Urgent product recall issued for the Canberra Raiders

A product recall has been issued for the Canberra Raiders, after it was discovered to bear a number of defects – most notably poor battery life.

Authorities issued the recall after being inundated with complaints about the product’s poor performance, rapid expiration, and Jack Wighton.

Consumers have recorded regular incidents of the Raiders functioning as designed, producing unfairly encouraging levels of output, before abruptly switching off early.

This sees the product’s components begin to operate autonomously – or not at all – before sparks violently spray from its arse as it begins blaming someone else.

Canberra’s reliability has been closely supervised by authorities since a string of close losses last year, especially since being endorsed by coach Ricky Stuart as “the best 78-minute team in rugby league.”

Assurances were sought these issues had been rectified, with designers promising all system bugs had been addressed including fitness conditioning and Dave Taylor.

But following another predictable meltdown on Saturday, authorities were forced to act after the product made the New Zealand Warriors appear calm under pressure.

They feared if Canberra was allowed to continue in circulation, the product could eventually regress to blowing leads 20 minutes after fulltime.

Consumers are instructed to cease consuming the Raiders until further notice, as the coaching of Stuart may have spoiled and could pose a health risk.

AAP Image/Dean Lewins

Raiders supporters are warned exposure to the product could cause significant side effects like comfort eating and premature evacuation.

Please also be cautious of bogus explanations claiming the early knock-offs are a green-conscious act in energy-efficiency, as the Paris Agreement does not recognise sloppy middle forwards as an environmentally-friendly initiative.

Please also be aware there is no truth in the explanation Stuart could not correct the issue because he was too busy “waiting for Todd Greenberg’s phone call”.

Following its recall, the Canberra Raiders will be sent back to design stage, where engineers will attempt to refurbish the product by playing Nick Cotric in every position on the park.

However, it is feared the product could simply return as the ‘before’ shot in an advert for men’s nasal spray.

Consumers can apply for a partial refund on the product, which has been promised but will probably never be delivered.