The FFA announce new ‘fives’ format

It’s time to call a spade a spade. Football is an archaic game, resistant to change and struggling all over the world due to the pig headedness of officialdom.

Watching the eloquent game of cricket broaden its horizons with the advent of T20 matches and seeing the continued success of Rugby Sevens in meaningful tournaments all over the world, have provided a model for less forward thinking codes such as football.

Other recent additions to the sporting landscape include the Auckland Nines rugby league, whose winners are so clear in all of our memories, as well as the magnificent Fast Four tennis concept that has taken the game by storm.

I’m not sure about you, but the fast four concept has effectively erased any memory I have of the Australian Open.

The final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal is such a blur that I’m not really sure who actually won, due to my vivid memories of the Wally Masur and Lleyton Hewitt-led teams that featured in the Sydney Fast Four just prior to the Australian Open.

These sports have envisaged the future and moved into the twenty first century. Their self-awareness to admit that their product was struggling in its long form and decision to introduce some razza mattaz and flair is something that football had resisted for so long, appearing firmly entrenched in the dark ages.

The good news is, that the FFA has announced a wonderful initiative that will change the face of football in Australia. You may be stunned at this news, thinking ‘why have I not read or heard of this earlier’, yet the FFA have chosen to release the details to only the most secure sources before the official public launch on February 22nd.

Luckily for you all, I am completely immoral and have hacked David Lord’s email account to discover the details surrounding the new FFA direction. Only the most senior writers in this country received the details and they are stunning.

2018 will see the inaugural Football Fives competition.

All A-League teams will field a five man squad with two reserves to compete and the rule changes and variations to the traditional form of the game are inspiring.

Matches will be played at the major stadiums around the country. Adelaide will play at Cooper’s Stadium, Perth Glory at NIB Stadium and all the other A–League teams will adopt their current home venues for fixtures.

The rule variations will create excitement and interest. The pitch will be of standard length and width, yet with only four players on the pitch at any time, the game should open up a little.

At kick-off for each match there will be fireworks. Not around the boundary like a Big Bash match but actually on the field around the centre circle. What a sight this will be. Seeing Besart Berisha and Marco Rojas dodging sparks as they launch into attack will be a something to behold.

The accompanying music to each squad will drag thousands through the gates as well. ‘Toot Toot Chugga Chugga Big Red Car’ has already been claimed by Besart, Alex Brosque has put dibs on the Proclaimers ‘500 miles’ and Kevin Muscat has locked in ‘Am I Ever going to see your face again?’.

If you aren’t excited already, I’m not sure what will get you over the line.

The scoring will be outstanding, just like cricket where a six was previously achieved through power and shot selection that saw a ball launched over a distant boundary, so too will the skill level be lowered.

Just as players in the ‘Bash’ can throw a scientifically loaded piece of willow at a moving projectile in order to send it a hundred and twenty metres in the opposite direction, footballers in the Fives will be able to score at will.

The keeper will be blind-folded and the goal extended to five metres high and eleven metres wide, in order to entertain people that, let’s face it, can’t sit through an arduous contest between two evenly matched sides where only skill and dexterity can break the deadlock.

Scores of forty to fifty goals per side is the expected outcome and the FFA have arranged dance troupes and laser shows to coincide with each goal.

Seeing Roy Krishna score thirty goals against Newcastle as the fireworks, laser shows and his personal theme song explode around the ground (I think Roy has chosen ‘Dancing on the Ceiling’ by Lionel Ritchie) will change the game in this country for eternity.

The speed of the games will mean that the regular referees will be incapable of keeping up with the tempo of the game and other appointments have been made to add extra flair to the contests.

Former NRL referee Bill Harrigan will control one match per week. Despite having little or no knowledge of the game, he will be miked up, given a cool hat and told to go to the video wherever possible.

This means fans will have the opportunity to clap in a drunken and foolish manner anticipating the decision while wearing an Oporto chicken shaped hat on their head.

The FFA had talks with KFC but apparently they were already stitched up with another commitment.

Is there anything more mature and respectful for the game of football than to have a 40,000-seat stadium full of people wearing fast food headwear and consuming vast amounts of alcohol while not really understanding the game that they are actually attending?

I think not.

One of the most appealing aspects of the Fives will be the speed of the game. Just as cricket, tennis, rugby and league have realised that their game is boring in its longer form, football will be reverting to three minute halves with a thirty second half time.

The brevity of the games will allow a carnival style competition to take place. With five matches playable per hour, a rugby sevens style competition can be held in each city around the country with only one day required on the calendar to accommodate.

The ensuing ‘tour’ around the country for a month of excitement will be far more valuable to the development of football in this country than the boring A-League competition that seems to go on forever.

The lessoning of skills and the cheapening of the game have been common arguments directed at other sports when they have moved to shortened versions.

However football will be different, the $4m prize money and the trip to Argentina for the Annual Fives Championship hosted by Diego Maradona will ensure that the pure and sublime skills of the players is maintained. Trust me.

It’s such a relief to see the FFA move into the twenty first century and ‘keep up’ with other sports that have realised their long forms aren’t accommodating the fans.

Football has existed for hundreds of years, developed wonderful and skilled athletes, generated billions of dollars and stood the test of time, yet relying on the game to continue to survive and prosper with all of the ‘quality’ short forms of other codes popping up all over the world is foolish.

Those suggesting that football is different and doesn’t need to sell it’s soul to the devil are just not seeing into the future.

Thank heavens the FFA have seen the light and ‘shortened’ our game in order to ensure its long-term survival.