The NRL has announced an initiative which will see a purpose-built rehabilitation academy established for off-field offenders, with the completion date set down for the 2019 pre-season.
The state-of-the-art campus will be home to numerous features including education workshops, gyms and playing facilities, with a village that can accommodate up to 950 players at any one time.
The NRL plans to fund part of the project using funds from Mitchell Pearce’s Australia Day fine, with confidence high it will provide the game with a much-needed change of current punitive protocol.
From now on those called before the Integrity Unit will no longer be subject to an inconsistent set of punishments determined by factors like reputation and what Wayne Bennett thinks, and will instead be hidden in a quasi-penitentiary until it all blows over.
With rugby league akin to bad behaviour in modern times, the rehabilitation centre is a sign competition bosses have finally relented and taken ownership of the code’s issue of the debaucherous conduct of young Gen Y males.
By sequestering the problem inside a highly secure yet luxurious facility, they say it demonstrates the game is taking responsibility for its troublemakers.
They believe there is no better way to cement the game’s willingness to grant everyone a seventh chance than with another knee-jerk revenue-vacuuming initiative.
Named the Julian O’Neill Centre of Excrement, the facility aims to empower footballers to learn new skills and advance their personal development.
‘Inmates’ will be trained in highly-intricate life skills such as toilet etiquette, animal rights and knowing when to simply not do anything.
At the completion of their sentences, graduates will be eligible for selection in the National Remand League All Star XIII, with selectees to be presented with the coveted Guantanamo Orange jersey in a ceremony at Long Bay.
While yet to be confirmed, it is rumoured the team could also play off against the NRL All Stars for the game’s ultimate prize – parole.
CEO Todd Greenberg spoke at the unveiling, labeling it a “proud day for the game” despite vowing to “never set foot inside the joint.”
“This centre combines the best quality facilities with the lowest quality humans” he beamed.
“No expense has been spared.
“It’s mostly made of fibro, the preferred wall material for those with anger issues.
The league supremo will adopt an instrumental role in the end-to-end process, stating he is “excited to be involved from design stage through to completion, and then its subsequent destruction.”
The facility is set to be open by a yet to be named dignitary of debasement, with the NRL believed to already be working through a shortlist of thousands.
UPDATE:
Now that it’s after midday we can reveal that this is indeed an April Fool’s piece.
1st&10
Guest
As a COP, and having to usually ‘deal’ with NRL players, it’s a great idea I remember when there was a high number of cops playing grade. Back then a young player acting the goose in the pub, in a team environment would be dealt with quickly by guys like Craig Young, Pat Jarvis, Bruce Starky, Mitch Newton, Don McKinnon etc etc. Nowadays idiots on the Grog are lead by idiots on the grog.
Crosscoder
Roar Guru
No doubt t(in the interests of balance) in 2019 and onwards, we'll have similar annual April Fool's articles covering the other codes and their offifeld specialists.By no doubt of course, the famous author Anon. No? Off course not, that wouldn't serve the purpose for which it(this article) was intended.
nerval
Guest
Yeah, he does. Rugby league is not listed among his favourite sports. He usually mocks players and fans for being illiterate - his being able to afford the better class of school gives him that right, one must suppose.
Paul
Guest
You not noticed what the date is?
Bakkies
Guest
' in the class of one of Ben Pobje’s desperately cynical put-downs of a sport he loathes.' A Balmain Tigers fan loathes the sport?
Bakkies
Guest
'Why should the RU worry about Mt Druitt if they have Paris, London, Limerick' The NSWRU have to get their players from somewhere.
nerval
Guest
I agree Nambawan, it's almost - not quite - in the class of one of Ben Pobje's desperately cynical put-downs of a sport he loathes. In Ireland, the rape trial case involving some rugby union players - who were cleared - has resulted in thousands protesting in the streets of Dublin and Belfast. Maybe the Roar's favourite sport could do with a similar "plan" to weed out "troublemakers?" https://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/rugby-union/thousands-take-streets-ireland-ibelieveher-12275151
Paul
Roar Guru
that's the drive way leading to the Centre
Bakkies
Guest
There has to be a wing for crooked administrators.
mhoward
Guest
Nate will be jealous !
Malo
Guest
Lodge , serial asault specialist. We need Hannibal Lecter in the nrl
kk
Guest
The Manly appeal with Lyall Gorman at the helm will serve as an audition for Todd Greenberg's job. Lyall has an imposing record of success in both soccer and League. He is just what the doctor ordered.
Beavis
Guest
I assume Randym is from NRL central and deflecting from the article and attempts to hide the fact by alluding to complete laughable untruths about the A-League as if he is a soccer nutter - the funniest thing in years "Aleague is Australia’s favourite sporting competition" though its unfunny if you worry about the sanity of the writer (though his? pointed observations about the AFL and RU suggest he is all together too sane). Why should the RU worry about Mt Druitt if they have Paris, London, Limerick... And a billion Chinese are ripe for the picking...
bearfax
Guest
He's getting desperate. Greenberg knows he's under fire so suddenly these intended initiatives appear. Last week it was addressing country football. Probably next week it will be an 'initiative' involving juniors. Too little too late Greenberg.
randym
Guest
In other news Chinese cities are lining up with their bids to enter the first non Australian team into the AFL Rugby Union development officers have been spotted at schools in the Mt Druit area and Australia's favourite sporting competition, the Hyundai A League is set for another record breaking finals series
Nambawan
Guest
A very very stupid, malicious and pointless article. The Roar should do better than air tripe such as this.
Big Daddy
Guest
It won't work unless there's a TAB.
Dodgy dragons
Guest
Bags not drinking out of the bubblers!!
Glenn
Guest
At the Centre one would hope they have cupboards where players can lock their boots away.
madmax
Guest
They should call it "The Greenberg Mile"..........