Once a compelling and anticipated cinematic masterpiece, the Ashes is currently a predictable 83-minute comedy.
Like the contemporary works of Adam Sandler, each ‘new’ incarnation of the product now pitches the same faces against familiar backdrops, always producing predictable outcomes and clownish behaviour.
New releases are made biennially with modest tweaks to script, with the characters re-engineered and tropes updated for modern times.
But ultimately, the box office suffers, with the only windfall coming in the number of dead rubbers.
As you can see, the similarities between Sandler and the Ashes are jarring. The only real difference is cricket’s greater chance of an Oscar, and that Steve Buscemi probably would’ve bowled in Sydney.
Seeing cricket’s most storied contest reduced to such a comparison wouldn’t have been so concerning once upon a time, but unfortunately we’re all not 15 and stoned anymore.
Face it, the Ashes are in a tired state of routine. Here is the synopsis.
Underprepared visitors implode on the road, something dumb happens off the field, home fans offend someone, comparisons are made to Bradman/Botham, the fizz is taken out of the contest at the earliest possible junction, all the while George Bailey performs pleasant deeds.
Then, the Urn switches ownership until the next custody ‘battle’.
It must be acknowledged that this time around, Australia slightly dragged the chain. They had to wait until day five of the third match to complete the job, but at least it was wrapped up in time for Christmas last year.
(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
Thanks to painstaking pitches and the reduced attention spans caused by smartphones, most will recall the series as Steve Smith murdering throwdowns for six weeks to the soundtrack of the BCF jingle.
But outside of this, the series is only distinguished from the others by the fart jokes.
James Anderson’s slapstick columns, Bob Hawke choking on a brewsky, spot fixing stings, a pre-match focussed on Christchurch, and a nagging reminder to enjoy a drink at The Avenue Hotel sometime.
But other than that, it was just another re-flogged Grown Ups.
So how do we ensure the Ashes remain exciting and uncertain, and not permanently reduced to an unforgettable straight-to-DVD film?
Better pitches, a higher standard of warm-up games, or perhaps even just a warm-up game? Do we ban Dukes, ban Kookaburras, or just ban balls?
Or is the modern player’s inability to adjust destined to see the series plummet to the lowest ebb of desperately reinventing itself in arthouse roles?
Nevertheless, I will continue to religiously watch the Ashes in the grave hope of the next magical 2005, much like I do with every Sandler film released. This is despite the tone of this article implying I am an elitist cinema enthusiast who only consumes his ‘fil-lums’ at The Dendy.
Until then, bring on 2019’s version of The Handover.
DavSA
Guest
Ha Ha Bakkies ,so you dont just put me in my place with facts . ...But jokes it is a very relevant observation.
DavSA
Guest
It is going to be a cricket war Peter . Bring it on.
DavSA
Guest
I am a little confused about the "Test cricket is in trouble myth" . During the Ashes all grounds close to or at capacity . Any test match in India always sold out . The recent game at Newlands in Capetown fully sold out as are all the other games to come as will the upcoming series against the Aussies be. Any test match should they resume in Pakistan will have no tickets left . Matches in England always fully subscribed to. What I would do however is flush pink ball cricket down the toilet where it belongs as we have been sold a ton of trash that it is needed.
peter chrisp
Guest
I noticed that too some of the biggest crowds in ages, now it will be interesting to see how The Aussies will perform in South Africa i think it's a 4 test series?
peter chrisp
Guest
I'd say all of them
Darren
Guest
Actually this was the highest attendant series ever.
DaveJ
Guest
Bring back 2005? What, with our best bowler injured, and England winning thanks to South Africans? No thanks.
