggle
Republican
Guest
Rubbish NZers have exactly the same rights as all other migrant diasporas. Are you a sovereign nation or not - because the sanctimony on the part of the collective Kiwi nation has worn very thin indeed. NZ'ers are not migrants in the true sense of the word because they are on Temp Visas which allows them to come and go as they please. NZ'ers are in effect pseudo Australians which is a problem in my opinion. Conversely Australians are afforded even more privilege by the NZ government but this has been small in number by comaprison to Kiwis moving here. The NZ government encourages Australian citizenship for their economic advantage far mores than is required here. NZers assume rights and privilege that no other migrant group do, which in many respects are the equivalent of Australian citizens. There are pathways to citizenship if they choose, by applying for a different type visa status which entitles them to then apply for residency and citizenship however, the fact remains that NZers are the least of all migrants by along way, to take out Australian citizenship. This si because they choose not to in the main not because they cannot. NZ as a nation offers as good if not a superior quality of life than Australia and this is why many are returning which can only be good for both nations. Those who remain prefer to remain steadfastly Kiwi while the system encourages citizens of both countries to reap the benefits of free movement between our countries, without the usual bureaucratic scrutiny and commitment. You cannot have your Lamington and eat it too. If hypothetically we were to process the significant number of NZ'ers living here compared to Aussies living in NZ, you would find that the vast majority of them would not qualify for citizenship anyway.
Republican
Guest
Rubbish NZers have exactly the same rights as all other migrant diasporas. Are you a sovereign nation or not - because the sanctimony on the part of the collective Kiwi nation has worn very thin indeed. NZ'ers are not migrants in the true sense of the word because they are on Temp Visas which allows them to come and go as they please. NZ'ers are in effect pseudo Australians truth be told which is the problem in my opinion. Conversely Australians are afforded even more privilege by the NZ government but this has been a small number compared to Kiwis moving here while the NZ government encourage Australian citizenship for their economic advantage. NZers have assume rights that no other migrant group do, which in many respects are the equivalent of Australian citizens. There are pathways to citizenship if they choose by applying for a different type visa status which entitle them to then apply for residency and citizenship however, the fact remains that NZers are the least of all migrants by along way, to take out Australian citizenship because they choose not to in the main not because they cannot. NZ as a nation offers as good if not a superior quality of life than Australia and this is why many are returning which can only be good for both nations. Those who remain prefer to remain steadfastly Kiwi while the system encourages citizens of both countries to reap the benefits of moving between our countries, without the usual bureaucratic scrutiny and commitment. You cannot have your Lamington and eat it too. If hypothetically we were to process the significant number of NZ'ers living here compared to Aussies living in NZ, you would find that the vast majority of them would not qualify for citizenship anyway.
Debbie Fearon
Roar Rookie
You do realise that a large proportion of Auckland's population is from the Pacific Islands and they manage to support their home teams as well as the All Blacks? Maybe the Aussies would find it a refreshing change to support a winning team for a change.
Ash
Guest
Well it's 3 hours on a plane home if you don't another country's rules. Half a million passengers would make Air NZ a lot of money. Can you imagine half a million Aussies flooding NZ to live and then wearing Wallaby jerseys? There's no way people in NZ would put up with that.
Debz
Guest
There is no ability for most New Zealanders to become Aussie citizens - they don't qualify through the various VISA schemes. And why would they embrace a country that simultaneously says they're here to steal our jobs and go on welfare? Australia's immigration views are full of hypocrisy. One last thing - is Quade really an Aussie citizen? Or does he still travel under a NZ passport? I would have a lot more respect for people's views on immigration if they weren't so bloody ignorant.
Debz
Guest
There is no ability for most New Zealanders to become Aussie citizens - they don't qualify through the various VISA schemes. And why would they embrace a country that simultaneously says they're here to steal our jobs and go on welfare? Australia's immigration views are full of hypocrisy. One last thing - is Quade really an Aussie citizen? Or does he still travel under a NZ passport?
OJP
Guest
Ralph - this is the single most accurate observation I've come across in 3 years reading The Roar.
OJP
Guest
VL ? No no, no... VK is the one you want.
Carlos the Argie
Roar Guru
First, Zack, it was NOT the semis but the Quarter finals in Cardiff. And you jumping to conclusions without reading what McCaw or Henry wrote in their books is flippant. "Don't confuse me with data, I already made up my mind". Your sin of callous arrogance is amazing. Why bother investigating, reading, researching? Why so? You are behaving like the Donald in the US elections who claims that he is his best advisor.
Timbo (L)
Guest
Zack, The Australian constitution recognizes it's citizens. How many of your downtrodden underclass brethren suffering in Oz have embraced the country that they live in and have committed by becoming a citizen, enrolled to vote and are proud to represent their newfound home? How many of them think it is OK to Boo Quade cooper for doing just that? As to boat people: I suggest that you take the time to read the United Nations criteria for qualification for refugee status. Count the UN countries the current wave of refugees are passing by or through to get to Australia. True Humanitarian refugees don't cherry pick! If they are lucky they may be allocated by the UN to Australia. When Tuvalu finally goes underwater it's former residents won't have to sneak in on a boat, they will be invited, welcomed with open arms with many offered employment wearing a Force, Rebels, Reds, Brumbies or Warratah 1,3 or 11 jersey. Perhaps, then, Australia will have a chance of winning a Bledesloe cup game.
Marius Ciliers
Roar Guru
Awsum read bro. Keep them coming.
Ralph
Roar Guru
Thanks Taniwha. The biggest problem with this story is the review is being done by Accenture. So I expect a huge amount of money will be spent for obvious answers that you and I could get from getting the boys together with a few beers.
Scrumma
Guest
If the allblacks had played most of their new brothers up against an out of sorts wallabies team then maybe the wallabies would've had a chance. The challenge for the bros would be to watch them swim when thrown into the deep, but the Allblacks are sending out a very strong team to make another statement.
TC123
Guest
Kiwis should bet on line and bypass the TAB. We've been getting robbed for years. A little detour from the rugby but the NZ TAB are weak as p!#!
bo jandal
Guest
We're better at knitting than you.....oh and BTW you can take your possums back thank you very much. The best thing to come out of Australia was the VL commodore and your Bogans can't drive for shite LOL
Republican
Guest
......& NZ will destroy Mother Albion.