2018 Super Rugby fashion review

Clothes maketh the man.

Ten Super Rugby teams’ jerseys are reviewed in this sartorial preview.

The Brumbies are going back to 1996, the Chiefs are telling us a story of triangular threats, the cool-collar Stormers got no hoops and no roots, the Sharks put City Hall on their boring strip, the Bulls are pacific blue with fade piping numerology, the bridesmaid Lions put Joburg on their backs and put the fancy back in hoops, the Hurricanes’ wind motif is abstract and diagonal without cyclone force and an electric-washed away jersey, the Crusaders have subtle swords and optical illusions but more bloody than last year, the Highlanders have softened their tartan but neonised their visiting strip to Miami levels, and the amazing Sunwolves have added psychedelic sun and brooding moon and wild stars and garish waterfalls in their garish new avant-garde jersey designed to induce interceptions and charge-downs.

What is each of the teams saying to us with their costume?

The Brumbies
Canberra is saying to the Australian conference: “We want to go back. Back to 1996. No deconstruction. No reinterpretation. No two ways. No irony.”

Their ‘gold’ of the last few years is burned back to a dark orange.

The white base of the home jersey is no frills, workmanlike, Kearnsey-craftsman. As the players sweat, even props will be flattered by the colour-blocked shoulders and rib-cage lines.

No sexiness, except a little too scoop on the neck, to show a little cleavage by socially-conscious flankers.

The away jersey is not complicated: it is an exact reverse.

“Here we are, again. You know what we will do. But we will try to do it well. You might be bored, but you almost might be beaten.”

(AAP Image/Dean Lewins)

The Chiefs
“We are telling a story. No, we are telling ten stories, at once. We have an ethos, a heritage, a future, a past, bays of plenty, and caves running deep. We are a shark. No, a warrior. Fluid and dynamic, but fixed in time. We are triangles, facing threats on all sides. Run or kick or pass; we are pointed and ready. But our backs are calm. We are greenstone treasures, too.”

The 2018 Chiefs are incoherently cohering to a script forged in the rough gravel pits of Taranaki, the turning rivers of tacklers raising cane, and the hammerheads of sharks.

Fire up your bongs and watch ‘Hamilton’ on Broadway; then the Chiefs’ wardrobe makes more sense. Their jerseys are straight up Improv drama.

Triangular patterns on the back of the home jersey, green patterns on the white base of the away jersey, with a fractylised scheme.

They’ll run from anywhere, play any style, and be bold. And sweat will not hurt this look. In fact, the more they sweat, the better this style looks.

The Stormers
Cape Town rugby’s pinnacle has always been the black shorts and the not-too-slender blue-and-white hoops and red accents of Western Province, or ‘Prooooooooovince.’

The Stormers seem obsessed with being a different province, not too provincial.

So, they are veering to an NFL-style departure from WP tradition.

The horrendous canary DHL logo disrupts what could be a nice-enough flow of red, white and blue, which distinguishes itself from Cape hoops by using ‘panels’ of blue and white on the rib-cages of the players.

In 2018, black is mostly banished from the home jersey, but the away strip is red-and-black only.

The Stormer logo looks like a dollar sign, and the whole mess is a bit flea market bazaar, which is a pity, because WP has the rugby-est rugby strip of any club in the Hemisphere.

Still, the collar is beautiful. The Stormers will not be irritated by faux collars or Brumbie-style decolletage. It’s simple, strong, reinforced, and manly.

“We are really professional. We really are. We lost our stadium, we are bankrupt, run by crooks, coached by an old boy, and we have a brutal pack who don’t like collars.”

The Sharks
For a team with the sauciest cheerleaders in the competition, the Sharks’ jerseys are straight up yawn-worthy. Home: black. Away: white. That’s it.

Well, a tiny Zulu shield that’s invisible on TV. And a subtle rendition of … City Hall?! Ah, that will fire up the du Preez brothers! God, King, Country, and Parking Tickets.

The only good news from the Sharks’ fashionistas is a Superhero jersey, to be used in a few games: the big boys from Durban will have red piping around each of their 12 abdominal muscle packs.

Maybe they should just pretend to be Vincent Koch or Jean Deysel and play topless: that’s the motif of the city, anyway.

“We are sober. We play in the right areas. We believe in black-and-white rugby. But Curwin Bosch is a superhero.”

The Bulls
For some reason, the bully boys from the hard lands of the High Veld love to dress metro.

The Bulls will sport the lightest sky-blue in history, with fade piping and soft white bands like pillows in the nicest hotel bed. Pacifist jerseys for an increasingly pacifist pack.

The numbers 201818 are sprayed gently across the chest of the jersey. No, this is not the password to Handre Pollard’s medicine cabinet. The Bulls are 80 years old in 2018.

So, a club crest is back, on this incredibly amicable, amiable rugby jersey.

“We want to transform. We are transformed. We are trans-everything.”

The Lions
The Lions are Super Rugby’s ‘almost’ team.

They almost won, twice in a row. They almost kept their coach. They almost have hoops.

Why ‘almost?’ Hoops are hoops, no?

Well, when you add little tiny fancy edge to each hoop, like fin-de-siecle ceilings in Paris, you are unhooping your hoops.

Good: it’s clearly red and white, and the away strip is an exact palette swap.

Bad: the skyline of Joburg is still on the jersey, strangely cheapening the look (but at least it’s on the back, now).

“We are almost there. Almost.”

The Hurricanes
“Windy winds wind Wellington winters wildly.”

The capital city’s rugby team is even more yellow than ever, and wind is still the motif, but this year, the raw destructive power of a supercell storm is softened into a diagonal tonal wind pattern, which should look sloppy when the Canes sweat. I think. I haven’t seen a sweaty version, yet.

The away strip is washed out 1980s anthem rock band black, with electric yellow wind abstractions.

“We don’t really care about jerseys. Let’s just score a helluva lot of points, miss a tonne of kicks, and dress like Chris Boyd.”

The Crusaders
This team likes to remind you of blood.

So, the home jersey is bloody, even bloodier than last year. A sword stabs the stomach of the home jersey, in an optical illusion.

The away jersey is mostly white; presumably the colour of funeral shrouds for the victims of their home stabbings.

A stripey silver pattern (in place of the swords) should work well with sweat.

They will train in hot pink.

“We are not the nicest guys, but we will give you a proper burial.”

(AP Photo/Mark Baker)

The Highlanders
“At home, we are great. Away, we are rubbish.”

The Celtic band and tartan of the 2018 home jersey of the Highlanders might be the best in the competition. Quite simply, it’s beautiful.

It’s a real rugby classic.

But the neon green of the away jersey is straight up highway maintenance.

What were they thinking?

The Sunwolves
“We are the mystical sunlight of nature’s loving moons; we scrum as if in a waterfall, and our garryowens are so high, our jerseys look like heroin on fire.”

I have no idea what is going on with this design, but … I … absolutely … adore … it.

I think these gumbo-like jerseys will make the lame walk, and the blind see.

Also, it’s possible that opposing teams will contract a contagion of vertigo.