The low five on the grand final

RobC and Harry Jones walk into a bar. Separately. They sit down. At the bar. Separately.

This is what they said.

Harry: Howzit, Robbity. You look so modern, today.

RobC: Hazzzaaaa!

Harry: Let me buy you a drink.

RobC: I don’t drink.

Digger: I do

Digger had walked in, breaking a chair and a light and a small man’s arm.

Harry: Diggity! How’d you get under the table? Robbo, why are you in a bar?

RobC: Bars are like scrums. It’s crowded, a lot of pushing, yelling and the odd grunt. Plus there’s the opposite sex. What’s not to love about it?

Harry: I like it when you put sex, pushing, and grunt in the same paragraph. Speaking of scrums, let’s break down the Big Unfair Super-Saffa-Favouring Pied Peyper of Pretoria grand final.

RobC: Okay. But let’s just ask questions. Let’s not provide answers if we don’t have one. Why do Lions play like Kiwis and Crusaders play like old Blue Bulls?

Digger: You getting that drink Harry?

Harry: Why does Israel Dagg smile while he runs, but Damian McKenzie smiles when he kicks?

Digger: They don’t play like Kiwis Rob, they look to take space in order to create it. And put everyone off with funny haircuts. Does Mostert have a mane like a Lion? Is that on purpose?

RobC: They’re not smiling. It’s the G-force from their speed. It’s a Kiwi thing. It’s like how Saffas don’t smile because their jaws, neck and head are fused to their spine, especially the locks.

Harry: Who will win the lineout battle? Which combo? Marx to Mostert or Marx to Whitelock?

RobC: There will be no lineout battle. The Lions will run and tackle and avoid set piece to get Read, Whitelock and their mates to asphyxiate.

Digger: Lineouts won’t matter, Saffies are cheating by making us play in the daylight. It’s not fair! It’s all SANZAAR’s fault, not giving us enough games at altitude. It’s not fair!

Harry: Well, Kieran likes to asphyxiate. Barman! Two Ichibans, please. One for me and the other for my own self. Why is Ichiban Read so obviously not a nice guy, but nobody but me sees it?

Digger: Can I get that drink now?

RobC: I see it. But don’t you think he’s got a half decent beard? Unlike Franco who looks like a baby bear compared to grizzly Sam Whitelock. How will he survive?

Digger: No, it’s too short, it’s untidy. He needs to own his beard and make more of an effort. Bigger beards equals wins over all sorts of Lions.

Harry: Lood de Jager fathered Franco; his mother is a Stormer cheerleader. Franco resulted from a secret sauce. That’s why his name is Sauce. Don’t quote me on this.

RobC: I won’t quote you on anything. But what do you think the burning question really is?

Harry: Who is faster? Skosan the Swift or Kwagga the Kwik?

Digger: Rhule is fastest. But I know Franks would be stronger.

RobC: Michael Hooper is fastest according to Phil Kearns. And kicks almost as well as Beltin.

Digger: Phil will be happy that there are some Aussies in the final.

Harry: I wager Hoops and Kwagga would both beat the Lions’ alleged flyhalf over 50 metres. Why does Elton Jantjies make gaps close? Why is he so deceptively slow?

RobC: He’ll be marginally faster than the air deprived Crusaders. But aren’t they supposed to win when they travel, hence the name? Why did they lose last year? Is it the lack of Christchurch cheerleaders? Or sheep.

Digger: There is no lack of sheep. Didn’t the Crusades ultimately fail? Too many Lion types in there, a lot of Richards. Crusaders have a Richie, used to have two. They lost last year because the Hurricanes were better. For one whole year.

Harry: I dunno, my Malaysian Queenslander nemesis. Two Sapporos, please! How can Lions catch the ball so well if they have no thumbs?

Digger: I’m really thirsty Harry.

RobC: If they drop any they’d be kicked in by Ackers. Also, they catch cheerleaders for training in high altitude.

Harry: Why does Ackers look like a bouncer but coach with such sweet love and affection? How did he get Saffas to play so fast?

Digger: They run so fast by giving them something to run away from quickly.

RobC: Saffas don’t play fast. But they play quickly. Otherwise, the crowd and corporate sponsors will lose interest.

Harry: Marxism is so last century. Even Malcolm is in the middle of the political spectrum. Hey! Was there a better back in the competition who got no press than David Havili?

Digger: Maybe, that first five at the Kings was pretty good, as was the pimp out wide. My Cha’Rona’ has a good year over on the west island.

RobC: Havili who? By the way, where’s Nemani Nadolo? Would have been nice to see him versus Combrinck.

Digger: They replaced Nadolo with Ioane. That worked well.

Harry: Why does Combrinck have such a corporate-sounding name, like a pharmacy chain in Scotland? Why is he so angelic after the game and so punishing in it?

Digger: He has better hair than Elton. Is Elton perhaps the best player with the worst hair in the world? Do the groundsman at Ellis ‘some airline now’ Park cut it using the lawnmower? Or tractor?

RobC: He will “Ruan” everything and through everyone. Except for the times he kicks three pointers from three point territory. That’s the bottom line. And he has to clean up the scrummie’s mess.

Harry: Ross Cronje. The name. It’s so mismatched. It’s like being called Nigel Fergus Luatua.

Digger: Yes, it’s like a Saffie being called Harry Jones. Keep wanting to turn the ‘r’ into a ‘z’ and add ‘du’ in between… Hazzy du Joneses.

RobC: Talk about a mismatch… So which Jaco will score the winning points?

Harry: It depends on the angle that their fangles dangle. One Jaco runs like his arse is on fire. The other Jaco blows his whistle like he’s putting out a fire. It’s a fiery question. By the way, Peyper is from Bloemfontein. They don’t like Johannesburg. They don’t like anything, really. Except going to church. So, I think the Christchurch lads have an advantage. Except in tries. And the Lions scored 37 tries from first phase ball. Kiwis score from no-phase ball, though.

RobC: I heard almost no Crusader fans will attend. They don’t care? Or is it to protect the refs after the final whistle?

Harry: Well, I believe there was a visa issue. I’m sure the Roar-i-verse will blame it on Peyper. But why is Owen Franks so grumpy and Wyatt Crockett so happy? Who is the median between them?

Digger: No one has Visas anymore, they all use Mastercard. That’s why one is on the bench and one starts Harry, to keep their distance. Wyatt took all the protein powder, makes Owen grumpy.

Someone will blame Peyper for something, yes, and probably for making a decision without using the technology or for not making a decision and using the technology. They should’ve picked Craig Joubert, he was never in the spotlight. Every time he is a neutral ref he always does really well and everyone is happy.

RobC: Tightheads are always tight headed. Crockett is loosie goosie. But hookers are all fun!

Digger: Hookers are only fun when they get their drinks.