Hot takes have joined coal and Chad Townsend’s hair spray as the chief causes of global warming, studies have confirmed.
According to the report, unsafe quantities of overbaked analysis is being emitted in to the atmosphere by former players and fading journalists desperate for cut-through in a crowded news cycle, resulting in diabolical conditions for mankind.
Scientists conducted the research after learning sea levels were dramatically rising on Friday evenings at the same time Steve ‘Blocker’ Roach began spouting radical positional changes.
While greenhouse gases have been long accepted as the chief cause of climate change, the breakthrough verifies the alternative theory of a ‘hyperbolic phenomena’ at play.
A hot take is a provocative theory or forecast that generates uncomfortably high temperatures, usually delivered when dense fronts of heated air, desperation and concussion combine.
While the majority of the earth’s atmosphere is crowded with reasonable opinions, a take will qualify as ‘hot’ once it strays more than fifteen standard deviations from logic.
The rugby league media is renowned for its dangerously high take-to-capita ratio, with some weekly emissions ferocious enough to warm a major Asian metropolis, or in extreme cases, even power South Australia.
The industry has not gone unnoticed by authorities, with some commentary teams recognised as genuine nuclear threats by the United Nations, while the Daily Telegraph has been blamed for killing the Great Barrier Reef.
Some of the fierce infernos produced by the mainstream media in recent times include:
– Drop Shaun Johnson
– Matt Lodge for Origin
– Sonny Bill’s a Rooster again
– Anyone who goes to Denver dies
– Wayne Bennett has lost his halves/aura/dressing room/marbles
– The game is dying/dead/decomposed
– The Warriors three-peat will revive it
– Back to the Future 3 was the best of the trilogy, and
– Etc.
Scientists have warned a continuation of hazardous takes could result in an irreversible dystopia featuring acidic oceans, extinction, and most damning, unending content filler.
An overheated earth could also force 90 per cent of the world’s population to choose between moving to milder climes or going hungry, a catastrophe Mick Ennis still managed to overstate.
However, authorities believe the trend can be mitigated if world leaders agree to reduce greenhouse emissions and Origin bolters, or by just slapping a carbon tax on Matt Johns.
DP Schaefer
Guest
Love your work Dane, always a good read. :) well done again
kk
Guest
Hi TB, MAX got moderated into oblivion and took up an offer from the Kariong Kookaburra (kk) that he could not refuse. I first discovered the Roar many years ago and was attracted to the satirical works of Dane Eldridge who can make words sing. My appreciation has never wavered. When Dane writes the ivories tinkle. He should be in Hollywood or New York. My respect for Roarers knowledge and analysis of the game is boundless. Whilst I'm at it I would like you to know I was born into a fanatical Souths family and it took me about 35/40 years before switching to Canterbury where I remained until 2016. It may please you that at 81, I now support 16 teams and enjoy the game more than ever. There are dozens of Roarers I would love to have beer with.
The Barry
Roar Guru
Hi kk Have you ever been known by another name? You have a certain eloquence of prose and propensity for appreciation that reminds me of someone else. To the max...?
Dexter The Hamster
Guest
I remember the old days when we would only see 1 or 2 games a week, and you could fit all the rugby league TV experts in the back of your car. Now its 24/7 coverage with a 1000 experts. Of course they need to come up with a few hot takes. Anyway, a good read as always. Particularly liked the "anyone who goes to Denver dies...". *chuckle*
Kim
Guest
Mate you write off the media...you are the media. And they explain things simply...take a few notes. You are nearly there but the article is a bit wish washy. Good luck with your future articles.
Spencer Kassimir
Roar Pro
@Dane, that reminds me, I'm this year's Tom Brock recipient and will be giving the lecture that partially covers similar ground in Sydney and Melbourne. Both will most likely be in June and I'd love to have you join if you're interested. Just DM me on Twitter/Instagram @BallsOutPhD
Spencer Kassimir
Roar Pro
@Geo - Agreed with Dane! You at least have the knowledge and cojones to write something to contribute!
Spencer Kassimir
Roar Pro
Guess it was bound to happen in some universe... why not ours? :-p
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Hard to believe religion/free speech/rugby being so hotly debated
Spencer Kassimir
Roar Pro
Glad to be on the same page. Can't say things are as civil where I've commented today on another page... The funny thing is that the logic pattern is nearly identical between both though the topic is different... https://www.theroar.com.au/2018/04/08/folau-broken-12th-commandment/comment-page-6/#comment-6255602
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Geo, you need not take responsibility. We all know who the dope is here
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Spencer, you read my mind. Verbatim
Spencer Kassimir
Roar Pro
Enjoyed the read @Dane and got a laugh @Paul It would be an understatement to say that laws, as written, are not always, if ever, in perfect alignment with the application of such whether in sport or any government/societal construct. Culture and convention tend to overrule what is on the page and what we are seeing is a backlash against what can be viewed as a reinterpretation of an unspoken but understood application of the laws. Not saying it is correct or wrong but it makes sense that some people are angry.
Geo
Guest
Dane, you and Matt Elliot would have a good conversation, but unfortunately the normal rugby league follower wouldn't understand a word you said (maybe it's just me). I take full responsibility for being a dope.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks Paul! I think a trading scheme could be bang-on. If the pollies care about us breathing in peace, they need to work on a #refscrisis-per-tonne deal with the polluters ASAP
Paul
Roar Guru
The fiercest inferno at present has to be " the refs are killing the game because they're applying the rules correctly". Another gem, Dane. Many thanks. PS can the Australian public get a greenhouse gas rebate or credit if we trade in some of the commentators you mentioned? Maybe Elon Musk has a line of silent commentators he could sell us.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
kk, your feedback is a carat of joy itself. Definitely can see subscription fees rising in light of the tax. Tony Abbott’s feet already itching. (Could be because Manly plays today though)
kk
Guest
Hi Dane, We Roarers are a lucky lot. Your make on the take is akin to a gem miner striking a seam of black opal. Every par is a carat of joyous revelation. Laughter will protect us from the warming. One minor concern...Will Fox up the ante to absorb the carbon tax imposed on Matt Johns?