Todd Shan
Guest
what i think is interesting in the development of this narrative is that the initial response to last year's nadir was to pick kids unencumbered with fear, and kep going hard - as evidenced by the intense approach to winning against Pakistan at the MCG from an unwinnable position; then the Warner ton before lunch at the SCG plus the light and easy 8-an-over second innings frolic. so the change wasn't immediate. roll forward to India. We won a test because they collapsed. twice. we lost a second on a low turner, when 150 was always going to be too much. we then hung on because we batted long, twice (their 600 almost did to us what we did to Pakistan at the G.) and then collapsed to chuck away a good position, and the series. note that the middle order from that match is almost gone - Handscomb and Maxwell and Wade. note that SE Marsh, despite being dropped for Bangladesh, after scoring 4 and 1 in the match in question - he is in the team. note that Maxwell top scored in that match in question - 45, more than Smith, Warner and Marsh combined. --- now, there is no doubt what happened this summer was deliberate, and effective. questions remain: 1. is it an approach that will work every time? 2. was it really necessary, to that extent, when it was clear England were b-grade? 3. does it entertain? My answer to 3 is no - it was boring as batshit. I am all for an attritional approach when required. Kim Hughes eschewing the shots to hold Qadir out at Adelaide in 1983-4, when everyone said he coudln't. De Villiers the great craftsman doing same at same venue. Or batting to survive when the pitch is squirting or shooting or fizzing or cracking. That's incredibly watchable. Deliberate slow batting to weaken bowlers who are already weak, match after match - not so much. Especially in the dead rubbers. It's an interesting counterpoint to the T20 slogfest. Which, if you watch closely, is becoming less so, as bowlers hone their craft. It reminds more of the late 80s, when our mediocre team started to craft some results under the Border-Simmo axis of uneasiness. It was pretty turgid. Partly induced by the need to survive the Windies' onslaught. But became systemic. This explains the joy of Warne's arrival - something unexpected, unpredictable. As with the explosion of pace under Lillee and Thommo, after too long of Mackenzies and Hawkes trying to breakthrough Boycotts and Barringtons and Baileys (earlier). There will be those that say that "this is real test cricket". I cry "real bullshit". There is not one style, never has been. The key is to adapt a general approach to the specific circumstances. If there are opportunities to score more freely, bowl part-timers etc, then take them. Play to win, but to win attractively. Remember Benaud and Bradman during the Tied Test? Can you imagine Keith Miler building Fort Knox behind those lollipops like Mitch Marsh did in Melbourne? Hopefully Smith and whoever is in his insiders team will grow in confidence and be able to play some cricket commensurate with their elevated skills. To run with Ian Chappell's mantra of always trying to force the game. To counter-attack. We will need to do that to have any chance against a quality attack. The India South Africa test, though less deliberate, was very watchable because of the frenetic drama. Perhaps the long term health of test cricket requires a more positive approach.
Bakkies
Guest
Not sure why Australian fans wanted a contested when England hold the Ashes and the team hasn't won in England since 2001. It's up there with the grass on the wicket comments regarding the Pakistan series. In my life time England have won two series in Australia the rest they have been thumped in. They acting like it is a new phenomenon.
Bakkies
Guest
Most of the squad will be there as the World Cup is on in England. Bancroft and Mitch Marsh have already County deals for 2018.
Rob GC
Guest
Spoken like a true shallow 20/20 fan looking for a quick fix. Frankly the players, fans, groundsman and officials involved in the Ashes Test series deserve better than the sarcasm portrayed in this article. We thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of the long form of the game over summer and can't wait for the next Test Series to commence.
Linphoma
Guest
Steve Smith batting, it's BCF'ing fun. I'm still giggling to the jingle.
beepee
Guest
Yes, Stu, I thought the pitches were a real disappointment, and probably have been for a while now, in Australia. The other issue, alluded to above, is that a cricket tour is nothing like the tours of past eras, where the touring side had ample prep games, and then in between tests, they played all the state sides and a few other games beside. A modern tour simply crams in the 5 tests as quickly as possible, making sure to include boxing day in Melbourne, and New Year in Sydney. The touring team are just getting used to foreign conditions, and they're off home. Shame really...the longer tours had some real atmosphere about them.
bobbo7
Guest
The pitches made for a pretty boring series. Australia's far superior bowling attack in these conditions pretty much ensured Australia would grind out the win. I was following the SA / India test the other night - something like 18 wickets in 64 overs - now as a batsman that is a Test.
Benjamin Conkey
Editor
Haha brilliant.
AndyFNQ
Guest
Disco Stu agree completely particularly about the pitches. Drop in pitches are the devil's work and will ruin test cricket in Australia if CA can't grow a pair sooner or later and stand up to the AFL. The SCG and Gabba get along fine without drop in's time for the other stadiums to follow suit.
AndyFNQ
Guest
Couch Cricket agree completely, good series only marred by drop in pitches (yuk) and England's lack of talent - but that is something cyclical that every side has to go through every now and again, they will improve eventually. Still a far superior game than T20 and I can't wait for the next one!
Spooky
Guest
Classic Dan, love it.
Nick
Roar Guru
How about "White line fever"?
Benjamin Conkey
Editor
Dane, I was a bit disappointed there wasn't a sixth Test as it would have been interesting to see what memorabilia could be spruiked from Sydney. Mason Crane would have been the obvious choice. A beautifully framed lithograph of his no ball wicket or perhaps a collection of photographs of every dead ball he took part in? UNPLAYABLE seems like a nice title for such a collector's piece.