As our batsmen liquefied in Hobart, Cricket Australia announced an exciting new partnership which will see Microsoft technology teamed with our major-soft cricketers.
The tech giant has agreed to fit-out the national program with all-new performance tracking technology. It’s much like the existing performance tracking technology, only except with more buzzy terms like ‘cutting edge’ and ‘a colossal price tag.’
Considering there’s nothing else in the game that currently requires attention, this is a real coup landed by James Sutherland.
If there’s anything that will address the team’s lack of cricket fundamentals, it’s more power to the sports science unit and definitely more computers.
Experts have been crying out for too long, bemoaning that our batsmen will never learn to negotiate the swinging ball until there are more laptops.
Finally their prayers have been answered.
But despite the immediate and tangible benefits of more snazzier technology, it is sure to attract criticism from the “skeptics”, “non-believers” and “former cricketers who played without technology and still performed way better than anyone today.”
These naysayers will always claim the link between science and performance to be tenuous, despite the facts speaking for themselves.
It is indisputable that the technological revolution has been a raging success for Australia. It was no more evident than in their last victory, that being against Ireland sometime back in August.
Not only this, the regime has been highly fruitful for the bowling unit.
Under this program, more bowlers have returned from injury than at any point in history. The numbers are undeniable.
That’s why any person claiming this deal to be further ‘paralysis by analysis’ is simply out-of-touch. Everyone knows more data is king, and that you can’t sustain further paralysis if you’re already fully paralysed.
Paying for more RAM-clogging goodness instead of investing the money in teaching kids how to catch is the most pivotal move of Australia’s resurrection.
And you want to know why?
Because this metric-based workload management intelligence system powered by optimal GPS intelligence and VO2 threshold biomechanic science monitoring technology cuts through the bull-speak and provides real solutions.
It doesn’t teach line and length, how to build an innings or any of that other wasteful stuff we so desperately need, it specialises in a meticulous ability to predict the behaviours of Australian cricketers right down to their most precise stuff-up.
According to the guy who sold this technology to Cricket Australia, forecasting performance and behaviours will provide a crucial technological edge for our team.
Apparently, knowing exactly what a player is about to do can tell you many things. For example, injury risk, fatigue, behaviour triggers, pretty much everything except whether or not they are actually any good at cricket.
Think of the possibilities!
Knowing when an Australian batsmen will blow a DRS referral on an LBW that is destroying middle stump.
Tracking when our first slip will drop a critical catch off the opposition’s best batsman, how costly it will be, and how much stale acting in bank adverts that will occur in between.
Then there’s knowing how close a bowler is to a wicket from a no-ball at 2/380, how strong the side’s momentary second innings rally will be and how unfairly it will generate hope, and finally, what day the team will eventually be defeated by 150+ runs.
See what I mean? None of this valuable know-how is available from a simple ‘net’.
So chin up, Australia. New technology is taking us back to the top.
With computers as our saviour and an eventual takeover by robots, we’ll be back there in no time.
Left whinge
Guest
Hang on...the Aussies will whip the pakistanis 3-zip. Smith will once again be the greatest batsman and captain in the world. Burns will be the next Hayden, Hazelwood the next McGrath and starc the next johnson. Until india when they will go back to being useless. Then the poms will show up, under achieve away from home and Australia can gloat again.
steve
Guest
Does this new fandangled, bells and whistles sports science, super computer track the player's while they are scouring the beachside suburbs looking for their next multi million dollar homes or is it for just like, you know, important cricket stuff? I hope the super nerdy boffins at Microsoft have added a money counting app to the new super dooper tech, computer thingy, otherwise how will the Australian players know how many millions of dollars they have earned, while not actually playing or training?
Ian
Guest
Really enjoyed your article. Great sense of humour. Why not let the technology think on behalf of our players-that way they'll always make perfect decisions!
bobburra
Guest
All and sundry are calling for mass changes to our test team for obvious failures. I agree, make changes, one has already happened with Rod Marsh standing downn now if we can get Sitherland to go, before any actual player changes happen that has to be a step in the right direction. We need more application to teaching the players, batsmen when to play and when to leave balls, how to play the swinging ball, spin bowling,we need the bowlers to be shown how to bowl line & lenght consistently ( E.G. McGrath, Lawson). Just look at how the Sth. Aficans bowled to us, they forced the Aussies to play & make mistakes.You won't get that from sports scientists or computer geeks. Crickey Cricket Australia, it is not rockey science, get rid of all the hangers on around the the Australian team, go back to basics,One overall coach, a batting coach, a bowling coach & and of course the medical people, that would probably number no more than about 7 or eight. At any given time at the moment there appears to be about 25 -30 people "on the bench/ support staff. Is it any wonder the players can't concentrate, they musy be getting a hell of a lot mixed messages at the moment.
Statler and Waldorf
Roar Guru
A commodore 64 computer will be fine for tracking the performance of the current team .....
Republican
Guest
Technology to make up for the lack of 'natural talent' that nations less privileged than us have in spades. This is Australia.......
bigbaz
Roar Guru
But but but can they measure the fight in the dog.
BigJ
Roar Guru
Bloody hell, did Dennis Lillie, Thomo and Max Walker need technology to get the job done????? No all they needed was a tash of the face, a gold chain around the neck and a pair of brass ones between their legs, Cut all this tech junk away and get back to the days when men were hard buggers that relied on themselves to get the job done. Aussie Crickets, grow a tash, tackle a bull wrestle a croc and harden up.
Raugeee
Guest
LOL
Tim Vetter
Roar Rookie
Pat Howard, James Sutherland, and god-knows who else that is hanging around the team pushing this kind of crap, need to have a read of this and realise how much of a joke they've become to pretty much everyone on the outside. Brendon McCullum spoke about the detrimental effects of sport science on the game in his Spirit of Cricket speech earlier in the year: http://www.theroar.com.au/2016/06/14/mccullums-message-stop-dehumanising-sport/
Swanny
Guest
Nice use of sarcasm But seriously the more technology is involved in sport , the more boring it becomes .
Mike Huber
Roar Pro
Very good Dane Is that a photo of Pat Howard mocking us - tongue out and all ? Howard would be best to raide his families' pharmacies and dope these useless overpaid hacks with pharmaceuticals - we would get a better result than the use of draconian machiavellian technology. Channel 9 could perhaps put together a new drama for us , Game of Tools ( no pun intended ) .