What a time to be alive! Hawthorn are finally bad at football

AFL rarely seems fair. Ryan Schoenmakers has a premiership medallion and Bob Murphy doesn’t. But, at the halfway point of 2017 footy seems fairer than ever, mostly because the Hawthorn’s demise is complete.

Hawthorn’s newfound mortality is good news for the rest of the competition because as fans saw last year, with a less than perfect brown and gold outfit the competition evens up so much that another club can actually win it.

Unfortunately, the fans’ collective schadenfreude will be short-lived, as sixteen other clubs are going to end up in exactly the same predicament as the Hawks come the end of the year, having also failed to win.

Still, it’s entirely natural for fans of other clubs to take a pathological pleasure from the Hawks’ struggles as most teams have not have achieved much of late, certainly not a premiership every 3.8 years in the past 46.

Twitter feeds and Facebook timelines around the country erupted in joy following Hawthorn’s record-breaking three-point first half performance against Port Adelaide last Thursday (clearly, Hawthorn like to achieve their record-breaking performances in threes).

So, with Alastair Clarkson acknowledging that his side can’t win after the Port Adelaide debacle, which of the remaining 17 clubs will?

It won’t be Brisbane. Margaret Court has more chance of winning Australian of the Year.

Carlton coach Brendon Bolton could sell Amway to a tradesman, but he can’t sell a game plan to a team whose top 20 players aren’t as good as GWS’s bottom 20.

Sydney were Greg Norman-like when it counted last year and have been even worse this year. The best a Swans fan can hope for is that Buddy remains fit and Kurt Tippett doesn’t.

It’s rare to see a football club get worse when all the troublemaking cocaine users are removed, but Rodney Eade has managed to achieve this at the Suns.

Ill-discipline costs North Melbourne dearly at times, Saturday night against Richmond for example. This is hard to reconcile until you remember they are coached by Brad Scott.

Nathan Buckley speaks with more conviction than Winston Churchill ever did. Sadly, this counts for nothing because just like his Brownlow contemporaries Michael Voss and James Hird, the Magpie hero can’t coach.

With the drug saga finally behind them Essendon can once again focus on mediocrity. Brendon Goddard was no happier in his 300th game than he’s been in any of the other 299, which is strange as you’d think he’d be used to losing by now.

St Kilda hold the rare distinction of having set fire to as many little people as they’ve won premierships in 120 years and only one of those statistics can possibly improve in 2017.

There are more World War II veterans alive than there are people who have seen Melbourne win a grand final. The same statistic will apply to Iraqi veterans in sixty years.

Fremantle have come back from a horrendous 2016 and Ross The Boss has proven once again that he is the right man to take a side maddeningly close to Mt Everest’s peak.

West Coast have proven they are not flat-track bullies this year by managing to meekly capitulate at home too. Nic Natanui readily admits there are more important things in life than football and many of his fit teammates seem to agree.

The Doggies took all before them last year and may well again if they can prime Tom Boyd to play his one good game for the year on grand final day.

The only thing more ferocious than Port Adelaide’s this year has been the behaviour of their fans. Ken Hinkley has Port firing and the only way to avoid David Koch in grand final week might be to turn off the television.

Richmond being in the top four is wonderful for football. Fans of all clubs can now brace themselves for the self-inflicted, yet highly entertaining Tiger calamity that will unfold in the coming months.

Geelong’s reliance on three players is telling and as soon as the rest realise that 22 players are required to perform at AFL standard they might be a chance of winning.

Adelaide deserves to win more than any other club and many hope they do. Eddie Betts kicking goals on grand final day is a much more appealing prospect than Joel Selwood ducking for free kicks.

Lastly, GWS should win. It shouldn’t even matter if Stevie J has another brain fade late in the season, a scenario as likely as ever now that we know he drives a Ford Falcon.

No matter how your team fares in 2017, take comfort in the fact that Hawthorn won’t win again for at least 2.8 years.