AFL winners and losers: Round 1

Brendon Bolton had a problem. Carlton’s young list was still a cryptic blend of elite talent and the Thursday roster at Coles. No one knew who belonged where.

The baby Blues had lost every game of the pre-season. Next up: another season-opening defeat to Richmond.

Bolton had a problem. That is, until he pivoted.

At the pre-game press conference, Bolton declared that his coming season would not be framed by conventional standards of ‘wins’ and ‘losses’.

This is a cop-out, sure. Or this is an exciting bit of madness. This is giving up. Or this is refreshing honesty. I’m not here to tell you how to feel, you’re responsible for your own happiness.

But when you break-up with traditional metrics and arguably reality, you can still win while losing. You just have to define success by other, more nebulous criteria.

Maybe it’s the development of your youth. Maybe your KPI is pressure acts. Maybe it’s choke-slam GIFs on Twitter.

This is my personal view on football. And unfortunately, this is also my view on life.

Winner: Sam Powell-Pepper (Port Adelaide Power)
Winner: Us
Well, that escalated quickly.

This time last week we were discussing Sam Powell-Pepper’s murder of Shaun Burgoyne (RIP). He was a big-bodied anomaly. At best, a ‘don’t argue’ machine.

Now he’s collected 19 disposals, seven clearances and two goals on debut. One of those goals was an incredible bomb from 55 metres. He’s a legitimate player.

Let’s not get cocky now. We made a lot of money last week buying Sam Powell-Pepper (SPP) stock. I’m proud of us. That’s a lot of money. But don’t go blowing it all at once now.

Firstly, you’re never going to make a good return on blue-chip stocks like Josh P Kennedy (JPKE) or Joel Selwood (FREE). They’re outstanding footballers, yes, but they’re nearer to the ceiling than their floor.

Secondly, they don’t need you.

I suggest you re-invest wisely in other cheap stocks. Or better yet, double-down on SPP.

This is going to be an excellent season for GIFs.

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Winner: Football as modern art
Loser: Nat Fyfe (Fremantle Dockers)

This is ‘Patrick Dangerfield walks into a Fremantle huddle’ (2017) Artist: Patrick Dangerfield.

I will be hosting a brief Q and A after.

Q: What is Patrick Dangerfield doing?

1) Winning the game.

2) Entering the opposition huddle as they desperately strategise how to beat him.

3) Announcing his arrival by tapping 211cm Aaron Sandilands on the arse.

4) Getting pushed out of huddle.

What is Dangerfield doing? Whatever he wants.

Q: What are the themes?

Masculinity in modern society. Brains v Brawn. Passive aggression v Aggression. Lots.

Q: What are the subtleties in this piece?

There’s the clock.

The start of the second quarter is fairly early to start rubbing it in. This makes the Dangerfield gesture less of a gloat, but more a strategic jab.

There’s former captain David Mundy clenching his fist, considering an elbow to Dangerfield’s ribs, then deciding against it. That’s maturity.

Then new captain Nat Fyfe lunges at Dangerfield.

There’s a lot of detail in this piece, yes.

Q: Who wins this instalment of Danger vs Fyfe?

Dangerfield. 100 per cent Dangerfield.

Q: But Nat Fyfe pushes Dangerfield into next week. Surely Fyfe wins then?

I was never a fan of an ultra-firm handshake. Just because you strong-arm someone else doesn’t make you dominant.

Dangerfield tried to get into Fyfe’s coconut. Fyfe flinched. It happens. That’s okay. They’ll be more battles.

Winner: Mitch Robinson (Brisbane Lions)
Mitch Robinson recently raised money for charity.

His initiative, walking 100,000 steps (a ‘stepathon’) recently raised $525.50 for the Murdoch’s Children’s Research Institute.

This is a quote from Robinson (from lions.com.au):

“I’ve been lucky enough to have two beautiful, healthy children and after hearing about the work Murdoch Institute does for sick children, I had to get involved in any way I could.”

This is astonishing. Mostly because Robinson’s English has really improved. Robinson probably has a media team with spellcheck. It pays to surround yourself with competent people.

Mitch Robinson kicked two goals on the weekend. One was from a contested mark in the goal square. Another was a snap from 30 in front.

Two goals in two minutes made him look like the Tasmanian Eddie Betts. Then he crashed, because Mitch Robinson is not Eddie Betts, but a can of Mother that plays football.

The Brisbane Lions, guided by Chris Fagan, the newest branch of the Clarkson coaching tree, won by two points. The Lions played an immediate, uncomplicated brand of football.

This will obviously change against better opposition. But for the time being, I’m happy for Brisbane. It’s a refreshing flash of competence.

I’m also happy for Mitch Robinson. It pays to surround yourself with competent people, albeit briefly.