How to hate Joe Root

Ahead of the upcoming Ashes series, English captain Joe Root has decided that challenging the Australian side is too easy, so he has decided to challenge the Australian public instead.

One man against 23 million postal survey takers, what could go wrong?

Well, one of the main issues is that Root is heinously likeable. Even his name, Root, is sure to help keep him onside with Australian fans.

Physically, he is slight and blonde, resembling a schoolboy anxiously waiting for a bus or Ellen DeGeneres more so than some threatening English bastard.

He seems to be constantly smiling, which would get irritating if it wasn’t so bloody well-meaning.

Being Australian, I have done my best to look past his niceness and developed a list of reasons to hate him:

1. Ringo Starr
Remember The Beatles? They had a few hits a while back. Their drummer, Ringo Starr, was arguably the nicest guy in the group and also the most useless. Paul McCartney even did the drumming on the ‘White Album’ – he may deny it, but we all know he did.

You know what else Ringo Starr did? Thomas the Tank Engine. I’ve never come across a more shameless advertisement for communism in my life, and here they are pushing it on kids.

‘Really useful engines’? Come on, you could at least try and hide it a bit, or tell us what happens to the useless engines.

Yay capitalism. Boo Joe ‘Ringo’ Root.

2. Challenging Steve Smith
Root has played three more Tests that Steve Smith and is two years younger, so he’s a real chance to overtake Smith for the total number of runs scored in his career.

By avoiding injury and coming in early, due to the English ‘play one opener and one other guy’ strategy, Root has the opportunity to face more balls and score more runs than our skipper.

This might not have been a threat a few years ago, but Smith had to wait for all those other batsmen who average 60 to get out of the team.

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3. He once wore a fake beard
Remember the 2013 Ashes series? It may be best you don’t.

One of the stories you may remember from it was when Australian opener Dave Warner punched Root for wearing a fake beard in the VIP area of a Walkabout bar.

Now, Warner is nothing if a reserved young man and not about to punch someone for anything trivial, so you have to understand the seriousness of wearing a fake beard. I’m yet to understand it myself, but you can bet your boots that Root wore a fake beard.

Boo to Joe ‘Beardy’ Root.

4. He has no respect for Allan Border
Back in 1989, Australia had lost 11 Test series in a row and were expected to fall in a heap against the English. With fastidious planning and uncompromising play, the Australians managed an unexpected 4-0 series upset.

One of the turning points in the series was Australian captain Allan Border banning his players from socialising with, or even being nice to, the English team.

This may seem a little harsh, but you have to remember that Border was Australia’s only decent player for most of his career, and it’s largely due to him that the sport is still popular in Australia.

Root is flying in the face of this approach, being nice to everyone and having the audacity to suggest that we should simply enjoy the game for what it is. Peter Handscomb, the Australian batsman who has played the winter with Root at Yorkshire, had nothing but praise for him.

If this doesn’t raise the ire of the Captain Grumpy in all of us, I don’t know what will.

AAP Image/Nikki Short

5. He could win the Ashes in Australia
Since the great watershed of 2005, one of the defining characteristics of the Ashes has been the visiting team’s inability to win the wee urn.

While England’s batting depth isn’t terrifying, it does equate with Australia’s, meaning that England may actually have the advantage with the ball.

This summer though, England have a red-hot chance. With a bowling attack including Ben Stokes, Jimmy Anderson, Stuart Broad and any one of a number of quicks they have on their ridiculously long bench, the young Australian batting line-up is sure to be challenged.

In Moeen Ali, Root has a spinner with a similar record to Nathan Lyon, though averages about an extra 20 runs with the bat.

Is fear of losing the Ashes enough of a reason to hate on Root?

Will this be the summer where nice guys finish first? Yeah, maybe.