Rugby league politics: Are you a left or right winger?

Are you an anti-global neo-ecologist who is pro-gun pro-life anti-legalisation yet moderately-fascist with atheist alt-democratic values, or something more complicated?

As commonly accepted, the sordid political spectrum – that ideological compass that underpins all of society’s beliefs and Twitter – was wholly derived from rugby league when first established in ancient Greece over 1600 years ago.

From the moment an aspiring Mykonian community leader donned a hardhat and promised to ‘stop the floats’ before losing his constituency after impregnating a staffer, politics would be based on The Greatest Game of All.

One look at the parallels proves this true. To some, both buttress everything, while to others, it is only noticeable when the fanatical rednecks from up north start carrying on.

So where do you fit on rugby league’s spectrum?

Are you conservative or ultra-woke? Are you a staunch protectionist, or chained to a bulldozer with your recyclable coffee cup? Are you an RWNJ, SJW or NSWRL?

Please take the test below to irreversibly skew yourself forever with no recourse. At completion, leave your name, electorate and household income in the comments section for forwarding to Mark Zuckerberg and the Republican Party.

When it comes to expansion, you:
a) Believe this is a priority
b) Believe the game should focus on supporting the current clubs
c) Believe the game should fiercely globalise under its obligations as a member of the UN Council, and bring back Newtown
d) Believe we should decouple mergers, relocate the Storm to Mt Druitt and close all borders

What is the pinnacle of the game?
a) Representative football
b) NRL football
c) There is no pinnacle because the landscape is socialist egalitarian, but Leichhardt’s got mad boho vibes
d) The 1997 ARL competition, followed by any match played in the Katter district

What is your opinion on issues at club boardroom level?
a) Board issues are somewhat important
b) Board issues are boring
c) The unethical practices of capitalist fat cats must be exposed, unless it results in luring the Clearys to my club
d) Anything Sydney-based journalists believe important is vital to me

Who is your favourite scrum base combination?
a) Johnathon Thurston and Cooper Cronk
b) Nathan Cleary and James Maloney
c) A good winger is just as important as a ball-player, give them all free tuition
d) Chris Kenny and Paul Murray

What are your thoughts on the Billy Slater award fiasco?
a) It was a mild error
b) It was farcical
c) Why didn’t everyone receive an award?
d) This is another failure of democracy that can only be fixed by John Quayle

What is your position on the salary cap?
a) It is vital
b) Needs tinkering
c) All funds should be centralised and allocated to all those who couldn’t run a chook raffle
d) I’ve always said the game should be run by AMP

What are your views on the women’s game?
a) I embrace it with open arms
b) A welcome addition but men’s football remains my passion
c) The women should play alongside the men because nothing is more important than inclusion, not even safety
d) They should be the curtain-raiser to the men’s game, like grid girls in motor racing

What do you think of the NSW government’s stadium upgrade?
a) Seems unnecessarily costly
b) A much-needed upgrade of facilities
c) I’ve heard construction is taking place with slave labour
d) They should be refurbishing Birchgrove Oval with slave labour

What is your thoughts on the weight-for-age initiative in junior footy?
a) Long overdue
b) Unnecessary kneejerk reaction
c) Agree, provided the kids are home-schooled in a Blue Mountains cult and unvaccinated
d) Send them all to the army

If you answered majority a) or b):
You’re normal.

If you answered majority c):
You are a staunch rugby league greenie. You believe the game should adopt progressive principles based on free movement, government intervention and other similar commie stuff.

You support your team in your conscientiously-sourced hessian poncho and love a few paper mache-infused craft beers when your team wins, provided they did so without harming the ozone layer. On the way home, you listen to the wrap-up on Radio National in your olive-oil powered Prius.

You voted yes for gay marriage, both on a human level and for mergers that undiluted the fading Sydney stronghold. You also crave the break up the big four, that being Phil Gould, Nick Politis, Peter Doust and News Limited, and will happily use your iPhone to condemn their capitalist ways.

If you answered majority d):
You are unapologetically conservative. If anyone challenges your protectionist views, you won’t hesitate to whip the snowflake with a free plastic bag while wearing your 2GB polo shirt.

You believe rugby league’s only way forth is via a free market where the rich prosper and the destitute merge- unless of course they are ARL-aligned, and then it’s time to call in the Packers.

You reckon Paul Kent knows all, anyone south of Wollongong is the enemy and that international rugby league is a gimmick for day-dreaming soy boys who need 10 minutes in a ring with Les Davidson.

You celebrated the big four break-up when Greg Inglis left the Storm, and that all judiciary hearings should be adjudicated by Steve Bannon and a bible.