A rugby fan's guide to that soccer tournament in Russia

So you’re a fan of rugby? You like violence. You like brutality. You like a game with a decent chance of a man having his head stapled together at some point.

And so you disdain the upcoming soccer nonsense in Russia, because it is the preeminent tournament for the soft, jelly-like creatures who play soccer, those pale imitations of manhood who would rather deliver an exquisite cross to the near post than ram a forearm into Bernard Foley’s oesophagus.

Ah, how wrong you are. For it has many attractions for the connoisseur of rugby.

Once understood, soccer is, in fact, a marvellous game for those of us predisposed to the more bloodthirsty end of the footballing spectrum. Want to know more? Let’s answer a few frequently asked questions from soccer-curious rugby fans.

What is ‘soccer’?
Soccer is a game invented by rugby players who couldn’t find the right-shaped bladder to inflate.

Finding themselves with a round ball, they began kicking it around on the ground, and found that it was rather fun. They then began kicking each other, and found that even more fun, but also that kicking the ball led to shorter hospital stays.

The game developed into a skilful and intellectually demanding sport, in which tactics and strategy play just as much a part as athleticism and ball skills.

On the face of it, soccer is extremely different to rugby, because the ball is spherical, the players don’t pick it up and run with it, and instead of crashing headlong into packs of four or five opponents at once, players try to avoid physical contact with each other and often faint in panic if any is threatened.

Yet there are actually many similarities between the games.

Soccer’s midfielders are like rugby’s halves – they control the play and organise the team’s attack. Confusingly, soccer’s forwards are like rugby’s backs, in that they’re the ones who wait around for the ball to come to them so they can score – this contradiction is due to one big difference between soccer and rugby: in soccer, you can pass the ball forward at any time, whereas in rugby you can only do it when you want to.

The offside rule in soccer is also different from the offside rule in rugby, but the essence of it remains the same: in both, the main purpose of the rule is to allow the crowd to scream “OFFSIDE” throughout the course of a game.

Which relates to perhaps the biggest similarity between the games: as in rugby union and rugby league, in soccer the referee is never correct and responsible for everything that goes wrong.

(Photo by Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images)

What is this tournament?
This festival of soccer is a little bit like the Rugby World Cup, but with a lot more countries, and a little bit like the Rugby League World Cup except that every country is represented by players from the country they are representing.

If you’ve ever watched the Rugby League World Cup, but wished that there were more than three countries with any chance of winning it, or ever watched the Rugby World Cup, but wished that New Zealand wasn’t there, you will get a huge kick out of Russia.

The great beauty of soccer is that it is such an international game, beloved even of nations that were never British colonies, and so scratches that ‘world game’ itch that all rugby fans have.

Put it this way: know how we love to lord it over AFL fans because we have an international game and they don’t? When you get into soccer, you’ll be able to do this even harder.

In Russia, the very best soccer players will gather to show off their sublime skills and hope and pray they do well enough to be allowed back into their home countries.

The Russian players will hope they do well enough to be allowed out.

A lot of rugby fans are probably unfamiliar with the stars of international soccer, so some simple comparisons can help get you up to speed.

Take Luis Suarez, of Uruguay.

This superstar has piled up more trophies than you’ve had hot dinners, assuming you have had fewer than 20 or so hot dinners. With various teams he has won five league trophies, a Champions League title and a Copa America. His knack for taking various clubs to the pinnacle of the soccering world and his reputation for making the big play on the big stage make him the Dan Carter of international soccer.

Like Carter, Suarez is also adept with both feet and has never been inconvenienced by an Australian.

You’ll also want to look out for Toni Kroos, the hard-working midfielder whose ruthless German efficiency might call to mind Richie McCaw’s ruthless German efficiency. Known for his accuracy, vision, and peerless ability to set up his teammates for scoring opportunities, the only thing that really differentiates him from McCaw is that referees continue to apply the rules of the game to Kroos.

Then there’s Neymar, a young excitement machine with all the tricks who sets the game alight whenever he’s near the ball, which is why he gained the nickname “The Brazilian Dan Crowley.”

(AP Photo/Kamil Zihnioglu)

Australia will be led by Mile Jedinak, a tough, tireless worker who specialises in trying to stem the tide of opposition attacks, causing many to remark on his resemblance to Michael Hooper.

So why should a rugby fanatic want to watch this ‘other’ tournament?

Quite simply, because despite the superficial differences, it has everything that a rugby fan values.

It has ferocious tribalism. It has passion. It has the grand theatre of supreme athletes striving every sinew for victory, knowing that most will eventually taste bitter defeat.

It has punching and headbutting – these are usually done to the ball in soccer, but rugby fans with long memories will be grateful to see them done at all. It has furious debate over confusing rules. It has men falling over. It has players celebrating scoring with embarrassingly naked emotion. It has everything.

Right now, many rugby lovers probably don’t care about soccer, but it won’t take much to change that.

One night in front of the TV, basking in the spectacle of the event that has been called “almost as significant as the Super Rugby final” will be enough to convince all that while not as much blood is shed, nor as many noses broken, as we are used to, this still provides all the suspense, skill, endurance and hatred that drew us to our preferred code in the first place.

You won’t want to miss any of the memorable footballing moments in Russia this year. Catch all the action in the best way possible by coming together with your friends and family and watching it on an epic big screen Samsung QLED TV, so explore the big screen range now.

Haven’t seen your friends lately? Send them a personal message from Tim Cahill with TIMVITE and get ready to watch the big games.