The KP coup theory

I’ll be honest: even to me as a South African Kevin Pietersen was a bit off as a commentator in the recent Test series.

At the close of play on day one in Adelaide KP was exuberant about it being a great day for South Africa. Maybe it had been a great day for Faf du Plessis with his hundred and the curve ball declaration, but the last time I checked, winning the toss, getting rolled for 250 and then failing to take a wicket would generally rate as a below-par day.

Sure, it may be have been a bit of KP bias, but I have another theory, and it’s a theory that could also be applied to Michael Clarke and Shane Warne.

None of these guys were average Joes that got to the top as honest toilers – no disrespect to players such as Chris Rogers – and if any of them were still playing, they’d probably back themselves to either take the required wickets or chase the required runs, whether in Perth or Adelaide, regardless of what the history records say.

And that’s where this is heading: KP is still playing, and he is still playing rather well.

To rehash a bit of history, he last played for England in January 2014, almost three years ago. Regardless of what Andrew Strauss, Alastair Cook and every other current English player and coach has said about the English door being solidly closed for him, it was effectively locked on Friday, 9 December 2016, when Keaton Jennings made a debut Test hundred.

After the 2014 Ashes the English post-mortem concluded that there should only ever be one South African – two in exceptional circumstances – in their team at any given time. This was done to ensure that all of those ‘South African B team’ jokes couldn’t be made again. Morale had been at an all-time low, and the South Africans, besides Jonathan Trott, were out to prove who was the most English among them. KP had got the tattoo and worked on his accent.

Strauss and Matt Prior were obviously tiffed as they had spent most of their lives in England bet were still being called South African, so the English players then needed to prove that they were the extremely English Englishmen. The situation imploded.

Jumping forward, in one year KP will be eligible to play for another country. Some are saying that South Africa is the option that makes the most sense – after all, he already has the passport. But why would South Africa want a player with a Test average of over 47 when they have great team players like Dean Elgar, Stephen Cook, Jean-Paul Duminy and Temba Bavuma, all of whom average under 40 in their Test top six?

Why would they want someone who almost singlehandedly won the Twenty20 World Cup for England in 2010? Someone who has never worn that ‘choker’ tag?

How great a blindside would it be if Australia were to snatch him up? He is currently 36 and could fill in somewhere between four and six in the order, where there has been a bit of a domino wicket-loss effect in the past few years.

Could he make the Ashes 2019 in England? It would be a long shot – but can you think of a more motivated player comfortable with a swinging ball who would love to stick it to the man? Yes, Australia can point at the Adam Voges history and say, ‘bad idea’, but who wouldn’t take a one-season-wonder if it includes winning the Ashes away?

On top of that there is the 50-over world cup in 2019, and the ICC is still trying to squeeze a T20 world cup into 2018. The shorter format is definitely an area where KP is still a proven match-winner.

So with the talk about how Johan Botha would love to become a duel international, why not focus on a true big fish. Yes, there are many hurdles to overcome, but there must be a way to fast-track citizenship – I mean, hey, he’s South African, he’s bound to have a cousin in Perth. Plus he already has that lion tattoo on his arm, which with a few minor alterations – perhaps a strategically place ‘Holden’ underneath – would be more than good enough for Australia.

Surely there’s someone in Canberra that would think, ‘close enough’? Shucks, I’ve heard enough radio adverts to know it’ll get Mark Waugh’s vote.